Perspective

I once read that if we knew everyone's story we wouldn't hate anyone. That thought was so interesting to me. I love reading books or seeing movies that explore the "villain" and their perspective- and experiencing my emotions changing with the discovery of a new view-point.

When I first created To Each Their Own four years ago, it was my dream to create a community where we had the opportunity to explore new outlooks and learn how to love one another despite our differences. I wanted to have a place where women could find themselves growing because of our joined experiences and open hearts.

With the re-launch of To Each Their Own, it was very important to me to gather a collection of authors with a wide range of personal values and beliefs.   I don't agree with all of them- and that was how I wanted it to be.  I wanted to present an opportunity that would expand our reader's perspectives, and teach us to love unconditionally through a sisterhood we would build together.  I wanted all of you to see pieces of yourselves in all of us.  To accomplish that, I sought out women who would be brave enough to share their hearts, and pursue sincere transparency in their writings.  I sought women who understood that we don’t have to agree with someone to love them.  This was not easy.  

It is absolutely terrifying in today’s world to put your heart on the virtual platter of the internet, when we live in a world of vultures waiting for a chance to pick you apart. And unfortunately, sometimes when we are feeling vulnerable, we find ourselves becoming the vultures ourselves. Quick to be offended, slow to forgive. I am human, and I am guilty.

Imagine if every time you disagreed with something, instead of following your natural instinct & becoming offended, you softened your heart and genuinely tried to understand why someone else would agree with it?  I think sometimes that idea can be really scary, for a number of reasons, but mainly because it’s incredibly uncomfortable.  Especially when our own lens is very secure, and we’re SURE everyone else would agree with us if only they had our experiences. 

And maybe they would...but growth is personal, and has to happen organically to be sustained.  No one else has our exact experiences- they can’t! We can’t force anyone to conform to our viewpoint, because then it wouldn’t truly be their own.  We can only offer an opportunity.  Everyone has the opportunity to make their own choices- and in this community we honor that.  We have the courage to set our personal pride aside, and respect one another, in the way we would like to be respected; and expect nothing in return.

It is 100% OK to not agree.  You can understand someone’s perspective and still remain strong in your own. Choose to be comfortable with your truth, and to not find yourself feeling threatened by another's good intentions, even when they clash with your own.

T.E.T.O. is not a blog with a political or religious agenda.  There is no hidden slant.  Our authors have their personal opinions, and their independent values- which they are encouraged to openly share with conscious effort to uplift and inspire. They are asked to be transparent, to provide an honest source. 

We welcome open-dialogue!  That is the entire purpose of the conversation lounge! It is a community made of differences- and women who honor and respect those differences. It is where we share our stories, and grow from them. 

There isn’t a single person in this world who has nothing to teach us.

The only guideline is that we remain respectful and uplifting, and have the humility to readjust when we veer from that path.  If you don’t feel your voice is represented, please speak!  We need your story. 

It is such a good feeling when others are praising and agreeing with you, but there is something incredibly satisfying about a discussion where individuals express a difference of opinion civilly and lovingly.  It is a testament that we can transcend into something much more meaningful, and much bigger than ourselves.  It's a sign of growth and maturity that we as women should strive for when lifting each other up.

That is my dream for this blog, and this community.

The Courage behind “Congratulations”

Sometimes even good things hurt.

My husband always reminds me “perception is reality.”  This is something I’ve thought about a lot.  It helps me remember the world doesn’t revolve around me. And it encourages me to not assume I understand how other people feel, or why they do and say the things they do.  But it also helps me find peace in my anxiety, as I over-analyze and try to apply my own experiences to someone else’s.  In the end, our experiences are our own, only our own- even when shared.  They are perceived through our own lens- our own perspective.  And they become our truth. 

I don’t know if you’re aware- but we’re in standing in the middle of a very large, very pregnant, “Baby Wave”. 

A “Baby Wave” is what many people call a period of time when it seems like everyone and their mother, (forgive me…I couldn’t resist) is pregnant and/or having babies.  It’s remarkable really. And it’s beautiful.  This phenomenon (I believe it’s phenomenal anyway) has the potential to create an instant bond between women, as they symptom-swap and exchange battle stories of past pregnancies.  Then one by one, they give birth to their beautiful little ones, and the cycle resets.  Then all is calm, until the next wave.

“Don’t drink the water!” is a joke commonly heard during these wave-times, exchanged between individuals who are not looking to join the preggo-club for a variety of reasons.  It’s a happy time full of wonder, swollen bellies, and hope. 

But there are some women- who aren’t making jokes.  Who quietly smile on the sidelines through the “Oh my gosh! When are you due?!” conversations.  The women who would give anything to drink the water, no matter how bitter the taste.

It’s uncomfortable to acknowledge that there can be pain even in the most beautiful times.  Especially when that pain is selfish, and that pain is our own.

So, in the interest of being transparent, here is my perception/reality: 

(hold on folks- it’s going to be a long, bumpy ride!  Go ahead and take your phone with you if you need to take a potty break. I won’t judge.)

I was naïve, 21 years old, and about to begin completing my three required internships to become an elementary school teacher. (spoiler alert: I never actually ended up teaching elementary school.) My husband and I didn’t have a real “plan”- but we’d been married two years and deeply desired to start a family.  Summer seemed ideal timing for a having a baby within my teaching schedule.  And so our journey began!

“Aunt Flo” was late that very first month- and I took a test. It was negative.  I cried.  A lot.

The next day I came home to flowers brightening our, tiny, dingy (seriously disgusting… but cheap) apartment; and my husband telling me he would love me no matter what.  My period still hadn’t arrived, and he convinced me to take another test. I did so grudgingly- and left it on the bathroom counter to process while I laid on the couch in despair.  (I wish I could say I became less dramatic with age, but it would taste like a lie.)

