Motivation Monday: Tailored Trials

Your trials are tailored to you. My trials are tailored to me. Trials can't be compared. 

We will each have moments of desperation in our life where we fall to our knees and beg for change. These moments might be brought on because of infidelity, death, or the recession. They can also be brought on because of a wayward friend or child, a depressed spouse (or self), or a stuffy nose that is seriously just kicking your trash on an already difficult week. Everyone has trials; some trials are more visible than others. But everyone is fighting a battle. 

Why? Because we can't know joy without experiencing sadness. We can't know success without experiencing failure.

Your trials are important. They are big. Please stop comparing bananas to oranges. Both are fruit, but they are not the same. Neither are your trials when compared to others. The principle behind the mountains in our lives is the same, but the experiences itself is not:

I have had cancer. You have not. But you have a spouse who is addicted to pornography and I do not. I have body image issues. You do not. But you struggle with reading and arithmetic and I do not. Who is to say which trial is easier? Who is to say that which troubles are more "valid"? No one.

Your trials are legitimate. Please don't discredit your own personal struggles simply because it appears that so-and-so has it better or worse.

Love, 

Think About It Thursdays: Love = Not just One, But Many, Many Verbs

 Today I had a pregnant “mama” pause while reading a book to my girls. Have you ever had one of those before? For me, it’s the lapse of time between being awake and starting to dream before fully falling asleep. This usually happens to me at least a dozen times throughout the course of my day as I read the same books over and over and over to mini-me and my-girl.  But today, I started to day dream about a few of my favorite memoires with my amazing BBH.

In two weeks we celebrate 9 ½ years of marriage. Yes, the countdown to our 10^th wedding anniversary has begun. It seems like we blinked an eye and we’re 10 years in. As cliché as it may sound, I don’t know where the time has gone. It made me think about where we currently are in our lives and where we want to go in the future. After almost 10 years of marriage, I know two things: First, there are no guarantees that things will go as we plan- in fact we can count on some things NOT going as planned. Second, I’m ok with that. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but in the end, if we’re doing our best, we will find success…it just may look different than what we thought it success might have looked like. Over the course of our marriage I have found four life-savers that have helped us continue to find happiness and to perspective in our marriage.

1) Don’t underestimate your short-term goals. When  BBH and I were first married, we read a marriage book that discussed the importance of talking about certain things, like the number of kids you want, what your likes and dislikes were, and that we should set long term goals. Having a desire to start our marriage off on the right foot, we decided to make these long term goals together. Important long term goals like: “We’ll have “x” amount of kids by the time we’re “x”-aged old”, buying a home, finding a cure for cancer, owning a Mercedes Benz… you know, the usual long-term goals with a few superfluous ones. We were young:  23 and 24 to be exact. The world was our oyster. We were ready for whatever curve ball came our way and were excited to start our lives together, hand-in-hand. Even though we had our plans and long-term goals, life wasn’t panning out the way we thought. Kids didn’t come as fast as we wanted, we lost a couple of loved ones, etc.  As we grew in our marriage, I realized it was our short term goals that kept us going. For example, monthly budgeting goals, being active in our church, daily praying and scripture study, and regular dates were some shorter-term goals that made all the difference as we faced harder challenges in life. Short term goals effects strengthened us and eventually made a few of our long term goals successful.

2)  Be proactive about effective communication.  I think one of the hardest things to do is to effectively communicate with a friends and family. The best thing I’ve learned about communication came from a Communication 101 college class I took 15 years ago: A message is only fully communicated when both parties can effectively listen to one another. When I pause to listen, process, and understand what BBH is saying, I am a better communicator, willing to first understand his perspective, then tactfully share my own feelings in a successful manner. In Victor B. Cline's book, How to Make a Good Marriage Great: Ten Keys to a Joyous Relationship, he says: "Effective communication is more than just ‘talking,’ it is the type of interaction that gets the job done: solves problems, builds self-esteem, enhances the relationships, relays important messages, reinforces mutual respect, and helps bond the couple together as an effective unit.”

3)   Be Positively Positive. Sometimes when life’s problems or disagreements come we can become discouraged. Discouragement can lead to negativity. Negativity in marriage can be poisonous and can cloud perspective and reality. We may start to attack the person instead of the situation. I found that when I think positive about my husband, I’m choosing to remember the best parts of him and not a silly misunderstanding we had over something. When I choose to be positive, I’m also choosing the best part of myself, as well. 

