The Skin You're In

This week's topic was-

"Swimsuit Season: Modesty and Self Image".

While our authors struggled to tackle such an overwhelmingly powerful (and broad!) topic, many of our readers were also putting their thoughts into words.  We asked for you to share your point of view- and we had several awesome ladies step up to the challenge.

(In case you missed our author's posts this week, you can click the "Swimsuit Season" label at the top of this blog, or click their names here:  Jenny    Jessica    Sarah   Bianca   Faye   Mandi )

Here we have listed some of our favorite contributions.  

Be sure to check them all out by clicking on their titles.

Share your favorites and comment with your point of view!

Self Image: The Lessons We Learn

Debbie Shares how self image, sometimes painful, follows us throughout our lives and is something we need to address with our daughters.

Not only guest blogging with us today, Debbie is also the managing editor of her local mom's blog.

  (tampabaymomsblog.com)

Bodies

Leah writes from the perspective of a former fashion blogger, and someone who has given a lot of thought to the topic of Self-Image.

She guest posts for us today, and in addition to her personal blog- writes a blog about shopping ethically and responsibly.

(wisestyle.wordpress.com)

More Than a Hemline: Why the debate on modesty is starting to bug me.  and The Hemline Wars

Sharon shared this two-part post on our facebook page.  In these posts- Sharon addresses the modesty issue from multiple perspectives.

There are some truly awesome points made throughout Sharon's posts- and already some great comments being made by readers.  Take some time to join the discussion and leave your own comment!

Holes in her pants

As a middle school teacher and mother of two teenage boys, Julieanne writes her post with justified concern for our youth and their future.  She voices some of the concerns many parents have had (or will have) as their children go through that critical "coming of age" time period in their lives.

Julieanne is also the amazing and talented author of the new book Uprooted. This novel is geared toward young-adult readers, but deals with issues we can all relate to and appreciate. Check it out!

Modesty & Me

I admit I don't know what to say about this topic. I was raised in an LDS home, where discussing modesty was very common, my parents had four daughters and wanted to make sure we knew how to dress appropriately. It's common knowledge that Mormons tend to cover more of their bodies than others, and since that's what makes them happy I think it's great. Heck I think women who wear a Hijab are fantastic if it's what they want to do.

In High school I started to pull away from the church for many different and very personal reasons, I'm now no longer active in the LDS faith. That brought on it's own set of troubles and still does at times. When I would go home to visit family I'd throw on a tank top like I usually do just to second guess myself "I have a baby now, I'm married, should I be showing my shoulders? Will my neighbors from church think less of me? Will it bug my family?" I never had these thoughts when I was in my own home around friends that weren't raised the way I was. But in Utah visiting family I was afraid of them judging me. Nothing is worse than the people whose opinion matters the most to you saying you're doing something wrong. In Kansas I would go to the pool with my daughter in a Bikini because it made me happy, I was comfortable wearing a two piece. Did I care what other men thought? No. I wasn't doing it for attention, I was doing it because it made me feel good about myself, it was comfortable and in my opinion not immodest in any way. What I wore was nobody's business but mine. Well, as long as it covered the essentials and didn't get me arrested! Ha ha. Yet, when I got home to put up pictures of things we'd been doing that summer, I hesitated. I picked through the pictures, not wanting to post any of me in a bikini because that wasn't "right". 

Nobody should feel judged for the way they want to dress themselves. In my opinion Modesty is more about culture. In the LDS culture I was taught revealing the stomach is frowned upon. Much like revealing the face is frowned upon among Muslims. It's cultural, religious, and personal.

As the mother of two daughters I do want to be a good example, and I don't want my girls leaving the house in clothes that barely cover them. I will teach them to respect themselves, but I will also teach them to be true to themselves and not worry about others opinions. I went through a phase as a teenager where I was trying to figure out who I was, a big part of that was the way I dressed myself. I would go get my hair done, maybe throw in some pink because I thought it was cute. I felt happy as I left the salon, I loved my new hair. But there were people who would judge anyone that didn't fit the mold of how they thought people should dress, and it was hard. I don't want my girls to ever feel that way. I don't want them to care so much about what other people think that it completely changes their opinions of themselves. I want them to be confident and know that the way they dress doesn't change who they are.

