Life is a Highway

When I was little, I loved going on trips. Even as a teenager and then a newlywed, I enjoyed throwing a few things in a suitcase and hitting the open road on a totally spur-of-the-moment whim. I liked going new places and meeting new people...

Until I had children. And now? Well, now I am perfectly content to sit at home all day and travel only as far as my two little legs will take me (which is usually about the distance of the couch to the bathroom and back again). I am seriously and sincerely impressed by moms who travel. I don't know how they do it. For. Real.

Here's the thing. I love being a mother. What I do not like is being a raving lunatic. What's the phrase that Tony Stark used in referencing The Hulk? "An enormous green rage monster"? Yes. That's it. That's me when I have to take my kids on trips.

Trips with children involve organization and planning and stamina...all things I lack these days. That's how I really feel. That having been said, I'm getting ready to embark on a 12-hr trip with all of my children plus the dadblasted cat. Oh, did I mention I will be alone (please, for the love of all things holy, do not point out that I won't really be "alone" because I will have all my kids. Just, do not.)? I didn't? Oh yeah, I'll be alone. A-L-O-N-E. There is only ONE positive aspect of taking this trip alone and that is that I can sing "On My Own" and it will be applicable. That's it.

So, in light of my upcoming road trip, I am going to say how incredibly excited I am about driving for twelve hours with six children. I cannot wait to hear them tell me about how they are hungry/tired/thirsty/bored/on fire/sprouting horns/turning into mini-green-rage-monsters. I am so looking forward to hauling six kids into a public bathroom and trying to leave without some sort of communicable disease. I know, I know, you're jealous. You wish you could take rage monsters on a road trip and contract Asiatic Llama Flu. Too bad for you, I get to have all the fun.

In all seriousness, my kids are actually pretty good sports most of the time, especially when you take into consideration that we rarely take road trips so they are not really acclimated to woes of the highway.

I plan to take exactly three things with me aside from the children.

1. Pants--Everyone will wear them and I will take extras should someone's need replacing.
2. Benedryl--Everyone will take some (aside from yours truly).
3. Cherry Coke--I don't drink caffeine, like, ever. No, I mean, not EVER. But since I have a small person who wakes up approximately seventeen times every night, it's either caffeine or crashing the car. I choose the caffeine.

What can I say? I'm a minimalist. Okay, I'm actually just a frightened mother who is scared silly to take her children on the open road with car crashes, flat tires and dirty public toilets lurking around every corner. It makes me want to crawl into a corner and hide, where it's safe and my kids are safe and no one is whining at me about being hungry or thirsty or bored...oh wait...never mind. This trip will be cake.