The next thing I knew- my husband was whooping and hollering for joy as he came bounding out of the bathroom to come shower me in kisses.  It was positive! We were having a baby!  For the next nine months, I felt like I was glowing.  I felt set-apart. I have never known as much joy as I did in then.  There were a lot of tears, but far more smiles, and I walked on clouds.  I was so proud- and so excited.

Pregnant with our first baby!

Four days past our due-date in June, we delivered our oldest- (a boy!) via Cesarean Section at 9lbs 3oz.  I hadn’t progressed, 0cm dilated 0% effaced- without a single “real” contraction.  He was “sunny side up” (meaning his face was out toward the front of my belly instead of back toward my spine) and his head was lodged in my pelvis making progression unattainable. 

I didn’t handle the C-section well.  I was still only first-learning how to cope with the anxiety/depression cocktail that is my mental health, and had an anxiety attack on the operating table.  Technically, the surgery still went flawlessly, but emotionally, it sent me spiraling into a depressive state.  Because of my sensitivities, I struggled with the juxtaposition of pain and numbness that followed, and to hold my baby.  At times everything was dark, and I felt angry.  I was so tired.  I was in so much pain. And I just wanted it to end. 

Eventually I began to heal, and feel like my old self- but I was terrified to experience that feeling again. 

The pain faded, and my desire for a baby outweighed my fears.  When I was 23 (working as a Middle School Science teacher) my husband and I found ourselves planning for another baby!  We were aiming for May to maximize the amount of time I would be able to spend with the baby.  That first month I found myself in familiar circumstances.  My period was late, the test was negative.  I tried not to worry, because this had happened before, but the next day instead of flowers and a dance for joy like my first pregnancy- I broke into a new box of feminine products.  I wasn’t pregnant.

I braced myself for the storm.  There were tears- but I tried to put my circumstances into perspective. I realized it wasn’t realistic to expect a positive pregnancy test right away.  It was amazing that it happened the first time with my oldest, but I needed to practice patience. I knew better than to assume things would always go 100% according to plan. That particular lesson however was short-lived, as the following month found us reading two pink lines and expecting another June baby! 

Pregnant with baby number two!

My second pregnancy was a little more difficult than the first. I felt cautious.  I was happy- but I was also scared.  Over the last two years I had many friends who experienced miscarriages, birth defects, or other complications.  I felt convinced something was going to go wrong.  As the due-date came closer, I began to feel a little more calm, but still anxious about what was going to happen.  I walked and walked and walked, and two days before his official “due date”- I delivered our second little boy, 7lbs 4 oz, with a flawless VBAC delivery.  (Vaginal birth after cesarean.) 

It seemed my fears were unconfirmed, and I allowed myself to cling tightly to this new little life.

Two years later- I was feeling empowered after my positive VBAC experience. I had been feeling strongly about having another baby, and secretly hoping for a “surprise” pregnancy ever since my youngest self-weaned at 8 months.  I was just SO sure we had another little one ready to join our family, and I couldn’t wait to meet them.  So at the comfortable age of 25, my husband and I decided to aim for an April baby.  We joked that was how we would get another summer baby to compliment my teaching schedule. (Since it took 1 month with our first baby, 2 months with our second baby- it would probably take 3 months with our third baby, and we’d get all three of them in June!)

We played it cool, but after the third month irrational worry started to creep in.  I kept my fears to myself, because I knew with my anxiety I wasn’t being logical.  But as time passed- I started to internally panic, and it became harder to keep to myself.  I asked a few close friends and family members to pray for us, but still no baby.  I felt guilty for mourning each month.  I felt I didn't have a real right to complain after having it "easy" with my first two.  After 6 months we decided to take a break.  My niece had be diagnosed with Morquio (MPS IV-A), and my husband was going to have some genetic testing done before we continued trying to conceive.  We couldn't afford IVF, so I was terrified a positive result would mean postponing having another baby indefinitely.  Thankfully- his tests came back clear- so we resumed our baby-trying.  Everything always seemed to work out just right for us. Except, no baby.  I couldn't wrap my head around it.

I went to the doctor who ran some standard blood work, but assured me I was young, and because we had two successful pregnancies before “the plumbing worked”.  I offered an uncomfortable courtesy-laugh at his joke, but I didn’t feel like it was very funny.  He told me I shouldn’t be concerned.  It had been a year since we started “trying” for baby #3, but because we had taken a short break- I didn’t qualify for additional fertility tests, and he was confident I didn’t need them.  In fact, I was told that pursuing unnecessary tests could actually hurt my chances of conceiving so it was best to just keep trying and waiting.  “Next time I see you, you’ll be pregnant!” he told me.  I smiled hesitantly in my paper gown and waited for the room to clear so I could get dressed.

I was 26 by now.

And then I was 27.

I was struggling.

I watched the baby waves ebb and flow.  I told myself to relax.

Everyone told me to relax.

• “You have two beautiful boys, be grateful for them.”
• “It will happen as soon as you stop trying.”
• “You haven’t been trying that long- just be patient.”
• “It will happen when you least expect it.”
• “I had real infertility, you’re not infertile.”
• “You’re so young, don’t rush it.”
• “It took us X amount of time to get pregnant, everyone is different.”
• “Two is a good number.”
• “So many people have it much harder, they never have a baby at all.”
• “Are you really trying? If you haven’t done XY&Z for ___ amount of time you’re not infertile, you’re just not trying hard enough.”

Truth blurred with doubt and I was miserable.  I began to spiral.  I hated my job.  I pushed my husband away.  I felt like an awful and unworthy mother, like I was neglecting the blessings I had been given by wishing for something more.  There was nothing physically wrong, so it had to all be in my head- which meant it was all my fault.  I became angry with myself, frustrated at the cycle of worry I had both created & become trapped in.  I tried to remind myself that my children needed me.  I told myself I was being selfish.  I pushed myself to wake-up, get dressed, and do the things I was supposed to do.  I all-but invested in stock for home pregnancy tests, as month after month I peed on those stupid plastic sticks.  I'd forgive them quickly though, always convinced I was just testing too early, or that next month would be different.