I guess the bottom line when it comes to modesty for me is dress in a way you're comfortable, dress in a way that makes you feel as though you are respecting your body. And don't be ashamed of it. Eventually I decided to stop worrying about offending others. I'm not a bad person because I choose to dress the way I do, just as someone else isn't weird for choosing to wear as much as a long sleeved full length scuba suit to the beach if they want. I say do what makes you feel good about yourself. I can't describe the sense of freedom I felt when I decided to let go of all those worries and just be me. And guess what? My family didn't care, my friends don't like me any less. Just be you and stop hiding behind what you think society, family and friends think you should be. 

Putting My Best Foot Forward

A much newer version of my shoes.

There is a special pair of shoes in my closet right now. They fit me well. I’ve had them for about 13 years.  I can’t bear to part with them although I do not wear them very often anymore. I’ve worn them on sunny days, rainy days, snowy days…many days. I’ve walked miles and miles in them…and yes, even uphill, in the snow. And up until a short time ago, I never thought about how they really looked after years of wear. To me, they still seemed to be in pretty good shape.

A few years ago, I wore them while I was pregnant with Mini-me and teaching five periods of high school Spanish. I jumped up and down in them while trying to get my teenage students’ attention. I stomped my feet in them. Heck, I played hop scotch and double dutch in them. Then one day, a couple of my wonderful students scoffed at my shoes. “Why do you wear those ugly, old shoes, Mrs. K.”?  one student asked me. “They’re frumpy and out of style”, another lovely and of course, ever tactful student replied. I smirked at the thought of my teenage students giving me fashion tips. We all laughed together. “I like them! I feel comfortable in them. They keep my toes warm and I can walk forever in them…now, tell me to ‘get rid of the shoes’ in Spanish and I’ll consider it”, I replied.

They never could say it right…and I still have my shoes. Heh heh.

Usually I used to take my students’ comments in stride. I mean hello, I used to teach 14-18 year olds for a living. But later on, I began to think about the way I dress and about the topic of modesty in general. A few thought-provoking questions came into my mind: Do I wear some types of clothing based on my need to belong and be accepted, to show my wealth or social status, or to just show off my individual style? Do we as a society feel the pressure to wear what we wear out of obligatory reasons or for other reasons? How does what I wear influence my self-image?

In an ever-changing society, it’s hard to ascertain what modest dress is and what it is not. Culturally, there are differences based on where one lives, too. For example, in certain beaches in France, it’s ok to sunbathe topless, while in other places like the Middle East or some parts of India, women wear thick, black burkas to follow the law of purdah, (or veiling) and to show modesty and respect for themselves and others.

Then here, in the good ole Us of A, there is the controversial brouhaha towards some women who choose to publicly, but discreetly breastfeed their babies, while others who mock this practice wear low-cut shirts donning cleavage from their latest breast implants. Hmm...maybe I’ll leave that zinger of a post for another day.

Megan Fox. Pretty Foxie, eh?

Being bombarded left and right with television commercials, movies, and magazines filled with the untouchable Megan Foxes or Angelina Jolies of the world makes defining modesty and painting a "realistic" picture of self-image a little more difficult, too. Sometimes it seems, according to society, to be a “successful” woman you need to look like Eva Longoria, have the brains of a CEO like Hewlett-Packard’s Meg Whitman, and be uber-funny like Tina Fey. There’s always someone else we can compare ourselves to. Whether it's due to the drowning effects of the media or these preconceived notions of what we should be or look like, young girls and women can feel the pressure of just not measuring up. I was once that girl.

Until I became a mother.

Me and Mini-me

After my first child was born, I began to look at my body and my mind in wonder at the incredible accomplishments I had achieved. And let me also set the record straight: Becoming a mom didn’t magically bibbidi-bobbidy-boo away all of the indoctrinating pre-conceptions of what my body should look like. (You mean, my belly doesn’t go back to normal immediately right after birth? Will this saggy skin get better? Where did those stretch marks come from? Yes, those questions). However, watching my body go through pregnancies and births has given me a newer, brighter, and better perception of what we as women can accomplish and the importance of revering our beautiful selves. Becoming a mom to my sweet girls, has impelled me to further study the topic of dressing modestly and how to have a healthier self-image, too. And I hope I can share with them some important truths I’ve found thus far:

First, our bodies are sacred gifts. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon) I believe that we are created in the image of our loving Heavenly Father and He has given us our bodies as sacred gifts. Because of this vital knowledge, I want to protect my body. I believe the way I dress is one way I can show gratitude and reverence for it. Hey, even some cars have front-end bras to protect from the road debris and bugs. We protect our cars, why wouldn’t we do a better job at covering our bodies and protecting them from the worldly, harmful elements?

