Tainted Summers

Bell rings, students jump, papers are left forgotten. School’s out! Summer has arrived.

I remember those quintessential last days of school easily because that final bell always seared multiple emotions on my heart including relief (that the school part of school was over momentarily) and anxiety (over summer plans).

You see, a lot of my summer memories are tainted.  

Yes, I can recall the late night games of hide-and-go-seek, swimming, mosquito bites, and reading the new Harry Potter books. I remember band camps, friends, and plums (my favorite summer snack). Those memories are not to be sweep under the rug. I had good moments. I had some great friends.

circa 2004???
(that's me on top! My dear brother and BFF on the bottom left)

But, in general, summer time—the memories of my summers—are not all pleasant. Thus, when I was asked to write about “favorite summer memories” I honestly felt like I should take a different approach—my real approach. My actual story.

My parents divorced when I was 3 (or 4?). It was not an amicable split and as the years progressed I often felt torn between two families, two completely different worlds. 

I spent the school year living with my mom, but then suddenly I had to go see my dad for at least 6 weeks each summer. New friends (or I should say “no friends”). New home. New church. New rules. And sometimes even a new country (my dad was military).

It was never easy. It was never easy leaving my mom. It was never easy getting into a routine at my dad’s house just in time to be flown back to West Virginia. For the tween and teenage me, it’s no wonder I often felt depressed and codependent, and why I would spend the weeks leading to summer break unable to eat anything but rice because my stomach problems and my acid reflux were so severe (not exaggerating).

My mind, as a 24 year old, still has to wrap around the ramifications of a shared summer. In many ways, divorce steals a child’s childhood. I didn’t always feel safe. I didn’t always feel loved by certain parties. And I most certainly didn’t enjoy the back and forth visitations and quips between parents, even though I loved my parents completely. 

It was easier during the school year. Most days I was tucked away in quiet West Virginia staying overly busy with school projects and activities. Yes, every other Thanksgiving and Christmas my brother and I packed our bags and headed to my Dad's home. But those were one week visits. Summer time? Much longer. I'm not saying that kids shouldn't visit their "other" parent! I know (now) that it was important for me to visit my father. However, I do believe the transitions and the time frames of visits could have been handled better by everyone involved. 

Being divorced has worked out very well for both of my parents (they both remarried quickly, and I love my step-parents just like I do my mom and dad!), and I now have amazing relationships with each of my parents. Truly, I do. But if my summers taught me anything it’s that I never want a divorce. Do I believe there can be a valid reason for a divorce? Yes (abuse), but I know my gentle giant of a husband would never succumb to that. I’ve learned for myself how raw and heartbreaking divorce can be. It was the summer fun sucker!

Now, don’t get me wrong. I had a pretty good childhood. It could have been extremely worse. And, like I said, I love my parents. But summers? They weren’t always that fun. Yes, I had the camps and sleepovers but as I’ve grown older (and maybe more cynical, ha!) the “fun” memories fade a bit and, more so, I can recall the trials. I don’t view this as a completely negative shift in my thoughts, though. The Lord in His tender mercies has turned—and is turning—these trials into experiences for my growth and well being. Since marrying Brandon I have used the safety of our relationship to open up and work through many emotions that connect back to the trial of my school-age summers. I am learning to give my heart to the Lord, and I’ve learned that if the past has me down He is the only true way to real peace and happiness.