Momma Mia!

Unfortunately this is nothing like that movie.....at all!

I remember laying in my hospital bed after enduring 22+ hrs of labor that ended in a c-section to deliver my twins and the first thought that came to my mind was “God gave me two at once, because He knew I couldn’t do this again.” That thought plagued my mind for months after having the twins. Could I really not do this again? Is my body incapable of delivering a baby the “normal” way? I ended up with a c-section with the twins because I had what MANY women suffer from and many actually die from during child birth. Failure to Progress. I was prepared for this. During my many doctor appointments the doctor would always say “Your body is perfect for carrying them, but I’m not so sure it’s shaped for delivering.” Guess we can’t have it all, right?

So after the twins were born I was convinced that my dream of a large family just wasn't going to happen until……

The twins were 9 months old and I started having dreams of a little red headed girl who wanted to join our family. Even if we were meant to have more children and my dreams of having a large family really weren’t squashed it was a CRAZY idea to already want another baby. WHAT?!?! I had two babies still! I kept brushing off the thought. The dreams went on for a couple of months before I finally told my husband, Jonathan, about them. He agreed that it was "absolutely crazy" for us to have another baby right now.

One night Jonathan woke to the sound of a newborn baby cry.  He sat up in bed and listened, but it stopped. He told me about it in the morning and I completely laughed at him and told him he was crazy......all the while the thought of another baby in my arms was completely pulling on my heartstrings.......but then I would also tell myself that I was crazy for even thinking it.

The next night, the same thing happened to me. The sound of a newborn baby cry made me sit up straight in my bed. I knew I heard it, but I also knew that there was obviously not a baby in the house to cry like that so I brushed it off and went back to sleep. I told Jonathan about it in the morning and again we just laughed.

For the next few weeks we kept teasing each other about the thought of having another baby around and though it didn't even make sense to us, through prayer, we knew it was the right time. We agreed that if this baby was to join our family, then we would try for a month, and that if it didn't happen then we would put off the notion for a couple of years. Well it obviously happened.......pretty much immediately.

I remember calling my friend as soon as I took the pregnancy test. I was in absolute shock. I didn't know whether to cry and feel overwhelmed, to rejoice, or to praise God. I was so full of mixed emotions that all I could say was, "OH CRAP!” And boy did I say that over and over and over with my friend laughing at me. After calling Jonathan while he was at work and telling him the news I knew that everything was going to be okay. I thought he was going to be kind of upset, but he was so calm about it. He said, "Okay, that’s great, I love you." And the tone of his voice was so reassuring. He couldn't talk at that moment so he kept his response short and sweet so that I would know everything really was going to be OKAY!

On March 20, 2011 my husband had to take me to the emergency room. I was 18 wks pregnant and suffering from horrible contractions. I thought I was going to lose our baby. Test after test revealed that everything was fine and they couldn’t figure out why I was having such terrible contractions. I was given pain medicine and hooked up to a fluid IV and admitted overnight. I woke up the next morning feeling amazing!. Looking back at that experience I knew I was dehydrated, but the doctors wouldn’t listen to me. During that hospital visit we had several ultrasounds and that little stinker decided to show us who SHE was! We found out on March 21, 2011 that we were indeed having a girl and we knew immediately that her name was going to be Mia. I knew without a doubt that it was the right timing for her to join our family. It scared me to know that I would have three under the age of two years, but our family had already been so blessed because we listened to the promptings given to us by the Holy Ghost. I am so grateful that we listened.

We decided to name her Mia, because our daughter Anna would run around the play room yelling, “Mia, Mia, Mia” long before we ever thought about having another baby. When she did that we decided that it would be a cute story if the next child we had was a girl.

Mia’s birth was a scheduled c-section. I was prepared for it, but not. I kept having nightmares that something bad was going to happen. That I’d end up with an emergency hysterectomy or that something would happen and Mia wouldn’t make it. It was awful. I was a nervous wreck the entire morning before heading to the hospital. My husband accompanied me to the hospital and my parents stayed home with the twins. I cried as I hugged and kissed the twins “good bye” hoping and praying it wouldn’t be the last time I saw them.

Getting ready for the big day!