A car-bra!

Second, How I dress can influence thoughts. Someone once told me that what we wear can put thoughts (whether good or not) into people’s heads. I disagree and agree. I think it’s a matter of wording for me. While we can’t control what kinds of thoughts enter into people's minds and technically what they think about is not our fault, what we do, say, and what we wear can have an influence on ourselves and others. That’s why wearing provocative clothing provokes, or stirs up, purposefully, as wise, old Mr. Webster stated. I once heard the example: Imagine you are watching a play and the lead actor comes out wearing a clown costume, even though he starts playing the serious part of the lead.This would confuse the audience as to what is the actor’s agenda and role.

I might add, dressed like a clown, I’m most likely going to act like one, too. I also believe that the way I dress influences my own thoughts. If I am dressing modestly, I feel more confident, my self-worth increases and I respect myself more.

Third, Modesty is Freedom. I recently read that one of the definitions of modesty is “freedom from conceit or vanity”. I think that's pretty cool. For me, dressing modestly is something that I choose to do and it frees me from dressing the way media portrays I have to. I have the freedom to choose what I want to wear based on how I view myself and how I want to be perceived by others. We actually all have this freedom, regardless of what we wear. However, by choosing to dress modestly, I feel that I am investing in my confidence and am placing value on who I am, rather than to perpetuate that my value depends solely on my appeal.

Ultimately, I hope I can teach my girls to be confident as they walk in their own shoes. Learning to love oneself and have confidence is a challenge. I’ve learned that placing one foot in front of the other is sometimes all that matters when on the path to becoming a better, more spiffy, and more confident me. And if all else fails and the self-doubt monster creeps in from time to time, I just give in and heck, buy the new shoes. Shoe retail therapy works, too. At least they don’t ever have to go over my hips.

PUSH Down The Aisle

The day had come. I had waited so long. There I was. There they were, all staring at me. They watched my every move and smiled at me warm heartedly, inviting me in. They all celebrated my arrival and decision to take the next step. I continued forward, walking deeper and deeper into an ocean of insecurity, doubt, and temptation.

I considered running out of there as fast as I could. I didn't think I was strong enough to make the right decision. I chose to stay. I continued down the aisle.  My journey had begun. I took a deep breath. Let the shopping commence.

This is what shopping is like for me. At least since I’ve committed to  the high standards of modesty that are strongly encouraged in my church. 

Increased standards of modesty is perhaps one of the hardest commitments I’ve ever made. Especially because I felt perfectly modest prior to becoming a member of the Mormon Church. It isn’t challenging because I like to dress promiscuously, enjoy showing cleavage, or like to put my legs on display. In fact, it’s the complete opposite!  What I sometimes obsess over are the actual clothes, not how much skin I show. Here are some common thoughts I might have when shopping or dressing for the day.

It’s just skin and bones, why should I have to hide it. I am not my skin.

It’s way too hot outside. There’s no way I’m wearing an undershirt.

What harm could I possibly cause by wearing this adorable black lace skirt?

The lace back on this satin, pastel shirt is so beautiful. I don’t want it because it’s revealing or would attract attention. I just want to wear it. It would make me feel pretty! 

All pretty innocent thoughts, right?

Oh, and how about swimsuits? Don’t even get me started! I love two pieces AND one pieces! I love the colors, the patterns, the styles, and the textures! So what in the world keeps me from wearing two pieces? If I love them so much, why don’t I just wear them and enjoy it?

I wish I could round this blog out with how I’ve overcome my personal modesty challenges. I've erased two entire paragraphs because it just didn’t feel real. I still occasionally choose cute lace back shirts and short summer skirts (not mini skirts, but just short-ish). Some of my shirts are a little too low. Some of my shorts are a little too short.

My church challenges its members when it comes to modesty with the following question: “Would I feel comfortable with my appearance if I were in the Lord's presence?” For the majority of what I wear, I could sincerely answer yes. To some of my clothes, not so much.

What I am excited to share with you is that I am always challenging myself to PUSH forward and be better than the person I was yesterday. I always strive to open up my mind. I could carry on thinking that what I wear affects only me. On the other hand, I can expand my mind to the idea that how I clothe my body affects the people around me- sometimes, very negatively.

There aren't many worse feelings (as a married woman) than being the cause of a married man’s (or single) lustful thoughts and desirous thinking.  Can you imagine?

