Working on Staying at Home- Guest Post by Robyn

" Stay at home mom. "

          For some, this term brings up feelings of guilt at having to be a working mom, for others it may bring up feelings of confusion as to how someone could “sit at home” all the time, and for yet others it is simply the term used to describe what they are. 

The decision on whether to be a stay at home mom or a working mom is a very difficult one to make. No matter which decision you choose to make, there are judgments cast against you. Working moms are criticized for not being around to raise their children, for not being home enough. People say things like, “I don't know how you do it.” or “How could you leave your baby?” Stay at home moms are criticized for not helping to provide for their families and for sitting around all day doing nothing. People question how you don't get bored or joke about how nice it must be to have so much free time. The truth is, there are sacrifices to be made in either decision, and they are sometimes very hard ones to make.

            When I had my first son, there was no question; I was staying home with him for as long as I could. I stayed with him for nineteen exhausting and amazing months. It was a very tight, difficult time for my family, but I absolutely cherish every second I was able to spend with him, and in many ways they were the best nineteen months of my life. My son and I bonded in such a special way that I just don't think would have been possible had I spent all of those days at work rather than with him. Sometime towards the end of those months, though, my husband and I decided it would be best for everyone if I went back to work. We wanted to buy a house, so the money would be nice, and I needed to do something “useful” for my own sense of self worth. Going back to work was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I cried for weeks beforehand, and every time I dropped my son off to daycare for almost a year. I felt so guilty that I was spending more time at work than with my child and that someone else was essentially raising my child instead of me. Every bad habit that was brought home from daycare, and every new thing he learned was a reminder that someone else had more influence on him than I did.

           Shortly after I started working, my husband and I got pregnant with our second child. I was so excited, but with that also came the dread of telling the superiors at my job. Being a teacher to middle school children, I did not have the pleasure of hiding my pregnancy or breaking the news in my own way. My students were kind enough to call me out in class one day, something along the lines of, “Are you pregnant? You used to be really skinny and now you're not.” Thanks so much for noticing. By the way, I was only about eight weeks along. Fortunately, a lot of teachers are women so schools seem to be pretty understanding and accepting of pregnancies. It wasn't very long before the gossip started, though. While walking through the office one day, I overheard two coworkers talking about me and how they were certain I wouldn't come back to work after the baby was born, saying, “It must be nice to have money like that, wish I could just stay home”. This sort of judgment has never made sense to me. Lets face it, unless you are in someone's everyday life, you have no idea what their finances are or what sacrifices might be being made to make something happen.

            My second son was born in September. I stayed home for 8 weeks, though I received some grief for that from a few coworkers, including an email that was highlighted and done in bold stating the average maternity leave is only 6 weeks. I knew before he was born that I wanted to stay home with him for at least his first year. For various reasons, I returned to work after my 8 weeks off, with the intent of only staying for 5 weeks. I enjoy my job, but I enjoy being a mom more. I have come to the conclusion that it is impossible to give your all to both your job and your children. In the end, one or both ends up suffering. The hardest part about my decision to once again be a stay at home mom, was giving my resignation.

            I don't care how old you are, the principal is scary. Having only worked at my school for a little over a year, I did not know my principal well, other than that she did not go out of her way to talk to me, and she made me nervous any time she did. I decided the best thing for my nerves would be to send a resignation letter via email. Call me a coward if you like, but it was much easier that way. Much to my surprise, my principal was not only very understanding of my decision, but during one conversation she told me that in twenty years I will look back and know that I made the right decision. In another conversation she suggested that I could return to my job when my kids were in school, and in yet another she told me I was welcome back any time I like and asked if I would be willing to substitute once in a while.

            It has been three weeks since my return to stay at home mom status, and in so many ways it is different than the first time I held that title. I do not get to spend hours just gazing upon the face of my little baby, and I do not get to spend all day laughing and playing with my little boy. Life with two children is a little more chaotic than with just one. But it is also that much more beautiful. I have the pleasure of watching my boys interact, which can be one of the most heart wrenching, amazing things I have ever seen. I get to watch my sons grow and learn each and every day. I really don't believe a day goes by that I am not amazed by my toddlers intelligence, compassion, sense of humor, and imagination. The baby gets bigger by the minute I think, and is learning and talking and becoming his own little person as well.

            While I am sure at some point, perhaps even multiple times, during my time as a stay at home mom, I will feel unappreciated or useless or invaluable. See, we as moms are very hard on ourselves over everything. I am not sure that we can help it. As I have felt in the past, I am sure I will have pangs of guilt when I am spending money that I did not earn, or doing something fun with the kids while my husband is at work. Then I will remind myself, or likely my husband will remind me, that I am valuable and I do have a purpose and my job is important.

A Girl and Her Pump: A Tale of a Working Mother who Breastfeeds

Did you know that roughly once a day I'm hooked to a mechanical device that vacuums the mother's milk from my body?  Oh really-no you didn't?  Because the greater majority of my coworkers, friends, and family all do.