4) Eat. Love. Pray. – Not in that particular order, although it sounds good. Take time for one another. Get a babysitter, go out on a date and grab a bite to eat.  Cook together, or find other hobbies you like to do together. Love is not just one verb; it’s made up of many different verbs, many actions that show how we much care about one another. The small things make all the difference. I can’t count the number of times BBH has come home after working 12 long hours and has happily helped me bathe and dress the girls at night. Or the times he gets up to make dinner without me having to do a thing. He cherishes me by what he does on a daily basis. He loves me through plural verbs. I hope that I can always follow his example of love and service. Lastly, pray aloud with one another and pray for each other privately. We pray for patience, perspective, kindness, love and foresight.

  As Thomas S. Monson said: Choose your love. Love your choice.

Tackle it Tuesday: Budget Birthday

Today my husband celebrated his birthday. The weeks leading to this day have induced stress as I pictured the bills lying on my counter and realized that all the gifts I'd love to give are unobtainable at this point in our life.

At first I gave into the doldrums. Then I spent a few days thinking, I could always use the credit card. Finally I decided to stay positive (which has never come easy for me), stay within our budget, and "make it work" (channeling my inner Tim Gunn, of course).

And I am thrilled to report that Brandon's birthday celebration was the best we have ever had. By not being able to use a large amount of money I had to put more thought into every decision. Would x, y, and z make the day more special or would they just be a waste of money? By truly deliberating on gifts and activities money was saved and the day became far more meaningful than previous celebrations.

So here's what my kiddos and I did:

1. Inexpensive cards- my boys loved taking scrapbook paper and decorating cards for their daddy. My oldest spent over 45 minutes drawing a detailed "storm" and "robots". I am loved tailoring my card to hint at what our celebration was going to entail.

2. Heartfelt gifts- what does your spouse/child/friend truly love? What are their hobbies? For my Love he enjoys acapella music. I scoured the internet for weeks hoping to find tickets to a concert. Finally, I found a FREE concert that is planned for mid-October at his alma-mater. I personally don't love acapella music, so being willing to plan and participate in this type of event meant a lot to my husband.

My boys and I threw a little flour, salt, water, and food coloring in a bowl and made casts of their hand prints for my husband to display on his shelf at work. Brandon is not that sentimental--I always love "hand made" more than he does--but he truly loved the boys' gift to him.

Lastly, we mixed up our breakfast with "I {heart} U" shaped pancakes and surprised Daddy in bed. My kids loved making these!

3. Keep it simple- I cringe every time I see over the top birthday parties. My kids never remember the decorations or games. My husband most certainly doesn't care if his drink is served in a mason jar, a long-stemmed glass, or a plastic cup. The celebration should be about having fun, laughing, and enjoying one another's company.

Today, Brandon and I did just that. I had a friend watch my children at her home. Once they were gone I cleaned the house and called my husband saying, "Place an order at your favorite restaurant and pick it up on your way home." (side note- always scourer the internet for coupons. We scored a free appetizer by doing this!) I then set up a picnic in the family room--complete with random candles I could find from around the house and enjoyed an at-home date with my hubby. We spent three hours together, and it was wonderful. The activities were fun (we played a little Truth or Dare and then watched my new Netflix addiction: New Girl). Once we picked up my boys we sang happy birthday and ate dessert.

Simple, inexpensive, and heartfelt. Best birthday ever. Happy Birthday, Brandon!

Face your Fear Friday: The One for the Job

I was cold despite the humidity.  The air-conditioning was working over-time that June as I sat in an old school building that smelled strongly like I imagine the majority of buildings built in the 70's must smell like.  There was a woman at the desk typing away like a frantic bird pecking at a log.  She'd pause now and then to file some papers away- and the sound of the analog clock would mark her absence with a click click click.  

I tried to catch her eye and smile hopefully in a way that I hope seemed friendly but I'm pretty sure looked more uncomfortable than anything.  Someone had told me once that it was important to try and make friends with everyone- especially the ladies in the office.  They could make you or break you.  This time it didn't really matter though because the woman hadn't glanced my direction since she took my name and asked me to take a seat.

I was 22 and had given birth to my first son only weeks before.  My skirt and blouse felt oddly foreign on my new body.  I crossed and uncrossed my legs a few times before settling on crossing my ankles under the chair beneath me and straightening my skirt.  I was trying to look professional but feeling like a child as I waited for my name to be called.

I had arrived early- but surely hours had passed since I'd walked through the door with the peeling paint and last year's yearbook flyers.  Adhering to another piece of advice- always wear a watch to an interview (as it makes you appear punctual and responsible) I looked at my wrist to learn that time was not passing in the outside world at the same rate it was passing in my anxiety-ridden mind. 