I went to the baby showers.  I sat on the theoretical shore as a supportive, smiling face, for the passing baby waves- but I quietly hid the feeds of my pregnant Facebook friends.  Especially the ones who “Oh my gosh- we weren’t even trying!” 

It wasn’t their fault.  After all- I’d been there.  Both our previous babies were meticulously planned, but they had come so easily.  It can be surprising (and even scary!) when you get the news.  Surprising, scary, & exciting!  They wanted to share- and that was their right.

But here’s what I realized. 

Here’s where I remember that “perception is reality.”

That same beautiful moment, from a single pregnancy announcement, has been shared, copied, and even tainted.  While the emotion of happiness surrounding that experience is genuine & overwhelming, the ripples through perception are not uniform.  My lens of unfulfilled dreams took my ripple of joy and welcoming for this new life, and laced it with pain.  The news was full of light, but also shadows of bitterness. 

These moments aren’t fair.  But they are real.  They are individual, and they are all valid.

In the beginning of 2016, I decided to quit my teaching job, and work from home as a LuLaRoe consultant.  I wanted something flexible & low-key so I could focus on myself, and my little family.  I joined a gym- and began making time for the things I enjoyed.   I was making peace.  At the time I was preoccupied with the life-changes I was making, and to my surprise- just as everyone suggested of course- I finally got pregnant! A year and a half since our journey’s start to baby #3, but only one month after deciding to take this crazy leap of faith, we were finally expecting! 

My third pregnancy.  My three year old was the photographer- hence the cropped head.

“Expecting” is such an appropriate word for pregnancy.  Hopes and dreams are immediately whirled into action as quickly as those two pink lines appeared on the home pregnancy test.  I had expectations, and these particular expectations had been under construction for a long time.

Unfortunately, the foundation wasn’t quite set.  Our baby girl was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 (also known as Edwards Syndrome) and after 17 long, heart-wrenching weeks of pregnancy filled with tests, fear, and unanswered questions, we lost the heartbeat.  I delivered her tiny unfinished body on my oldest son’s 5^th birthday.

They say when you can talk about something without crying, you’ve healed. 

I’m not quite there yet, but it's happening slowly.  I’d like to write a post someday about everything that miscarriage has taught me, but not today.

That Fall, after a couple of familiar disappointing months, we experienced a “chemical pregnancy”.  The pregnancy test was positive on a Monday, and I began bleeding on Saturday.  I had two  LuLaRoe “pop-up” boutiques that day.  In the morning I prayed it was some kind of harmless spotting.  I pushed through the party, unwilling to believe that I could really be miscarrying again.  But the bleeding didn't stop. I took a pregnancy test on my lunch break, and it was negative, so I knew the pregnancy had not been viable long.  I smiled, and laughed and complimented ladies as they tried on clothes that made them feel beautiful while I was falling apart from the inside out. 

Every loss is significant, but to me, it just felt like one long, painful blur.  This would have been another summer baby.

It’s been almost 3 years since we first started trying for baby number 3.  Many of the ladies I surfed the “baby waves” with during my first two pregnancies have since had another little one.  Many of them had the sweetest most beautiful little girls. It's so strange to feel so happy for someone else while still feeling so sad for yourself.  Sometimes I worry my sadness is blemishing their happiness, but I'd like to think it has the opposite effect.  Seeing those little ones reminds me of hope- and that good things happen.  It stings to watch with empty arms- but my heart still feels full. I scoop up my own little ones and hold them a little tighter.

This week I went to Walmart with my youngest to search for some coordinating clothing for my men-folk because we had family pictures coming up.  I decided to do some light grocery shopping while I was there, and I was in the bread aisle when the modern marvels of technology delivered the news that another one of my friends was pregnant by surprise, one of the friends who had two children the same ages as mine, but also already had a gorgeous little girl since. I kept my composure & continued shopping for about ten minutes before breaking down in front of the Oreos.

The right thing is to say “Congratulations!” when something good happens to someone else. 

But what do you say when your heart aches, and the words feel hollow?  What do you do when their something good is your nothing?

You sob in the middle of Walmart like a crazy person while an old man awkwardly tries to get to the Nilla Wafers behind you.  You take a deep breath and let yourself feel everything for just that moment.  You wipe your tears and realize that there’s an appropriate time and an inappropriate time to share your heart.  You remember the times when good things have happened to you too.  You remember life isn’t fair, and that’s ok.  You choose to make room for happiness right beside the sadness in your heart.  There’s room for both.  You acknowledge that this is their moment, and you will have your own turn in your own way to interpret those ripples and process your own residual experience.  Even if it isn’t when, or how you thought it would or “should” be.

You take courage, and find strength in the face of grief.

You say “Congratulations!”

My sweet boys playing at Grandma's house this weekend. 

Finally, Eventually

Remember that time I quit my job and started my own “LuLaRoe Boutique” because I was finally pregnant with baby #3, and I was finally going to get to stay home with my little ones, and I was finally figuring out who I was?

Funny word “finally”…there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of finality in this life. 

One year later and it turns out I’m not a lot of the things I thought I was going to be 365 days ago. 

I didn’t get my third baby like I had planned.  Being a direct-sales clothing retailer was not my forever home. And while I am home with my little ones for the time being- I only have a faint idea of who I am. 

I began To Each Their Own (T.E.T.O.), a blog on life and womanhood, in 2013 with five other (amazing) women.  I was very different then too.  Teaching middle school science was a huge part of my life and identity.  I had just given birth to my second boy- and after the summer was over I was juggling the working-mom thing.  I thought it would be a great idea to have a blog where women with different perspectives on life- but eventually life got in the way as life often does and put it on the back-burner for “someday”. 

