Finally, Eventually

Remember that time I quit my job and started my own “LuLaRoe Boutique” because I was finally pregnant with baby #3, and I was finally going to get to stay home with my little ones, and I was finally figuring out who I was?

Funny word “finally”…there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of finality in this life. 

One year later and it turns out I’m not a lot of the things I thought I was going to be 365 days ago. 

I didn’t get my third baby like I had planned.  Being a direct-sales clothing retailer was not my forever home. And while I am home with my little ones for the time being- I only have a faint idea of who I am. 

I began To Each Their Own (T.E.T.O.), a blog on life and womanhood, in 2013 with five other (amazing) women.  I was very different then too.  Teaching middle school science was a huge part of my life and identity.  I had just given birth to my second boy- and after the summer was over I was juggling the working-mom thing.  I thought it would be a great idea to have a blog where women with different perspectives on life- but eventually life got in the way as life often does and put it on the back-burner for “someday”. 

Recently, as I was closing out my LuLaRoe boutique, my heart ached and I began to feel that familiar feeling- like I was quitting.  I knew it had been the right choice to join LuLaRoe at the time, and I knew it was the right choice to leave now- but it made me sad to think of losing the community that had grown in my group, and all the connections I had made. I wasn’t going to be the “LuLaRoe lady” anymore.  Just like I wasn’t a “teacher” anymore. I wasn’t a lot of things anymore. My life suddenly felt full of finalities, full of endings.

Then for some reason- I had the thought… what if I started blogging again?  I didn’t know what I would say, or who I would find to write with me.  But I had always planned to come back to T.E.T.O. one day, so why not today? I contacted the original authors to see if any of them were in a position where they could commit to writing, and while a few of them agreed to share some guest posts with us- no one was able to join the relaunch full-time.  Undeterred, I started scrolling through my Facebook friend’s list, and I reached out to four women who, to me, represent different kinds of strength and beauty that I knew would be an asset to our community.  I was thrilled to get a “yes” from all of them- and to find a referral for our sixth and final author, who also joined-in enthusiastically. 

A new chapter.

Right now, my life is in a transitional stage. Like new construction beginning after demolition, new growth after a forest fire, a new life with potential, hope, and undetermined possibilities. Old scars are healing and I’m working on figuring out how this “life” thing works again, and who I am for the first time.  

I'm Jessica Vergara. I am a 27 year old white Floridian woman who is married with two boys ages 3 & 5. I have a degree in Elementary Education, and a passion for writing and uplifting others. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and I am currently exploring a career in graphic design with an Etsy Shop called Conversation Design. 

I’m the mom who wears workout clothes in the parent pick-up line instead of pajamas so you think I’m practical and hardworking instead of just tired. Who feels like super-mom when I make chocolate chip pancakes instead of regular pancakes, but feels guilty for not reading bedtime stories the way I “should”, and the way I want to. Who stares at my little ones sleeping & kneels on the floor beside them with tear-filled eyes, and prays to God to protect them.

I’m the wife who after 8 years of marriage is still struggling to figure out how to let down walls and be the woman my husband sees; to be slow to anger and quick to forgive.  Who smacks my husband’s butt in the grocery store and pretends to be a hardcore rapper on long car drives to make him laugh.  Who sometimes holds his one hand in both of mine just to make sure he’s really there.

I’m the friend who worries if I’m doing enough.  Who sometimes over-shares & loves when you over-share back. Who loves going to the movie theater, getting ice-cream, and talking late into the night about anything and everything.  Who whispers sarcastic jokes to you when no one else is listening, but still takes things seriously.  Who easily gets my feelings hurt, and worries after our conversations if I said too much, and has to message you to make sure everything is still ok. 

I’m the daughter who shows up uninvited to her parent’s house, opens the door without knocking, and rearranges all their furniture when they’re out of town.  Who sees her parents as both the people they were and they people they are.  Who sometimes catches glimpses of them in the mirror, and feels both hesitant and proud about that.  Who calls my mom just to talk, and loves seeing my dad working in the garage to build something.  Who worries about them growing older, how they will retire, and whether or not my children know their grandparents enough. 

I’m the oldest sibling- the sister who thinks I have it all together except for when I really, really, don’t.  Who experienced having foster siblings in high school & adopted siblings as an adult, so I’m not sure whether to tell people I’m the oldest of 3 or 7.  Who feels different being the only one with a significant other, married, and with children. Who loves coming home for dinners & game nights- but no longer being on the chore chart.

I am a leader.  I am transparent. I am hopeful.  I am emotional.

I am finally figuring things out..eventually.

I can't wait to see where this journey leads.