A creak of a door opening around the corner behind me set my heart racing.  My internal thump thump thump filled my ears drowning out the tick tick tick of the clock and the tap tap tap of the desk-lady's false nails hitting the keys of her dinosaur of a computer.  I sat up a little straighter and tried to look patient and professional instead of trembling like a kitten at the vet. 

A confident woman's voice was thanking another woman for her time and I stole a glance in their direction.  My heart sank as I took  in my competition.  She was tall, middle aged, confident and well-dressed.  Her smile was infectious and as they exchanged final pleasantries- they seemed more like old friends than new acquaintances.  The woman left and my name was called. I sat up a little taller instead of caving into my instincts and crawling away on the floor.

The desk-lady glanced at me expectantly and I somehow managed to stand- forcing out a smile just a second too late as she turned back to her computer screen and gestured toward the office down the hall. I straightened my skirt one last time, secured my purse over my shoulder, and gripped my full-color freshly printed resume in my hands. Here  we go.

..::--.--.--.--::..

[Image Source: Here ]

Interviewing for a job is one of the most universally intimidating moments in our culture.  When I went to my first interview- a summer office job for the county (I was 15), my dad dropped me off unexpectedly (for some reason I thought he was going to sit and wait for me?). My anxiety kicked-in and I wasn't able to get through even the first few minutes of the interview before I broke into sobs. 

Embarrassing.

I got better at interviewing as I got older.  It's one of those things that just takes practice.

There are some rules of thumb for interviews that I've always found helpful.

1.) Relax

Easier said than done right?  I know.  I'm the girl who bawled through her first interview- remember?  But it can be done.  Once you get past the whole "holy heck these people are judging me" and the "I really need this job- I cannot mess this up."  you're good to go. haha No but seriously- just take everything one step at a time.  It's not likely that your interviewer is going to WANT to make you uncomfortable; in fact they might be a little uncomfortable themselves.   Just remember that you're both people trying a potential professional relationship out.  The worst that can happen is you don't get the job and you move on.

2.) Be Yourself

Another one of those things people always say- but isn't really helpful at the time even though in hindsight you realize how much grief you could have saved yourself.  Just remember that being "yourself" shouldn't overshadow the fact that you want them to like you enough to hire you.  You don't have to pull out your soap box on every political issue on the first date.  Instead- aim for the "best" you.  Emphasize your talents and traits that would make you the perfect fit for the job.

3.) Dress for Success

While being "yourself" is important- you have to remember that your interviewer is going to expect you to be putting your best foot forward and showing a little bit of extra effort for your interview.  Think about what kind of job you are trying to get- and then dress just a little bit nicer than you normally would if you got that job.  Choose colors/patterns that are clean and simple but compliment you.  One idea is to find your "season" to find colors that look extra good on you- or even look up what colors are preferable for an interview depending on what impression you're hoping to give.  (And of course remember the hint I got years ago about always wearing a watch.  It couldn't hurt!)

4.) Know you're Stuff

It's important to be prepared before going to an interview.  You should be knowledgable in the field you are applying for.  Do your research and be prepared to answer the kinds of questions you should expect an interviewer to ask for that particular job.  Consider having a "mock" interview with a friend or family member where they ask you questions and you give your responses as if you were actually at the interview.  Having prepared responses will take some of the uncertainty out of the situation and you will be able to think more clearly.

4.) Turn the Tables

Remember you're not on trial.  While it's up to the interviewer to decide whether or not he/she wants to hire you- ultimately the choice of whether or not you're going to work there will belong to you.  Consider bringing a few questions of your own.  Questions like these ones I recently saw on Pinterest:

I didn't end up getting the job I was interviewing for that day.  I may or may not have talked about my new baby too much- or maybe I just didn't have the kind of experience they were looking for in that position.  Either way it all worked out for the best in the end and I landed a job where I've learned a lot and I've been able to be really successful.

Which brings me to my last rule of being on an interview:

5.) Don't get discouraged

Just because you don't land an awesome job after your first interview (or even after several interviews) doesn't mean you're never going to find something.  Just remember that even if it was your one hundred and fiftieth interview- the person who was chosen over you may have had to go to one hundred and fifty-one before they got that job.  Use every opportunity as a learning experience and a chance for growth; and take one day at a time.  Try your best every chance you get- and that's all you can do!

Works for Me Wednesday: Just Roll with It

When I was younger I really liked the band, Oasis. Don't laugh, they were very cool, like the Beetles of the 20th century. Don't act like you've never sung "Champagne Supernova" in the car.
One of my favorite songs of theirs bares the slogan for my life: You gotta roll with it.

Seriously, can you think of any better advice in this world? I submit that you cannot. It's no secret that life is challenging. All sorts of challenging. Roll down a ski slope because you can't stand up challenging. Cling onto the 'chicken strap' so you don't fall out of the raft challenging. Close your eyes and sing a song so you don't break things challenging.