Here’s a scenario: Let’s say I’m wearing my loyal turquoise V-neck t-shirt and some jeans. I feel perfectly comfortable and modest. We have company. We’re lounging on our couch. The AC is down low and I’m so cold! I hug myself and rub my arms to warm them up. In the process I create cleavage! You know the kind I’m talking about (the kind we create in the mirror when no one’s looking). I look up and I catch the eye of my good friend’s husband, who had just spend 2-3 seconds looking at my breast. Yes, I said it- my breasts! I look away and pretend I didn’t notice. Can you feel the awkwardness?

 I feel uneasy. Because of my carelessness, I put him in this awkward situation. Perhaps he will never think of it again. Maybe he’s at a place spiritually and in his marriage that something like this couldn’t possibly faze him. Maybe that night, while lying next to his wife, he wonders what it would be like to date other women again. Maybe he imagines what it would be like to be intimate with someone new.

This is the kind of thinking that makes me PUSH myself to be selflessly modest. Despite where I stand today in my understanding and acceptance of physical modesty, I need to own my actions. How do I affect my husband? How do I affect other men? How do I make other women feel when I’m around their husbands?

It would devastate me to think that someone wouldn’t feel comfortable with me being around their husband because of my choice of clothing, no matter how comfortable and secure I feel.

When I walk down the aisle again, I will be tugged left and right every time. The colors, patterns, and textures will all sing me my own personal lullaby. Each shirt and each dress will present me with their own personal plead: “Choose me, I’m trendy” or “Choose me, I go perfectly with those shoes you bought last week!” Each time, I will be able to tune more and more out. I will be able to put my own understanding of modesty and weakness for fashion aside, and be a little more selflessly modest. I will PUSH forward, striving to be more modest than I was yesterday.

 

Ah, summer...

It's that special time of year where everybody complains about the incredible heatwave... that happened at this same time last year... with the same temperatures...

This season has a habit of making people forget about things that happened before, as every summer tends to mush together in our brains. We habit forming humans create routines for the seasons, and hot weather in particular produces shorts, flip flops, sunscreen, cool drinks, and late nights. Many people can relate to this, but only a special few can identify a summer when your life was on the verge of change. Your last summer before becoming a mother.

Having an autumn baby meant that I was steadily becoming heavily pregnant during the time of year when the sun was threatening to scorch the earth. More often than not I felt like an overheated manatee left out on the beach to dry. Being a person who loves to hang out by the pool, that summer was unusual for me because I never stopped by, not even once to dip my toes in. Feeling rather self-conscious I was worried my burgeoning baby bump would encourage unwanted gawking, especially as I reminisced about the summer prior how I had enjoyed sunbathing slathered in coconut oil with a smooth, flat tummy.

I became rather focused on how my body was changing, and while I gave some consideration to how my life would be affected, there is really nothing to prepare anyone for parenthood. I would think to myself I should relish my freedom while I still have it, but the luxury of solo trips to the store and being able to come and go as I please would not be something I could fully appreciate until it was gone. Thankfully my fear of losing everything I came to understand as a self-actualized adult was smoothly replaced by my growing excitement and anticipation as flutters became kicks and people began to recognize me as pregnant and not that fat girl with a pretty face.

Admittedly there were some aspects of the change that were unpalatable for me because I was experiencing my pregnancy alone; At that time my husband was deployed to Iraq so I was left to fend for myself. That meant when I got 11pm cravings for Wendy's, I would have to be my own best friend and go get it. When my belly got too big to see my body from the waist down, a mirror on the floor became responsible for making sure I was wearing the same pair of shoes on both feet. And most importantly, late at night when I got a sharp kick to the bladder, I didn't have anyone to pre-warm the seat for me, so I'd have to suck it up and plop down on a chilly toilet. Although these are all things I would have loved to have experienced with him, the independence of it all became another defining aspect of that summer.

I have many fun and even some not-so-pleasant memories from that time, but collectively it was a season I will forever cherish. During that short phase even though I thought I understood everything, it is only in hindsight that I can fully comprehend what a special and unique time in my life it was. My experiences I had back then will always stand apart from all the heatwaves I have had and will have from here on out - even when it's old age that turns my brain to mush and not the heat.  For the rest of my life, I will always honestly be able to share how I am blessed to have a summer memory as distinguished as turning the page in my life from being simply a woman to becoming a mother.
-JLH

JLH is the devoted wife of an adrenaline junkie soldier of the US ARMY, and the mother of a quirky and sassy five year old girl. The author has a love for the absurd, a penchant for the strange, and enjoys walking on the wacky side of life.