Recently, as I was closing out my LuLaRoe boutique, my heart ached and I began to feel that familiar feeling- like I was quitting.  I knew it had been the right choice to join LuLaRoe at the time, and I knew it was the right choice to leave now- but it made me sad to think of losing the community that had grown in my group, and all the connections I had made. I wasn’t going to be the “LuLaRoe lady” anymore.  Just like I wasn’t a “teacher” anymore. I wasn’t a lot of things anymore. My life suddenly felt full of finalities, full of endings.

Then for some reason- I had the thought… what if I started blogging again?  I didn’t know what I would say, or who I would find to write with me.  But I had always planned to come back to T.E.T.O. one day, so why not today? I contacted the original authors to see if any of them were in a position where they could commit to writing, and while a few of them agreed to share some guest posts with us- no one was able to join the relaunch full-time.  Undeterred, I started scrolling through my Facebook friend’s list, and I reached out to four women who, to me, represent different kinds of strength and beauty that I knew would be an asset to our community.  I was thrilled to get a “yes” from all of them- and to find a referral for our sixth and final author, who also joined-in enthusiastically. 

A new chapter.

Right now, my life is in a transitional stage. Like new construction beginning after demolition, new growth after a forest fire, a new life with potential, hope, and undetermined possibilities. Old scars are healing and I’m working on figuring out how this “life” thing works again, and who I am for the first time.  

I'm Jessica Vergara. I am a 27 year old white Floridian woman who is married with two boys ages 3 & 5. I have a degree in Elementary Education, and a passion for writing and uplifting others. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and I am currently exploring a career in graphic design with an Etsy Shop called Conversation Design. 

I’m the mom who wears workout clothes in the parent pick-up line instead of pajamas so you think I’m practical and hardworking instead of just tired. Who feels like super-mom when I make chocolate chip pancakes instead of regular pancakes, but feels guilty for not reading bedtime stories the way I “should”, and the way I want to. Who stares at my little ones sleeping & kneels on the floor beside them with tear-filled eyes, and prays to God to protect them.

I’m the wife who after 8 years of marriage is still struggling to figure out how to let down walls and be the woman my husband sees; to be slow to anger and quick to forgive.  Who smacks my husband’s butt in the grocery store and pretends to be a hardcore rapper on long car drives to make him laugh.  Who sometimes holds his one hand in both of mine just to make sure he’s really there.

I’m the friend who worries if I’m doing enough.  Who sometimes over-shares & loves when you over-share back. Who loves going to the movie theater, getting ice-cream, and talking late into the night about anything and everything.  Who whispers sarcastic jokes to you when no one else is listening, but still takes things seriously.  Who easily gets my feelings hurt, and worries after our conversations if I said too much, and has to message you to make sure everything is still ok. 

I’m the daughter who shows up uninvited to her parent’s house, opens the door without knocking, and rearranges all their furniture when they’re out of town.  Who sees her parents as both the people they were and they people they are.  Who sometimes catches glimpses of them in the mirror, and feels both hesitant and proud about that.  Who calls my mom just to talk, and loves seeing my dad working in the garage to build something.  Who worries about them growing older, how they will retire, and whether or not my children know their grandparents enough. 

I’m the oldest sibling- the sister who thinks I have it all together except for when I really, really, don’t.  Who experienced having foster siblings in high school & adopted siblings as an adult, so I’m not sure whether to tell people I’m the oldest of 3 or 7.  Who feels different being the only one with a significant other, married, and with children. Who loves coming home for dinners & game nights- but no longer being on the chore chart.

I am a leader.  I am transparent. I am hopeful.  I am emotional.

I am finally figuring things out..eventually.

I can't wait to see where this journey leads.

Mom Confessions- "I will NEVER"

^That picture was taken before I had kids. (See how cool I was?)  Before I had any clue about what my body, mind, emotions, and very soul was about to go through as I made the transition from girl to mother.

With the new year starting, my Facebook and Pinterest feeds have flooded with New Year's Resolutions.  As we stand on the edge of fresh beginnings and new horizons we find ourselves intoxicated with the sense of possibilities and a surge of good intentions.

Right about now you're probably starting to realize that running 30 minutes every morning before work may not be 100% realistic... and you're convincing yourself that your "no more soda EVER" resolution was really more of a guideline than an actual rule.

Coming down off the high of New Year's resolutions is expected.  (Besides- we have all year long to get back "on-track" right?) We've spent the last month reminescing, gorging, and justifying in the anticipation of this "fresh start".  It makes sense that we would set some unrealistic expectations.

But as women- we tend to be pros as setting unrealistic expectations. (...uhhh does the word "PINTEREST" mean anything to anyone?)  I am GUILTY!  For many of us- we spend a good part of our lives anticipating some of the sweetest milestones life has to offer; mainly marriage and motherhood.  If you think about how much we can build ourselves up before making our New Year's resolutions each year- it may give you a better idea how so many of us find ourselves looking up from a pit of unrealistic expectations when we finally reach those momentous events.  And the worst part: We dug ourselves into that pit ourselves.

I was no exception.  Along with the typical list of wants, hopes, dreams, and expectations for my life as a parent- I also had a pretty extensive lists of "I will NEVER"'s.  As an oldest child, teacher, and experienced babysitter- I felt like I had seen my fair share of "non-examples" and I was pretty sure there were some things that, when I became a mother myself, I would NEVER do.

But then I had a baby.

And then I had another one.

And then I realized...

1.) "I will never co-sleep with my baby."

Oh dear. I can already feel the evil glares pointed my way across the internet.
If you Google "co-sleeping dangers" (DON'T) you would be with me on putting this on my list of "NEVER"'s.  However...  you'd be surprised what measures you would take after only a few brief hours of cat-napping on the floor beneath your child's swing before they woke up and realized once again that no one is holding them and this is unacceptable.