I went in early for blood work, then they took me to the prep room where I changed into my operating room drape, got hooked up to monitors and was given the epidural. I have a love/hate relationship with epidurals. The one with the twins was amazing, didn’t feel a thing! However, I let a resident administer the epidural this time and well….I shouldn’t have. She had to do it twice and even the second time it didn’t work well. Once I laid down the epidural only worked on my right side so they propped up my right side with pillows so it would distribute to the left side too. Well, HELLO I’M HAVING A C-SECTION AND I’LL BE LAYING ON MY BACK YOU IDIOTS! Fast forward to the c-section. I was incredibly nervous. I was transferred to the operating table, the drape was put up so I couldn’t look down. Then my husband was brought into the room where he sat right next to my head. He put his hand on my shoulder and stayed quiet. His face was pale and he looked scared. Once they cut open the incision on my previous c-section scar it all happened so fast. I felt them bear down on my rib cage to push Mia out as the doctor pulled her out. The next thing I knew the doctor said, “Her uterus won’t clamp down” and then an assistant put a pill under my tongue. Then……

The epidural wore off and I felt EVERYTHING! I started gurgling and thought for sure this was it. I was going to die. I yelled out and said “IT HURTS! I CAN FEEL EVERYTHING YOU’RE DOING!”  The next thing I knew I could see a nurse escorting Jonathan and Mia out of the OR. I didn’t even get to see my baby and Jonathan had no idea what was happening.  Everything went black and the next thing I know my bed was being wheeled into the recovery room where I saw my sweet husband holding our beautiful baby girl.

 I asked him to take off her little hat so I could see her hair. She had red hair and she was perfect.

Since my epidural had worn off, the time I spent in the recovery room was extended so they could get my pain under control. I wasn’t given any pain meds because they weren’t sure how much of the epidural was still in my system. I wanted to jump off that bed and sock a nurse in the face every time they pushed on my stomach to check my contractions and bleeding. It hurt so BAD I wanted to scream! The woman in the recovery room next to me was “Ooohing” and “Awwwing” about her baby and I wanted to yell and scream at her to “shut up!”. I cried and cried. Why couldn’t I have a beautiful experience this time around? I felt robbed.

Despite all that I even tried feeding my daughter while in recovery. She latched on perfectly and then the pain got worse and I had to stop. It was awful. I wanted my Mom by my side to hold my hand. My head was spinning and I thought I was going to lose my mind because the pain got so bad. And then……then the morphine pump came. Holy Moses there was sweet relief. Once my pain was under control they took me and our sweet new addition up to our hospital room. I’m so grateful for my sweet husband. I don’t remember anything else from the rest of that night. Our sweet Mia stayed in the room with us and my husband slept next to me in the guest fold out bed. He changed her first diaper and fed her some formula until I was able to try feeding her again myself. He always picks up where I can’t.

The next day I felt good. The morphine pump was taken away and I was given motrin which surprisingly was strong enough to cut the pain and I could get up and walk. Once I was able to walk I felt so much better. Even though I didn’t get the full effect of the epidural, I think not having it for the full 24 hrs actually helped me recover faster because I was able to get up and walk sooner.

The next battle: introducing Mia to Joaquin and Anna. My husband went home to get the twins and my Mom came up to the hospital to be with me for a few hours. When Jonathan finally came in with Joaquin and Anna I wasn’t prepared for what I saw. The twins looked like GIANTS! When I left them at home they were my sweet little toddlers and here they were in front of me as GIANTS! I couldn’t believe how OLD they looked. It made me cry. They grew up all of a sudden and I felt like I missed something.

Their reaction to Mia wasn’t really what I had hoped for. I hoped that both of them would be so excited to see “the baby” as they so affectionately called her when they would pat my belly. Nope. That’s not at all what happened. Joaquin wanted to explore the room. He didn’t want anything to do with me or the baby and it broke my heart. Anna on the other hand wanted to hold the baby. She thought it was a new toy and she just grinned from ear to ear.

It was complete chaos and it wore me out. They only stayed for 30 minutes. It was too much for me and for them. I felt like I had done something horrible and that they would never forgive me for it, especially Joaquin. How was I going to do this?

Even though the twins are 3 ½ yrs old and Mia will be 2 yrs old in August, it is still complete chaos….sometimes its fun, controlled chaos, but most days its just chaos and I still can’t believe I’m actually doing this.

Giving birth is scary, it’s unpredictable, sometimes gross, but it still amazes me what the body can do and can withstand. I fought hard for my baby girl that day. I will never let someone tell me that a c-section is a piece of cake….its obviously not….and neither is a vaginal birth for that matter! I wanted to share this story so that those of you who have or will have to endure a c-section will know that you will fight just as hard for your baby as anyone else will. Your journey of giving birth is just as valid and just as hard and difficult as the next person’s. Write it all down now and share it with your child when they are grown so that they will know that you love them so much that you fought for them….no matter how it happened.