PUSH Down The Aisle

The day had come. I had waited so long. There I was. There they were, all staring at me. They watched my every move and smiled at me warm heartedly, inviting me in. They all celebrated my arrival and decision to take the next step. I continued forward, walking deeper and deeper into an ocean of insecurity, doubt, and temptation.

I considered running out of there as fast as I could. I didn't think I was strong enough to make the right decision. I chose to stay. I continued down the aisle.  My journey had begun. I took a deep breath. Let the shopping commence.

This is what shopping is like for me. At least since I’ve committed to  the high standards of modesty that are strongly encouraged in my church. 

Increased standards of modesty is perhaps one of the hardest commitments I’ve ever made. Especially because I felt perfectly modest prior to becoming a member of the Mormon Church. It isn’t challenging because I like to dress promiscuously, enjoy showing cleavage, or like to put my legs on display. In fact, it’s the complete opposite!  What I sometimes obsess over are the actual clothes, not how much skin I show. Here are some common thoughts I might have when shopping or dressing for the day.

It’s just skin and bones, why should I have to hide it. I am not my skin.

It’s way too hot outside. There’s no way I’m wearing an undershirt.

What harm could I possibly cause by wearing this adorable black lace skirt?

The lace back on this satin, pastel shirt is so beautiful. I don’t want it because it’s revealing or would attract attention. I just want to wear it. It would make me feel pretty! 

All pretty innocent thoughts, right?

Oh, and how about swimsuits? Don’t even get me started! I love two pieces AND one pieces! I love the colors, the patterns, the styles, and the textures! So what in the world keeps me from wearing two pieces? If I love them so much, why don’t I just wear them and enjoy it?

I wish I could round this blog out with how I’ve overcome my personal modesty challenges. I've erased two entire paragraphs because it just didn’t feel real. I still occasionally choose cute lace back shirts and short summer skirts (not mini skirts, but just short-ish). Some of my shirts are a little too low. Some of my shorts are a little too short.

My church challenges its members when it comes to modesty with the following question: “Would I feel comfortable with my appearance if I were in the Lord's presence?” For the majority of what I wear, I could sincerely answer yes. To some of my clothes, not so much.

What I am excited to share with you is that I am always challenging myself to PUSH forward and be better than the person I was yesterday. I always strive to open up my mind. I could carry on thinking that what I wear affects only me. On the other hand, I can expand my mind to the idea that how I clothe my body affects the people around me- sometimes, very negatively.

There aren't many worse feelings (as a married woman) than being the cause of a married man’s (or single) lustful thoughts and desirous thinking.  Can you imagine?

Here’s a scenario: Let’s say I’m wearing my loyal turquoise V-neck t-shirt and some jeans. I feel perfectly comfortable and modest. We have company. We’re lounging on our couch. The AC is down low and I’m so cold! I hug myself and rub my arms to warm them up. In the process I create cleavage! You know the kind I’m talking about (the kind we create in the mirror when no one’s looking). I look up and I catch the eye of my good friend’s husband, who had just spend 2-3 seconds looking at my breast. Yes, I said it- my breasts! I look away and pretend I didn’t notice. Can you feel the awkwardness?

 I feel uneasy. Because of my carelessness, I put him in this awkward situation. Perhaps he will never think of it again. Maybe he’s at a place spiritually and in his marriage that something like this couldn’t possibly faze him. Maybe that night, while lying next to his wife, he wonders what it would be like to date other women again. Maybe he imagines what it would be like to be intimate with someone new.

This is the kind of thinking that makes me PUSH myself to be selflessly modest. Despite where I stand today in my understanding and acceptance of physical modesty, I need to own my actions. How do I affect my husband? How do I affect other men? How do I make other women feel when I’m around their husbands?

It would devastate me to think that someone wouldn’t feel comfortable with me being around their husband because of my choice of clothing, no matter how comfortable and secure I feel.

When I walk down the aisle again, I will be tugged left and right every time. The colors, patterns, and textures will all sing me my own personal lullaby. Each shirt and each dress will present me with their own personal plead: “Choose me, I’m trendy” or “Choose me, I go perfectly with those shoes you bought last week!” Each time, I will be able to tune more and more out. I will be able to put my own understanding of modesty and weakness for fashion aside, and be a little more selflessly modest. I will PUSH forward, striving to be more modest than I was yesterday.