I've come to accept that co-sleeping is an incredibly PERSONAL decision.  I've discovered that it can be an amazing aide in making sure my baby and I both get enough sleep to function, and it encourages breast-feeding when I might otherwise be inclined to cozy-up under the blankets while Daddy fixed a bottle.  It eases my mind when I can simply look over and see that my child is well and breathing rather than causing me to dash across the house and check in the crib when my "something is wrong!" mother-instincts kick in.

While co-sleeping is a personal decision, it needs to be an informed one.  There are a lot of things to consider.  For instance- you should NEVER co-sleep if you are drunk or under medication that would not allow you to wake-up easily.  You should refrain from extra-soft bedding such as large fluffy/heavy feather comforters, or multiple coverings/pillows.  (Less is more when co-sleeping)
You should be aware of bed placement and make sure the bed isn't pushed against a wall where the baby could slip down and get stuck.  You also need to consider your personal sleeping style.  If you (or your partner) tend to be a heavy sleeper or thrash around a lot, you may want to consider an option other than co-sleeping.

Co-sleepers are also a great option.  I made sure to research SAFE co-sleeping and for me- it was a surprisingly amazing option.  Albeit something I thought I would never do.

{Image Credit: Here}

2.) "I will never keep my baby in the carseat."

After horror-stories of dented heads and obese children with minimal emotional attachment I vowed I would never be one of "those moms" that kept her baby in the carseat carrier.  I used to look at mothers who toted their children to church in their carseats and think "How can they do that to their baby? He/she is getting so little stimulation! The poor little thing is trapped in its seat! How hard would it be for the mom or dad to just hold their baby instead of leaving them in the seat on the pew beside them?"

Apparently it would be pretty darn hard actually.  We were pretty great about holding rather than "toting" our oldest son.  The carseat generally stayed in the car unless he was sleeping or if it was a quick trip into the grocery story. But with the addition of a second child- my husband and I found ourselves significantly more stretched.  Balancing a toddler AND a baby means both you and your spouse almost constantly have your hands/laps/arms full.  Not to mention those families that have more than two children... single parents... or parents of multiples!  I seriously do not know how they do it.

Something I hadn't considered was the fact that those times when I see those moms and their carseated-babies, is only a TINY fraction of the time those mothers and spending with their babies.  30 minutes in a carseat once a week is really not going to cause emotional trauma to your child.  I had no idea how much time they spend cuddling, crawling, and exploring with their baby at home.

In addition- while my first son was relatively mellow and content to roll around on the floor or cuddle in my arms, my second son is nothing short of a restless explorer.  He is constantly pulling on things, sticking things in his mouth... you know the typical baby stuff.  At home we can baby-proof, shut doors, etc... outside of our house is a different story.  Sometimes I just don't have the energy to chase after my mobile minion and the carseat provides an incredible relief as a safe-alternative to running myself ragged.

So I've pretty much stuck with the new mindset of if he's happy- let him be. This doesn't mean I wait until he's screaming before I take him out, in fact I still think I'm pretty good about keeping him liberated from his carseat... but I'm not as high-and-mighty about it.

And I certainly don't judge other moms so quickly when they have a contained little-one in tow.

{Image Credit: Here}

3.) "I will never give my child something just because he cries for it."

Yeah... this isn't one I'm proud of.

It's really important to me that I don't raise whiny entitled children... but it's also really important that I don't have a nervous breakdown because my eardrums just shattered into a million tiny pieces.

We encourage using our words to explain what we want and how we feel instead of crying (whining) when we want something.   And I give myself a big pat on the back for having a toddler that usually does pretty darn good at it too.  But as anyone who has ever had a toddler knows- sometimes logic is the joke of the day.

Choose your battles mama.

If I'm sick, if I'm tired, or if I'm just having a really lazy day- sometimes I do myself a favor and spare the house from the 30-minute compromise of "You need to tell me what you want so I can help you" and I resort to the guessing game. (Note: this can often back-fire and turn into a HUGE mess so always proceed with caution.)

"Do you want juice?"
NO! (Angry)

"Do you want cheese?"
No! (Frustrated but happy you are recognizing their unhappiness)

"Do you want bread?"
Noooooo.... (Still crying but open to negotiation)

"Do you want toasted bread?"
Yes. (Still sniffling)

"Ok here is some bread- lets toast it"
NOOOO!!!! (freak-out mode activated)

"Do you want this? Do you just want the bread?"
Yes. (Sniffling but relieved.)

"Ok here you go."
Thank you mommy.  (Smile- note crocodile tears still streaming down face.)

Once the bread is gone and he starts whimpering again- you better bet I go straight for the bread bag and hand him another slice.  Sometimes... it's in everyone's best interest.

{Image Credit: Here}

4.) "I will never feed my child unhealthy food."

Cue laughter.

oh dear....  I really have nothing to say in my defense.  Graham crackers will be my undoing.

And those darn cookies.

{Image Credit: Here}

5.) "I will never ignore my child when they are crying."

No decent mother wants her child to cry.  We just don't.  It hurts our hearts. When my baby cries it's like every bone in my body starts screaming for me to DO SOMETHING!  That's why if someone were to have told me 5 years ago that I would occasionally ignore my child when they were crying I would have voted for them to be sent to the looney-bin.

But if I'm being honest... there come some moments in every mother's life where she needs five seconds.  And if you aren't a mother you may not realize how literally I mean that.

FIVE. SECONDS.

Time to yourself- without responsibility- is now a fantasy.  It's like when people say you have a piece of your heart living outside your body.  It's true.  I don't know if I'll ever be 100% worry free EVER again.  Even when my sons are grown with children of their own I'm sure I'll still wake up sometimes in the night and wonder where they are. (Maybe not... but it's seriously hard to imagine right now.)

This post has taken me almost a month to write- and I still won't get a chance to proof-read it because THAT is how precious time is when you've got little ones.

