Think About It Thursdays: Love = Not just One, But Many, Many Verbs

 Today I had a pregnant “mama” pause while reading a book to my girls. Have you ever had one of those before? For me, it’s the lapse of time between being awake and starting to dream before fully falling asleep. This usually happens to me at least a dozen times throughout the course of my day as I read the same books over and over and over to mini-me and my-girl.  But today, I started to day dream about a few of my favorite memoires with my amazing BBH.

In two weeks we celebrate 9 ½ years of marriage. Yes, the countdown to our 10^th wedding anniversary has begun. It seems like we blinked an eye and we’re 10 years in. As cliché as it may sound, I don’t know where the time has gone. It made me think about where we currently are in our lives and where we want to go in the future. After almost 10 years of marriage, I know two things: First, there are no guarantees that things will go as we plan- in fact we can count on some things NOT going as planned. Second, I’m ok with that. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but in the end, if we’re doing our best, we will find success…it just may look different than what we thought it success might have looked like. Over the course of our marriage I have found four life-savers that have helped us continue to find happiness and to perspective in our marriage.

1) Don’t underestimate your short-term goals. When  BBH and I were first married, we read a marriage book that discussed the importance of talking about certain things, like the number of kids you want, what your likes and dislikes were, and that we should set long term goals. Having a desire to start our marriage off on the right foot, we decided to make these long term goals together. Important long term goals like: “We’ll have “x” amount of kids by the time we’re “x”-aged old”, buying a home, finding a cure for cancer, owning a Mercedes Benz… you know, the usual long-term goals with a few superfluous ones. We were young:  23 and 24 to be exact. The world was our oyster. We were ready for whatever curve ball came our way and were excited to start our lives together, hand-in-hand. Even though we had our plans and long-term goals, life wasn’t panning out the way we thought. Kids didn’t come as fast as we wanted, we lost a couple of loved ones, etc.  As we grew in our marriage, I realized it was our short term goals that kept us going. For example, monthly budgeting goals, being active in our church, daily praying and scripture study, and regular dates were some shorter-term goals that made all the difference as we faced harder challenges in life. Short term goals effects strengthened us and eventually made a few of our long term goals successful.

2)  Be proactive about effective communication.  I think one of the hardest things to do is to effectively communicate with a friends and family. The best thing I’ve learned about communication came from a Communication 101 college class I took 15 years ago: A message is only fully communicated when both parties can effectively listen to one another. When I pause to listen, process, and understand what BBH is saying, I am a better communicator, willing to first understand his perspective, then tactfully share my own feelings in a successful manner. In Victor B. Cline's book, How to Make a Good Marriage Great: Ten Keys to a Joyous Relationship, he says: "Effective communication is more than just ‘talking,’ it is the type of interaction that gets the job done: solves problems, builds self-esteem, enhances the relationships, relays important messages, reinforces mutual respect, and helps bond the couple together as an effective unit.”

3)   Be Positively Positive. Sometimes when life’s problems or disagreements come we can become discouraged. Discouragement can lead to negativity. Negativity in marriage can be poisonous and can cloud perspective and reality. We may start to attack the person instead of the situation. I found that when I think positive about my husband, I’m choosing to remember the best parts of him and not a silly misunderstanding we had over something. When I choose to be positive, I’m also choosing the best part of myself, as well. 

4) Eat. Love. Pray. – Not in that particular order, although it sounds good. Take time for one another. Get a babysitter, go out on a date and grab a bite to eat.  Cook together, or find other hobbies you like to do together. Love is not just one verb; it’s made up of many different verbs, many actions that show how we much care about one another. The small things make all the difference. I can’t count the number of times BBH has come home after working 12 long hours and has happily helped me bathe and dress the girls at night. Or the times he gets up to make dinner without me having to do a thing. He cherishes me by what he does on a daily basis. He loves me through plural verbs. I hope that I can always follow his example of love and service. Lastly, pray aloud with one another and pray for each other privately. We pray for patience, perspective, kindness, love and foresight.

  As Thomas S. Monson said: Choose your love. Love your choice.