[Image Credit: Here]

It truly doesn't sound very glamorous the way I described it, but anyone who has been tethered to a breast pump will know where I'm coming from.  When you're suctioned to that device willing the clock to move just a little faster- glamorous is the last thing you're feeling.  Uncomfortable would probably be an understatement.

Imagine you're sitting in a storage room at work.  Surrounded by discarded odds and ends, a broom without a handle, a generic box of maxi-pads, and an old dusty box television on a cart with wheels. Now add the part that you're essentially naked from the waist-up and hooked-up to one of the most awkward-looking devices involving suction cups known to man.  The storage closet is barely big enough for you to stretch your legs before they hit the door, which has a nice-sized gap under it.  A big enough gap that you can see people's shoes as they walk past you.  The people who you're praying are legally deaf because the hallway outside is silent aside from the scuffling of their feet and the device you're clutching in both hands is making a sound comparable to Niagara Falls.

The fun part is every once in awhile when someone in need of one of those supply-closet supplies comes along and their shoes stop right in front of the door.  And you freeze like a squirrel in the middle of the street when a car is coming.  You locked the door right? Maybe you accidentally unlocked it when you thought you were locking it.  What if you locked it- but they have a key?  Should you start scrambling now?  Should you just call-out and tell them not to come in? Should you stick out your legs in that teeny storage room and wedge the door shut when they try to open it?  Because they're totally going to open that door.

Thankfully- they never do.  (Ok maybe it happened once but that's another story)  But in that moment you really are convinced it's going to happen.  And it's a terrifying moment with your heart in your throat when you start to wonder if your personal choice to breastfeed after you go back to work is about to become a lot less...personal.

It's unnatural- and anyone who says it doesn't feel a little... well weird, is lying.  And as if the physical discomfort wasn't enough- the knowledge of knowing that everyone else knows doesn't help.

Making the choice to breastfeed can be like facing a hurricane.  If you don't- you're seen as selfish, incapable, or lazy.  If you do- you're seen as an extremist and holier-than-thou.  A storm of judgement, comments, unsolicited advice, and emotions of all kinds.  I've breastfed both my boys- with formula supplements when I needed a break or when I was at work. (Let the judgments fly)  And I've felt almost every range of emotion you can feel in relation to feeding your baby.  Everything from joy to guilt.

Even after I'd made the decision to breastfeed- my emotional roller-coaster wasn't over.  Going back to work had me facing another decision: to stop breastfeeding during the day, or to pump while I was at work?  In reality- I had already made my decision.  I wanted to breastfeed as long as I could, and pumping would help ensure my supply didn't dry-up.

Unfortunately- while I was comfortable with my decision, not everyone else was.  Not being available during lunch is not something that goes complete unnoticed when you're working in a highly collaborative field like teaching.  And unfortunately- my classroom is not always a realistic location to get the job done.  I've found myself cornered in more than one awkward conversation with a coworker (often male coworkers) about why exactly I can't make that lunch meeting- or where in the world do I go?

Being shy the first time around while I was pumping for my first son was a lot more realistic.  I was a new teacher- and didn't know too many people. I was also teaching 3 grade levels so I didn't have common planning or lunch time with many of my coworkers.  My absence wasn't nearly as missed.  (Although to my horror I did find out last year that I was the butt of several breast-milk jokes around campus...awkward.)  This year I've had to face the storm head-on. I've had to learn how to be comfortable with being comfortable...when I feel...uncomfortable. lol

I remember one conversation in particular where I was discussing with a non-nursing mother how/where I planned to pump during the day.  Trying to be helpful, she suggested that I go to the restroom.  When I seemed less than enthusiastic about that idea (...the bathroom? I should sit for approximately 15 minutes on an open toilet seat in a smelly cubical where people poop and pee while I handle my newborn's food? No thanks.) She then explained to me about a teacher she once knew who locked the door, turned-off the lights, and sat on the floor under her desk while she pumped.  While I agreed about the locked door and lights out- the mother was shocked when I told her I planned to just sit at my desk rather than uncomfortably huddled on the floor under it.  Despite explaining that my desk is well out of view of the door and/or any windows- she seemed appalled that I would sit there at my desk "like normal" while doing that.

I guess I could see where she's coming from.  As I mentioned before- it's not "normal"... but is it really such a big deal?  Is breastmilk really so gross that it goes in the category of things that belong in the bathroom?  Am I being too liberal in thinking it's closer to being compared to eating my lunch at my desk than some kind of unsanitary biohazard?

I honestly really don't know.

I'm not sure what makes the pumping at work scenario so uncomfortable- but I have a sneaking suspicion it's closer to the fact that everyone around you is uncomfortable about it (or you think they are uncomfortable) rather than the actual nursing mother being uncomfortable with it herself.