I remember a time after I had my first son when I was feeling particularly overwhelmed.  I felt like he was constantly crying, never sleeping, and always needing me.  I found myself becoming emotionally dramatic- crying, feeling so tired and angry.  That anger was like a red flag.  I certainly wasn't angry at my baby ( I wasn't angry *at* anything really) but I knew I needed to calm down.

A woman who came to bring a dinner (...yes I was having dinners delivered to me and still managed to get super overwhelmed- it happens.) saw how I was feeling and gave me some of the best mother advice I ever received.

Sometimes babies just cry.

This isn't exactly true... we all know that babies cry for a reason.  Either their hungry, tired, cold, uncomfortable, poopy, etc...

But what she continued to explain was that after you've exhausted all the options you can think of- once you've rocked, swaddled, fed, changed, rocked swaddled, burped, checked their toes twice for hairs, and fed, rocked, and swaddled again... sometimes you just need to set them down safe in their crib, shut the door, and take five seconds.

literally five seconds.

Enough time for some deep breaths.  Some visualizing.  A reset.

It's something I never thought I'd do.  It's something I never thought I'd need.


But mamas are human too.

.
.
.
.
And that's ok.
.
.
.
.

How to have a very Merry Christmas:

Christmas is upon us.

Are your palms sweaty? Did your pulse quicken?  Because I know I'm pretty delirious- and it's NOT because Santa's coming to town.

Gone are the days when sugar plums danced in my head.  The days when I made green and red construction paper "countdown chains" and sang all the annoying extra lyrics to Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer at the top of my lungs until my parents went legally deaf.

Now it's all about number crunching- scheduling- and the looming EXPECTATIONS.

I'm not 100% sold that our parent's generation or their parent's generation had quite the same level of holiday pressure many of us are facing today.  Mom-bloggers and new reporters alike are finding themselves more and more drawn to the topic of minimizing the holiday-buzz, going "back to the basics", and the ever-popular "true meaning" of the holiday spirit.

We talk the talk: facebook rants, head-shaking at Christmas store displays in October, and telling our friends that we don't do a lot of presents for Christmas... but how many of us are actually walking the walk?

Before you hang your head in guilt- let me give you a little pat on the back.  You're probably doing the best you can.  It's not easy in the world of Mommy-wars/Pinterest show-offs/and facebook brags.  There's a lot of amazingly awesome spectacular ideas out there.  "New" family traditions (*cough* elf on the shelf *cough*) around every corner.  There's no way you can do it all.  You just...can't.

It becomes really easy really quick to start to absolutely hate "the most wonderful time of the year".

So before you bah-humbug it all and thrown in the as-seen-on-Pinterest-personalized-cross-stitched-holiday-themed- towel...

Here are my TOP TEN WAYS TO *let yourself* ENJOY THE HOLIDAYS.

{img credit: here}

1.) Pick and Choose.

When my husband and I got married (a late November wedding), Christmas was almost immediate.  And naturally, we found ourselves in conversation about our various family traditions and Christmas memories from over the years.  The next big question: what are OUR family traditions going to be?

Whether you're married or not- this is a question everyone is eventually faced with.  What parts of Christmas do I want to make a priority each year?  Whatever you decide needs to be a personal decision, and you should stick with it! (...that's the tough part about traditions- you've got to keep going!) But don't stress over the finality of it all- you can always introduce a *new* Christmas tradition later. ;)

{img credit: here }

2.) Reflect.
Most children look forward to the holidays. (I mean- what ISN'T exciting about a day of goodies, laughter, and overall happiness?)  For some reason- over time that magic may seem to flicker and fade.  I have been witness to the magic of having children- and I have been amazed at the precious re-kindling I have felt as I experience the joy of the holidays through the eyes of a little one.

The feeling is almost intoxicating- and I'm sure many parents can relate when I say I wanted to make Christmas for my sons the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER! But before I found myself neck-deep in toy-debt I took a minute to remember my own favorite Christmas memories.  Making Christmas goodies with my family, pulling out ornaments on our advent calendar, making Christmas crafts... these were the things I remembered.  And those are the things I need to make a priority now.

3.) Ditch the criticism.

I don't know anyone who wants to be considered materialistic.  I also don't know anyone who can't understand why someone may be excited about getting a gift.  (and if they claim so- they are lying.)  While getting *stuff* isn't a healthy main-focus for anyone- I want to take a step back and remind you of this little old book.

[Learn more about Love Languages here.]

Receiving and giving gifts is a legitimate love language people.  Not any more or less valid than the others.  Just like it wouldn't be healthy to focus on purely physical touch or only on words of affirmation- I can understand how only caring about gifts could be cause for concern.  But I think we can also agree that once or twice a year (I love birthdays!) is not completely unreasonable for some people to be excited about receiving gifts!  It feels good to know someone was thinking about you- so stop feeling guilty for counting those presents under the tree.  You get a free-pass.  Just don't shove your 11 presents in the face of cousin Tilda's 4.


4.) Know when to say NO.

Many of us can relate to the concept of a hectic holiday schedule. It's like my calendar throws-up between the months of October and January.  Holiday parties, family get-togethers, catching up with friends... it doesn't take much for some of us to get a little overwhelmed.  The holidays tend to have a sense of nostalgia and sentiment unique from the rest of the year.  And that can remind us of what who is most important.  Unfortunately, that also puts a fire under our butts to hurry and spend as much time as humanly possible with those people.

Something to remind yourself of this Christmas- those people aren't going to be any less important in January...February... or June.  There may be people traveling into town exclusively for the holidays- make them a priority and save visiting with your local friends and family for the rest of the year.  If you don't take the time to relax and enjoy the holidays- you could literally make yourself sick- and then you won't have any choice but to sit at home and relax (miserably) because no one is going to want to hang-out with your snot-nosed face.  (Sorry- that was mean...)