And parenting? Parenting is all of those things rolled into one very special breed of challenging. It doesn't matter how many children you have or what their ages are or what their personalities are. It's hard work. Period.

Imagine standing in one of those crazy hurricane chambers at the mall. Are you imagining? Good. Now add water sprayers...and stick that chamber in the middle of the loudest, wildest concert that you've ever attended...oh, and are you good and sleep-deprived? Perfect. Now can you please fix meals, change diapers, help with potty breaks, mop up spills, fold laundry, drive to soccer practice, pick up three brand-specific notebooks that apparently no one outside of your third-grade teacher has ever heard of, find a missing shoe, sit through a violin recital, pick a booger from someone else's nose and hold it until you find a tissue to put it in, brush teeth, comb hair...wait, when was the last time you ate? Got it?

Sure. No problem.

Is it any wonder that some of the most common issues faced by women are fatigue, stress and depression?

Social media doesn't necessarily help this (says the woman who links her blog posts to Facebook, doh). We feel the need to keep up with the DIYs, make the perfect meals, be the kind of mother who goes viral...because nothing is worth anything if it's not an internet sensation for an entire twenty four hours.

It can be overwhelming, to say the least...the very least.

But this is where my mantra comes in. Because in motherhood, sometimes, ya gotta roll with it.

We are all different and unique. We have different personalities, strengths, limitations and talents that allow us to create an individual approach to each situation. I am a firm believer in finding what works for you. Now, here is a short list of what works for me. A few things that help me to keep it together from day to day and not lose my ever-loving mind while trying to navigate this crazy life.

1. Watch television. Did you know that watching TV will not make your child ignorant, lazy or a serial killer? It's true. I have spent a significant portion of my kids lives battling morning sickness. And by that I mean that I spent four months straight laying on the couch trying not to die. Do you know what my kids did during that time? They watched TV. And they lived. And they are smart. It's a miracle. Don't feel like a failure if your kids watch television. I promise, they will still read and write.

2. Let it be messy. It is okay if there are toys and dirty clothes on the floor. It is okay if there is toothpaste smeared on the bathroom counter. If you have to throw a pair of shorts in the dryer on high heat for a minute because there are no clean clothes in the dresser...IT IS OKAY. Go to bed without doing the dishes, let the kids put their Legos in the container clearly labeled "dinosaurs". Let the laundry pile up for a day or two. Doing so will not result in any of the following: chemical radiation, a zombie apocalypse, a sink hole, a nuclear freeze, the end of mankind as we know it. That's a promise.

3. Take a walk. Sometimes you need to just walk away and re-group. Enjoy a change of scenery. Breathe. Walk. Repeat.

4. Reach out. Nothing helps me to overcome my stress more than to put my own concerns on the back burner and focus on others. There is always someone who could use a phone call, a visit, a dinner, a letter, a cupcake...or actually a phone call, visit, dinner, letter AND cupcake. Don't skip the cupcake. There is great reaffirmation that comes in realizing that we are always able to bless someone else, no matter what trials we are facing.

5. Go get you a happy meal. Yes, it may sit undigested in your system for like twenty years because it's made of cow leather and pencil erasers. But an occasional fast food meal will not kill you. And if it does, you'll die happy.

Parenting isn't easy. Things will clump up and spin out of control...but sometimes ya just gotta roll with it.

Make it Mondays- DIY nursing Cover.

To make this Nursing cover you will need:

Material measuring at least 20in high and 70in long (This size fits most)

Satin Binding (optional) 

Elastic

 First cut your material to the correct length

 Fold the edges in about 1in and sew with a 1/4 in seam allowance. This creates an opening in your material to insert the elastic in later.

Next, if you are using the satin binding you simply open it up under your material, lining the inside fold up with the edge of your material.

 Then fold over your material and pin in place

 I burn the edges of my satin binding so they don't fray, you don't want strings hanging off of something your baby will be eating in! Also, I swear I didn't mean to be flipping you all off in this photo. Ha ha.

   Because Satin binding is hard to keep perfectly straight I usually use a zig zag stitch, and sew it "cute side up" so that I can keep it even along the edge.

 Because this is what my back usually ends up looking like. It's not nearly as straight and neat.

 My adorable "helper" for this project :)

 Next cut two strips of elastic 22in long and thread it through not just the satin binding, but also the opening you created in your material, which gives it extra strength. I pin a safety pin on the end of my elastic to make threading it through a million times easier.