While I'm comfortable with own pumping... maybe I wouldn't be so comfortable if the roles were reversed with someone else.Or maybe it just has something to do with the secret vs. sacred debate.  Breastfeeding is natural, but it is also private- and not something most women are 100% open about all the time.

But enough with me type-talking to myself- and on with the (hopefully) helpful part of my post:

TIPS FOR PAINLESS PUMPING AT WORK:

While pumping isn't all daisies and roses- there are a few tricks and tips I've learned along the way that can make the process slightly less unpleasant- and maybe even a positive empowering experience.

1.) Be familiar

• Get to know your pump.  Read the manual, test putting it together and taking it apart.
• Try it out at home.  Even if you're home with your baby and you don't "have" to pump- it's a good idea to try it a couple of times to get an idea of how long it's going to take and the general process from start to finish so you aren't feeling so anxious when you're in an unfamiliar setting and a time-limit.
• Using a breast pump for the first time can be an unsettling surprise.  I would suggest trying a hand-pump first if possible.  You have a little more control and it can help you get used to the process without the automatic suction of a mechanical.
• Talk to other moms who have pumped and/or read up on some personal experiences and tips.  (Oh wait- you're already doing that!  You rock mom!)

2.) Be Prepared

• Breast pads are a must especially the first few weeks while you get used to your pumping schedule.  Nothing like an unexpected leak to put a damper on your pro-pumping attitude.
• Check your pump bag before you leave your house. (Even if you packed it the night before)
• Extra things I like to have in my pump bag aside from actual pumping/storage supplies include my smartphone, chapstick, a snack, hairties, hand sanitizer, and back-up breast pads.  
• If you're really prepared and space in your bag allows- you can even throw-in an extra back-up shirt.
• I like to keep a receiving blanket in case I find myself needing to pump in the car or somewhere that doesn't have 100% guaranteed privacy to give me a little bit of back-up modesty.

3.) Storage

• Find a storage method that works for you.  
• Keep in mind the guidelines for safely storing breast milk- and make sure that whatever method you're using is keeping your baby's milk safe.
• I prefer bags like the Lansinoh brand for long-term freezer storage.  These bags are bigger so you can fit more than the usual standard 5oz inside if you pump a little more than usual one day.  You can also freeze them flat then stack them to save room.
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• For short-term storage I'm a fan of Philips AVENT BPA free containers.  They have a wide opening for easy pouring- and because they are bigger than other milk-storage bottles (like the medela ones) they are fairly easy to wash and you don't have the issue of having the separated fatty-milk getting stuck inside after being refrigerated and being unused.  Plus bottles are reusable! Go green! 
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4.) Ambiance

• You have to own your choice to breastpump.  Feeling overly uncomfortable or intimidated is going to make you tense and make it more difficult to pump as much as you could if/when you are relaxed.
• Don't check your e-mail.  Along with the stress-minimizing effort, you want to avoid doing anything "work" like.  It's tempting to try and be "productive" while you're sitting there for a good chunk of time every day- but just remember that you ARE being productive.  You are feeding your baby (and saving your family some money!).  Set that time aside and try not to worry about anything else.
• Try and replicate your regular breastfeeding environment as much as possible.  Do you put your feet-up when you're breastfeeding your little one?  Do you browse Pinterest on your smartphone? Try and replicate the experience as much as possible to help remind your body that even though the baby isn't there- it's time to produce some milk.
• "Bring" your baby to work.  This is another great reason to bring a receiving blanket.  If it's one your little one used that morning it may smell like them, or seeing it will remind you of seeing them wrapped in it's soft fabric.  A favorite for many pumping moms is to bring a picture of their little one with them.  You could even take it a step further and have several pictures or videos on your smartphone of your baby to look at while you pump.
• Turn the lights off-check to make sure the door is locked- grab a snack and put your feet up.  Even though you don't have your baby with you- this is still your time together.  You are doing this for the soul purpose of nourishing and sustaining them.  Even if you can't be together for breastfeeding- it can still be a bonding experience to know that you are doing what you can for them while you're apart.

5.) Go Easy on Yourself

• If you are lucky enough to be able to breastfeed your little one for any amount of time- it is a blessing.  Even if you have to quit earlier than you had planned or you end up breastfeeding less often than you would have liked.
• Pumping (like actual breastfeeding) is HARD!  You may feel discouraged from time to time... and that's ok.  
• Remember to keep your personal emotional and mental health in check.  If pumping becomes a stressful obligatory burden- you may want to weigh the pros and cons of pumping at all.  
• Every baby, every mother, and every breastfeeding/pumping experience is unique.  Remember that even if you can't pump and your baby needs to be on formula during the day, you still have the option to try to continue breastfeeding when you're home at night and on the weekends.  
• Some breast milk is better than no breast milk.  And even NO breast milk is better than a stressed-out mother.  
• You know your body and your baby best- so be sure to make the best decisions for both of you.  

Happy Pumping!