5.)  Remember those who aren't with us- and those they left behind.
It's heartbreaking to think that during this season of joy and wonder- suicide rates are actually on the rise.  I can't think of anything worse in this life than losing a loved-one and seeing everyone around you happy and celebrating with their loved ones can be a lot like rubbing salt in a fresh wound.  Even losses years-decades old can be brought fresh to the surface with the memories embedded deeply in this magical season.

When you're in pain- it can be easy to let that pain overtake you- and any joy and laughter can seem unattainable.  It's important to let yourself feel the peace that can come with Christmas and use that peace to uplift yourself and those around you.

Find ways to keep your loved ones alive in our hearts and memories.  My father in law passed-away just before I met my husband and while I never met him- I can definitely feel his spirit in the way my husband and his family talk about him and celebrate his memory.  My father in law's birthday is December 4th so my husband and I have made it a tradition to put our tree up on that day.  It's something simple- but it's also something special and meaningful that keeps him alive in our hearts and home.

{Img Credit: here }

Also, remember that not all loss is through death.  Individuals who have faced divorce, separation, military deployment, addictions and other struggles can also feel depressed and alone this time of year.  Make it a point to recognize and remember these people.  Invite them to low-key but meaningful events and include them in activities like caroling or cookie drop-offs.  These little things can sometimes mean the world to someone who feels like the world is against them.

6.) Indulge
I can't tell you how many people tell me every year how much weight they expect to gain over the holidays- and how they are dreading the consequences.  To them, I say- stop.  Just stop.  Of course, you shouldn't stuff yourself silly every day for two months.... but two or three big Christmas meals won't make you gain 50 pounds.

Plan ahead and be responsible.  If there are only two of you in your house- you probably don't need a gallon of eggnog in your fridge at all times.  Be reasonable and have things in moderation- but when you have them ENJOY THEM.  Don't spend the entire feast complaining and dreading- let yourself taste every pepperminty chocolate-dipped piece of heaven you can get your hands on... because you deserve it!

Just stop when you're full.

7.) Minimize expenses

There are about a thousand different budgeting ideas on the web- but for some reason, Christmas always seems exempt from reason when it comes to your bank account and your heartstrings suddenly have full control over your wallet.

Look up some Christmas-budgeting ideas via sites like Pinterest and come up with a plan that works for you so those holiday bills don't sneak up on you unexpectedly.  Few things can cause stress like money troubles- don't invite them to your home this Christmas by getting carried-away with gifts, parties, decorations, and dinners.  Keep it simple and classy.  Minimalism is in style! ;)

8.) Slow down and get enough sleep

Hustle and Bustle are synonymous with the holiday season.  I admit my husband and I actually enjoy going to the mall during the Christmas season just to let ourselves get caught up in the rush for a little while.  There's something exciting about it.  Although... we try to have our shopping 100% done by that point so we can just enjoy the atmosphere without actually rushing around ourselves.

It can be fun to get caught-up in the excitement... but not when you don't have any other option and you're pressed for time in finding that "perfect" gift for a steal of a price.  Along with knowing when to say no- you need to make it a point to slow down and take things easy.  Running on high for days on end with minimal sleep is not a recommended means of being your happiest most enjoyable self.  (Can I get an "Amen!" moms?)

Instead- budget your time with a full-nights worth of rest.  There will be a few nights where you may stay up late to look at Christmas lights or visit at a work party- but don't make them a daily habit or you'll wear yourself thin and end up falling asleep in the recliner in the living room while everyone else is gleefully tearing wrapping paper to shreds.


9.) Connect and Pray

For many of us- there really is a truer-deeper meaning to Christmas- and without recognizing it we wouldn't be able to honestly enjoy it in our heart of hearts.  It's important to recognize our spiritual well-being during this beautifully touching time of year.

Christmas is about love, joy, and peace.  You should seek out people and things that accentuate those feelings and avoid those that don't.  There's no need to flaunt your higher-purpose reason for the season- it should be a sacred, personal experience.  However, while you don't want to come off holier-than-thou, you also shouldn't be afraid to share your spiritual experiences with friends and family.  Invite neighbors to service projects, sing Christmas carols at a nursing home, donate an evening of your time or some cans to a homeless shelter or soup kitchen.  Joy in good deeds is a universal experience regardless of religion or spiritual beliefs.

Don't be afraid to offend- and even more importantly... don't be offended.  

{img credit: here}

10.)  Don't expect miracles.

I remember one year being incredibly disappointed in my Christmas presents.  I was a teenager after all- so I'm not sure anything short of a million dollars would have impressed me- but it was still a bummer feeling.

We spend a month working ourselves up for one day each year.  With all the hype- there's bound to be some let-down.  Try to prep yourself beforehand.  Lower your expectations and allow yourself to be surprised and happy with the little things.

Let yourself be amazed and remember the magic.

Have a very Merry Christmas!

The Forgotten Holiday

  This probably isn't the first hand-turkey you've seen.  And it's probably not the most impressive- but when I walk past this roughed-up piece of scrap paper hanging in my kitchen, I can help but feel a little burning in my nose and tears forming in my eyes as my heart swells to three times the size like the Grinch on Christmas day.

When we left church this Sunday I only thought briefly of the piece of scrap paper secured under my arm as I passed-off the baby to my husband and led our 2 and a half year old out to the car.  A puddle caught his eye and he wanted to jump in it.  (...in his church clothes)  I kind of let him briefly as I was having a moment of "Hey- This is a memory!" before I remembered I didn't want to deal with the sopping wet child on the drive home.

So I led him the rest of the way to the car and after he was strapped-in I settled into my own seat and glanced down at the paper now in my lap.  I hadn't noticed the little orange hand before.  Someone had obviously helped him trace it (he can use a fork but I'm pretty sure hand-tracing is well beyond his current dexterity skills) and they had also quickly sketched a little turkey-face on the thumb.

