My Otherness

Hello there. Now I’m a bit of a newbie when it comes to blogging, so please pardon any of the awkwardness that may follow. I’m Melissa, a 27-year-old Central Florida native and crazy cat lady who spends WAY too much time watching HGTV. I have always struggled a bit to define myself, although as the years go by I am finding it less and less of a necessity. (Call it the wisdom of age.)

Now, if I am being perfectly honest I was a little reluctant to write for T.E.T.O., especially after taking a look at the other contributors. I wasn’t sure I would exactly fit in. I have worked very hard in my life to surround myself with people that fit the labels placed on me. I’m not sure if this was out of a desire to seek comfort or if it was solely out of fear… probably both. Even now, as an adult, I still let my fear and past experiences keep me from living a life that is wholly true to myself. 

One part of my identity that has caused me a great amount shame and fear over the course of my years is my sexual orientation. I am Bisexual. This was something I have always known, even before elementary school, but wasn’t ready to admit to myself until around high school. Even then, I treated it as a novelty because that is how I saw it portrayed in the world around me. My sexual identity seemed other, out of place, and if I tried to embrace it as anything real I worried about a backlash. So I dated boys. This was not to say I didn’t care for them, far from it in fact, but there always seemed to be something missing. 

I remember a weekend trip to Disney World with my Mom, my Nana, and one of my best friends. We stayed at the Grand Floridian and it just happened to be the first weekend in June. Now if you have ever been to Walt Disney World the first weekend of June you may remember the sea of red shirts and rainbows announcing it to be the annual Gay Days meet-up. We had been frequent Disney-goers in my childhood so this was far from our first time at Gay Days, although it had never been anything more than coincidence or just enjoying the festive atmosphere that always seemed to accompany that weekend. Well, anyways, the friend and I after a long day at the parks and with the adults back at the room decided to enjoy a nice evening swim. In an entirely un-serious manner, at one point we kissed. I know I was never anything more than a friend to her, but in that moment something felt so very right. Kissing a beautiful girl in the hotel pool during Gay Days at Disney just felt right. 

One of my first shows with the Rich Weirdoes.

That was when I started to take my still-shaky identity more seriously. It was around college that I began to find my place. Between acting in/directing The Vagina Monologues at Stetson, getting a job at Disney and finding myself amongst queer peers, and eventually getting up the courage to join The Rich Weirdoes (a Rocky Horror shadow cast) I began to meet others who made it okay to be queer. I was no longer other, and that meant the world to me. I remember evenings spent dancing or watching friends perform their drag at Pulse nightclub and the butterflies in my stomach when I went with my first girlfriend to see The Hunger Games on opening night. 

As time goes on and I shift away from the lifestyle that seems to fit so well with what I wanted to be I find myself questioning again, only this time it is not my sexual orientation so much as it is my identification with the community I once belonged to. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I’m not a great dancer. Loud noises and crowded spaces make me incredibly anxious. My desire to participate is overwhelmingly trumped by my desire for comfort, and so once again I feel my otherness taking over. Part of it also comes from fear, although I am more willing to push through the fear than the discomfort because I know fear is something that doesn’t affect only myself. The fear comes from memories of nasty looks while I held my girlfriend’s hand in public, it comes from being run off the road and screamed at to “Go to hell you f***ing f**got!”, it comes from the emptiness in my gut when I think of the events of June 12th and waking up that morning praying that my friends weren’t dead. 

I am not trying to bring these events up to be divisive, but in the hope that someone who has never experienced this particular type of fear can be a little more understanding of why “coming out” is such a big deal for those on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum and why it is a choice every day to simply be yourself. I bring these up because it is difficult for me to embrace that part of my identity when I don’t feel like a part of the community in the way that I used to. I know there is not just one correct way to be queer, but every day is a struggle to remind myself of that very fact and to live truthfully. 

       I have always been a fan of the Bard so I will leave you all with this fitting quotation as I am running late for work and in desperate need to wrap things up.

“This above all: to thine own self be true”  Hamlet, Act-I, Scene-III