A Swimsuit of Sticks and Stones

Think back to the last compliment you received.
Think about a time someone said something that hurt your feelings.
Think about what you tell yourself when you catch your reflection in the car window on a grocery run, stare off in the mirror as you brush your teeth before bed, or see a photo tagged of yourself on facebook.

"Insert that comment here."

And take a moment to really think about what happened inside your brain as you heard it again.

How did it make you feel the first time?  How did it make you feel now?

I think most of us can agree that compliments are by far the best kind of comment someone can make about your physical appearance.  They make you feel good.  Someone noticed something nice about you, and now you notice it too.

"I love your hair when you wear it that way."
Thanks! (Does she really think so? Maybe I'll wear my hair like this again more often.)

"Your outfit looks really cute on you."
Thank you! (Really? I guess this color does suit me!)

"You are so photogenic!"
Thanks so much! (Wow! I feel pretty good right now.)

"You are so skinny, I wish I was that thin."
Thanks!... (...wait- something doesn't feel right.)

"Your eyes are so pretty and big, mine are so small and beady."
Thank you... (This doesn't feel very good at all.)

"Your toes are so cute and dainty, I have man-feet with stubby little toes. They're like sausages."
That's not true!

But not all compliments make you feel very good.  Compliments like the last few are often followed by some sort of self-critical comment from the speaker- and the listener is left feeling more uncomfortable than flattered.  When I receive one of these double-edged compliments, I cringe.

I try to reassure them- but they don’t believe me. ( I had a feeling they wouldn't.  That would be too easy.)  I feel like I need to even the score.  I offer up one of my flaws. They promptly give me another of theirs. 

It’s like a battle.  Who can win for lowest self-esteem.  An ugly-off.   

How many self-criticizing comments do you have in your arsenal?

Who will be the last to share some horrible trait about themselves before the other falls silent?  Even when you win, you don’t win. You’re just both hurt. These conversations are so common as women.  I think that we often think we’re being kind.  We want the other person to see something good about themselves- something that we wish we had.  But we’re also hoping for some sort of reassurance.  We know they are pretty, we just gave them a very specific compliment.  We want to know we’re pretty too.

Oh that word… “pretty”.

Books could- and have- been written on the subject. 

As a middle school teacher, I see young girls and boys struggling to adjust to their changing bodies.  They are suddenly painfully aware of everyone around them- and even more painfully aware of how they compare.  I feel my heartstrings being tugged for the overweight girl who wears a jacket even on the hottest of Florida days.  I feel a tug at my throat for the smaller-than-average boy who wear’s baggy clothes in failed attempt to make himself look bigger.  Girls caked in eyeliner and concealer- Boys bathed in cologne.  It’s an awkward, uncomfortable, and sometimes much-too-long time period for all of us.

I hang motivational posters in my classroom.  I tell them to be kind.  We have school-wide “bully-proofing” workshops on select days to discuss “inner-beauty” and “peer-pressure.”

This is one of the posters I have hanging in my room.  I love it when one of my students asks me what it means and I have a chance to take a minute and discuss it with the class.  [Image Credit: Here]

It’s something.  It’s better than nothing…but we all know.  We know what they’re thinking. 

"Who cares."  "This is dumb."  "They don’t understand."  "It’s not that simple."

I wish it was that simple. I wish I could scream “It’s going to be alright! It doesn't matter what you look like! Don’t listen to those other kids. Middle school is such a short time of your life- don’t let it define the rest of it!”  Why won’t they listen? Why don’t they believe me? Why do they care SO FREAKING MUCH about something so incredibly unimportant? Why can’t they see things the way I see them- as my older, wiser, self?

And then I catch a glimpse of my reflection in one of the lab room windows.

I find myself smoothing my hair, pulling my shirt down, and feeling just a little too “un-pretty” before I realize what I’m doing.  What I’m thinking- how I’m feeling… and how little I’ve really changed since I was that teenage girl-when you look deep down inside. 

The truth is- while “Sticks and stones may hurt my bones…” words can also hurt me.  Sometimes we hang-on just a little too tightly to the things other people say.  Especially if it's someone we care about, love, or admire.  When someone tells you something- a little piece of that, even if it's just a small piece, will stay with you.  Like a seed planted in your brain.  And if you nourish it- if you give it power- it will grow.

[Base Image Credit: Here ]

I make it a point to remind my students (even if only during our lovely “bully-proofing” sessions) the power their words can have.  With the growing presence of cyber-bullying, hurtful words are becoming not only more common, but more casual.  From the safety of their computer screen- people (not just teens) can see, scrutinize, and criticize others with little or no repercussion...or reason.  I tell my students to think back to something someone told them- (good, bad, anything that left an impact on them) and help them identify that they can still remember- often vividly- how it made them feel. 

The power of words is something many people are never taught to properly respect and take responsibility for.  And even when we know the impact our words can have on others- we aren’t always willing to say only kind things.  Especially not to ourselves.

I love the quote by Elanor Roosevelt.

[Image Credit: Here ]

 It’s so incredibly true. 

I remember growing up and telling my mom that my brothers made me so angry.  She would always tell me that  “No one can MAKE you feel anything.”  Now- THAT would “make” me feel even MORE angry. Haha  But she was right.

Words are powerful.  They can have the amazing power to encourage, inspire… or the terrifying power to discourage and hurt.  But ultimately- it’s our choice.  No matter the power someone has in the words they say, you have the power to determine how it will affect you.

That doesn’t mean it’s easy.

As we are working on this topic on To Each Their Own… I’m starting to notice more and more of my own inconsistencies.  My newest baby is just shy of two months old, and I’m not finding myself exactly jumping at the bit to throw on my swimsuit over my postpartum body and go lounge at the pool.  And that’s ok.

We don’t have to love every bit of ourselves all of the time.  That’s impossible.  But when we find ourselves feeling down because of something we heard or saw- we should remind ourselves who has the real power. 

It turns out that the old “sticks and stones” saying isn’t so inaccurate after all.  Words can hurt. Deeply.  But we set the phasers to “kill” or “stun”.  (And yes... that is a star trek reference. I am a nerd- and that's Ok! haha) To an extent, we are able to decide how badly those words can hurt us.  We decide how those magazine articles, Pinterest Pins, friends' facebook posts, and any other number of media words/images will affect us. Our self-image is just that.  Ours. 

[Image Credit: Here]

It can be empowering to discover this.  But on the other hand- it can be strangely disconcerting to realize that while we can control our own self-image, it’s not ultimately in our power to change anyone else’s view of themselves.  We can’t change how someone else feels.  The only thing we can control is ourselves.  That being said- we are not completely powerless. Our words and actions still hold weight. 

As...

Sisters

Wives

Daughters

Teachers

Coworkers

Roommates

Teammates

Friends.

All these people have an impact on us- and to someone, we are one of those people. 

[Image Credit: Here ]

And as mothers, especially, we have a sacred responsibility to help our children build strong foundations of self-worth.  We can do this by the things we say, the things we do, the way we act, the way we dress, and the way we speak about ourselves and others.  We have little eyes watching us.  We are their world; and what kind of world do we want them to grow up in?  

I don't have a daughter- but I know that for my sons, my self-worth can speak just as many volumes.  I want my children to feel happy with themselves.  As they grow, I want them to make friends and surround themselves with people who uplift them.  I want them to be attracted to young women who are confident and kind. Like the quote above- the one frequenting Pinterest and Facebook recently... I want them to "Believe there is good in the world." I want them to "Be the good."