While I'm sure my son was more in awe of the process than the end product, (Orange and green ARE two of his favorite colors right now and those scribbles are definitely his.) it was still a tender moment for me as a mom realizing that he's starting to get to that age of awareness- where holidays are actually a thing.  An exciting period of time where things are special.  He may not remember THIS turkey-hand, but he will remember making them.  And he will probably make plenty of them.  Then one day- when he's a father with his own children... he will probably get that same butterfly-feeling I'm having when he realizes that his children are old enough to grasp the concept of "This is your hand- and now it's a turkey!"

Halloween was fun this year.  He is pretty much OBSESSED with pumpkins right now.  He's recently learned the word "scary" and he loves being a monster/dinosaur/lion etc... in the mirror making the scariest growls and snarls with his hands up like claws.  But once Halloween was over- so was the holiday-high and I found my brain on auto-pilot towards Christmas.

While part of this is the fact that we are making travel plans, budgeting shopping for presents, and being bombarded with Christmas commercials- part of it is the fact that that I feel like Thanksgiving has pretty much become a forgotten holiday.  Sure- we make plans with extended family or friends and we eat turkey...but that's pretty much it.  Almost like a pre-Christmas if you will.

This year my husband and I will be celebrating our 5 year wedding anniversary on Thanksgiving!  We were married on Black Friday in 2008...and we may or may not of had a friend buy our tv set using my husband's smart phone while we were having our first dance. (In our defense it was a good deal and it's still working great!)  We thought the thanksgiving anniversary was pretty cute- because we're "thankful" for each other and all... but the holiday still wasn't making the "special" status in my book that I remember it reaching when I was a child.

And I don't think I'm alone.

[Image Source: Here]

On one hand we mourn the loss of that glorious holiday from our childhoods... and yet we skim right over the month putting up Christmas trees and looking for shopping deals. In reality- no one is really blaming you, Christmas is AWESOME.  It's only human nature to want to get to it as soon as humanly possible.  And you're not alone.  We complain that stores are putting out Christmas stuff earlier and earlier- yet someone has to be buying it or they wouldn't have it out so early. And that someone is us.

I want to say once and for all- that there is nothing wrong with being excited about Christmas.  But we can't have our cake and eat it too.  You can't be upset that there's no Thanksgiving if you're not making an active effort to make a Thanksgiving.  Holidays don't celebrate themselves.

So, as I've been staring at this hand-tukey for the past couple of days, I've come to a personal conclusion.  Thanksgiving is back on.  The stores may not agree with me- some of my facebook friends may not agree with me- and the media may not agree with me- but in our house, we are celebrating!

Here are Eleven ways to celebrate this Tukey-rific time of year:

1.) Draw a Hand-Turkey!

A classic.  Make it simple- make it intricate.  Go big, go small.  Hang them up- hand them out- let those turkey-hands shine!  I am a firm believer that these childhood memory-boosters can turn any cold turkey heart warm and toasty.

2.) Spread out the joy

You may think I'm referring to cranberry sauce or butter- but no- I'm looking at the bigger picture.  Some of the most well-loved holidays (think Halloween, Christmas, etc...) are celebrated ALL MONTH LONG!  Thanksgiving is so often limited to a one or two day event.  (Or less if you count the fact that most of us sleep nearly all day after stuffing ourselves silly.)  Try and get in the spirit now while November is still new.  Some of the best holiday memories are the activities you do in anticipation of the actual event.  

3.) Make Plans

It's really tempting to sit at home doing nothing- especially if you don't have kids at home.  You have the day off work, most people are busy with their families, the air is nice and cool... sounds like perfect napping/lounging conditions.  And while that may be ok for some people- we are celebrating!  Make an effort to find something fun to do.  Even if you don't have family in the area, there are often lots of "orphan thanksgiving" events you can attend.  Consider asking around at work, church, or finding a group through meetup.com.

4.) Dress-up

When I was little my family would always dress-up for Thanksgiving.  I'm not talking khakis and nice sweaters.  I'm talking construction paper pilgrims and indians. And of course- someone always had to dress-up as the turkey. (Sorry dad!)  This doesn't have to be limited to a childrens-only event.  It can be a lot of fun for the laid-back Thanksgiving environment (although khakis and sweaters are fine too).  Try checking out Pinterest for ideas on how to make some DIY costumes.

5.) Watch some holiday specials

Christmas isn't the only time of year with holiday specials!  Try watching some Thanksgiving episodes of your favorite television shows to help set the mood.

6.) Count your blessings

There are about a thousand and one ways you can do this.  One of the easiest/most popular that I've seen is to write a daily facebook status post with something that you are thankful for.  While this can be slightly obnoxious for your more bah-humbug facebook friends- there are bound to be a few who appreciate your positive attitude. (and you're doing this for you!)  When I was a child I remember my mom making a paper turkey and each day in November my brothers and I would add a paper tail-feather to it with something we were thankful for written on it.

7.) Make some holiday-themed treats

Have some pumpkin pie or make some turkey-shaped cookies anytime this month.  The treats don't have to be limited to the day-of. (You can always work out before swimsuit season anyway.)

8.) Decorate

Many of your halloween decorations can be re-utilized for thanksgiving.  Turn those plastic jack-o-lanterns around for some plain pumpkins to help set the harvest-mood.  Print some thanksgiving-printable subway art to hang around the house to remind you what Thanksgiving is all about.

9.) Accessorize

Paint your nails with a turkey or autumn-leaf theme.  Make a seasonal t-shirt or some onesies for the littlest turkeys in your family.

10.) Have a Party

Many people are busy with their families on actual thanksgiving.  If you want to extend the holiday-fun to more than just family you could consider throwing a pre-thanksgiving party.  This is bound to be a hit with kids who love any excuse to play games and eat goodies. (...did I say kids? I meant me.)

11.) Check out our Pinterest Page!

Our authors will be busy pinning some of our favorite Thanksgiving-related pins (Including the pictures above with their related links) onto our Thanksgiving page: 

(Clicking this will take you to our Thanksgiving Pinterest Page)

Happy Turkey Day!