Once you get the elastic all the way through you can pin them together so you don't lose either end and do the other side. After that you sew the elastic together, and pin the raw edges of material together and sew the whole thing into a big elastic tube of material.

And you have a simple DIY nursing cover! 

To put it on you put one arm through the top, and keep the other arm inside to support your baby. You wear it like a beauty queen sash. :)

These are my favorite covers because in my opinion they give the most coverage, and it actually stays in place. The only issue I have ever had with it is when my little girl was a newborn and still needed help latching, it was a little hard to maneuver around inside of this cover and see what I was doing. But once she got better at latching on herself I wouldn't leave the house without it!

Transformation- {Sneak Peak}

Being a mother is a complicated- beautiful thing.
Wearing your heart outside of your body, and watching it grow with your children.

Being a mother is more than a title, more than a calling. It's a transformation.  One of the most incredible transformations we, as women, can ever make.  You aren't the same person after you've become a mother.  No matter what happens from the point that little life starts growing inside you- you are different.  You are changed.  For the better.

When To Each Their Own began, we were a mom blog.
Six mothers- sharing their lives, their thoughts, and experiences.
Our hearts were full- and we found ourselves overwhelmed with topics we wanted to cover- concepts we wanted to address.  We were doing what mothers do best- wearing our hearts on our sleeves.

As we posted, and new weekly topics were proposed, we began to feel the tone of our blog transforming.
The messages we had were of great meaning and importance to us, as mothers, but they were also meaningful on another level- as women.

Receiving feedback from our readers- we quickly found we weren't just reaching the "mom" demographic we had originally been aiming for.  We were reaching all kinds of readers.

Mothers
Sisters
Daughters
Teachers
Friends
Caregivers
Young Women
Newly Weds
Single Women
Older Women

While we ourselves are all mothers- we are also something else.  Women.  Motherhood is an incredibly critical and intricate part of our identity as women, so that element will certainly not be lost from our posts.
However- we are quickly realizing that being a "mother" does not always mean you have cheerios in your shoes and Hotwheels in your purse.  It means you have integrity. Selflessness. Love.

Being a mother means you put the well-being of someone else before the well-being of yourself.  It means you think carefully about what you say and do effects those around you, and how. (Even if it's only after the fact!)  These things are all innate qualities of women.  Qualities that we are working to grow and develop.

We hope that To Each Their Own can be an inspiration to all women- not just women with children of their own.  We hope our readers will feel uplifted and encouraged after reading our experiences.  We all have our own paths- our own unique point of view.  Even with six authors and occasional guest authors- we can't possibly hope to convey every perspective, but in our posts we can share our shoes and let you wear them if even for just a little while.

The new To Each Their Own will have a mini-relaunch on Monday  September 16th.

We hope that you will join us on our journey through life and Womanhood.

The Blessings of Technology

I'm going to write a short post on how grateful I am for Technology in my life.

In 2007 my husband was deployed and I was working in a nursing home. The Veterans and past army wives there would love to talk to me about the hardships of a deployment. I couldn't help but feel like I had it easy. They told me about 2 year deployments, where letters were the only communication, they took weeks if not months to deliver. You never got phone calls, nobody came to your door if something had happened to your spouse. All you had was a letter, dated a month ago assuring you that they were at least fine then. Now? Who knew.

I got phone calls, emails, photos, and a couple of times we even got to Skype. Technology is amazing. From thousands of miles away my husband got to hear our daughters newborn baby cry the day after she was born. When she was older he called on Skype and got to see her attempt to dance along to music, bobbing her little head. Technology held our family together in a way we couldn't have imagined. He got to experience important parts of our life through a phone call, or a video emailed straight to him.

When our daughter was two he deployed again, this time he had even more access to computers. He got to Skype often and Zoey loved it.

Zoey fed him cheerios via webcam, Daddy pretended to eat them. He even called Christmas morning and watched her open presents.

We made her a slideshow with pictures of Daddy, and took videos of Daddy reading her books that she could watch before bed. She would ask for the "Daddy movies" and give him hugs when his photo appeared on the computer.

Zoey would take a tape recorder to bed with her, he had recorded himself talking to her, telling her stories, telling her he loves and misses her. She would listen to that thing every night. It kept him close, we did so many things through the blessings of technology that our little girl never forgot his voice, it helped her cope with him being gone. And it helped immensely when it came time for him to come home and be part of our day to day life again.

We have been blessed. We aren't into gadgets, I don't know how to do most of the things my phone is capable of, but I do know that I love technology because it helps my sweet girls and their Daddy every time he is away. I am beyond grateful to live in this day and age where it's possible for these things. I know there are downfalls when it comes to technology, but for me the good far outweighs the bad.