Getting Back On Track

       On the morning of January 1st I walked into the bathroom, took off my pajamas, and stepped on the scale.

251.2 pounds

I was in shock, but at the same time there was no actual reason for me to be the least bit surprised at seeing the number glaring back at me from the scale's face. I knew I had terrible eating habits. I knew that exercise wasn't a word that could even come close to describing any of my daily activities. I spent every day living out the same routine: wake up, eat breakfast (3 eggs, two slices of toast slathered in butter, and a cup of coffee with so much cream and sugar you could barely tell it was even coffee), go to work, sit at my desk for 4 and a half hours where I would inevitably need some kind of snack, go on my lunch break (usually a ham sandwich with cheese and mayo, way too many chips on the side), watch videos on my phone until it was time to go back to work, another afternoon snack of some kind,  home for dinner, and finally to finish it all off dessert during an evening of TV time.

       This was every day, with very little deviation. If you asked me why I lived like this I would tell you I didn't go outside because the heat gets to me really badly, or I'm too picky to eat anything really healthy, maybe that my asthma would get in the way of trying to be active. I made excuses for my unhealthy lifestyle constantly... but then I saw that number. 251.2 was unimaginable. I just couldn't believe I had let things get this bad. It was time to stop making excuses and make a real change.

       So, on January 2nd I re-downloaded the MyFitnessPal app for the first time in about 5 years and began to log every single thing that I ate or drank. I used a food scale at every meal. I bought a Fitbit and started forcing myself to go on walks throughout the day. I struggled so much at first. I tried mentally comparing the portion sizes for my food to what I used to eat and I was disgusted with myself, but I couldn't focus on what I used to do. I had to focus on what I needed to do from here on out.

       Now you may remember those excuses I mentioned before, in particular the one about the picky eating. I hate vegetables. I like very few fruits. I hate nuts and most carbs that are not white rice or potatoes. I'm sure you can imagine the difficulty I faced trying to balance the need for a healthy diet with an extremely limited palate. I've been working to slowly introduce some more diverse options into my meals, and while not always successful it has led to the addition of a few new favorites. For one, I have discovered that onions are beyond amazing. I used to meticulously pick through any meals that contained them until I had uncovered and removed every single piece, and now almost every single dinner I make contains onions. It may be a tiny victory but it's still progress.

       Horseradish, Cheddar, and Caramelized Onion Stuffed Burgers are such an easy and flavorful dinner after a crazy day at work. Ellie Krieger and her amazing healthy recipes have made this journey so much easier for me. The balance between healthiness and flavor is so perfect. The most important part of this whole journey so far has been trying to find that balance. I know as soon as I begin to feel deprived is when I will fail, so measuring everything and keeping proper portion sizes in mind is of the utmost importance. Craving something a little decadent but don't want to worry too much about your calories? Try Lemon Garlic Marinated Lamb Chops with a mix of mashed potatoes, celery root, and parsnips on the side for one of the most delicious meals you'll ever have... and still come in at under 500 calories for the whole meal.

     

       This lovely little chart is my journey so far. There have been many ups and downs and I still have a very long way to go (58.2 lbs to be precise), but I'm proud of how far I've come and the changes I've been able to make. 

251.2lbs January 2017

220lbs March 2017

165lbs, January through May 2012

       At my lowest weight I was 165lbs. This was in the first half of 2012. I was active, happy, and (in relative terms) healthy. I had the energy to do the activities I loved and I felt confident in my own skin. I hate that I let myself stray so far but I can get there again. I know that not only can I reach my lowest weight but I can surpass it as well. I'm starting with a goal of 160lbs by October of this year. I have lost 33 out of 91.2 pounds in 3 months so as of this moment I am right on track. It's hard and it's only going to get harder, but I can't wait to share with you guys when I get there. 

A Few Of My Favorite Things

       Writing has never been something I've felt overly confident with, at least not for anything longer than a few sentences. My first two posts on To Each Their Own were very difficult for me. I struggled with opening up about identity in my introduction and then even more so after my attempt to write about A Day Without A Woman. I felt so incredibly isolated from the women in this group, even feeling like the kid whose mom has to call all the other kid's parents to tell them to play nice. 

       These last few weeks have been especially trying as my health has been doing a fun little roller coaster. For years I have suffered from various stomach issues, but lately they've been joined with severe abdominal and side pains, dizziness, extreme fatigue, and a distinct reduction in my ability to concentrate. Some of these issues are being addressed after recent blood work but for the most part the pain is still a mystery. 

       It has been frustrating to say the last. I have felt the urge to give up more times than I could even begin to count, but every time there has been someone there to help me get back on my feet. I am always amazed at my friends and their ability to see the best in me when I am feeling my worst. So that all being said I'd like to take the time today to share two things that bring me joy, both as a personal reminder and in hopes that they can bring you a few moments of contentment as well. 

My Cats

       I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but I am a self-proclaimed crazy cat lady. I have five beautiful fur babies that help me every day to focus on the good. They are (in order of acquirement and in the photos below) Lily, Sashay, Jake, Elwood, and Katinka.

I know, I know. I have a weird taste in names for pets. Heck, I even had a fish named Tarquin once if you don't think the others are that bad. 

These little fuzz balls are always there when I need someone to talk to or cuddle with. They provide endless hours of entertainment with their antics and when I'm home sick in bed or find myself feeling so exhausted I can barely make it through the day they will lay with me until I'm ready to get up. I love them so much. They are the (very fuzzy) light of my life.

Photography

     I have had a camera practically glued to my hand since high school ended. Looking back on old photos this wasn't always a great thing, although I was so darn proud at the time. But as I continue to take photos I can definitely see the progress that I have made and having a wonderful network of supportive friends has been a huge part of that. Even though my health has kept me from doing photography as a full time gig, and lately shooting even more sporadically than usual, photography continues to provide me with a sense of fulfillment. Just yesterday in fact I pushed through the pain and went to Disney for The Flower and Garden Festival so that I could take photos. I probably spent a solid hour just in the butterfly garden before heading around the World Showcase.

       Nature photography is my all time favorite, being able to go out and capture these little pieces of the world.  Being surrounded by local and state parks (in addition to having things like the Flower and Garden Festival or Animal Kingdom only an hour away) gives me ample opportunities to photograph these beautiful creatures. 

       I've been asked many times to take photos for friends and family as well, whether it be for special events or just family photos. Those are a lot more nerve-wracking and I'm always terrified that I won't live up to the expectations, but when I see them sharing the photos after and the joy having those memories can provide it makes every bit of anxiety worth it. Now, bear in mind, that doesn't make the anxiety any less for next time, but that is a whole other issue in and of itself. It is my goal to keep trying, despite the mental roadblocks, and to focus on the positive even when it seems like it's impossible. 

       It's been a rough day, and I am sorry for the lateness of this post, but it would make me so happy to hear a few of the things that lighten your spirits when things aren't going your way. You can share them here in the comments or in the conversation group on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TETOConvoLounge/ 

My Otherness

Hello there. Now I’m a bit of a newbie when it comes to blogging, so please pardon any of the awkwardness that may follow. I’m Melissa, a 27-year-old Central Florida native and crazy cat lady who spends WAY too much time watching HGTV. I have always struggled a bit to define myself, although as the years go by I am finding it less and less of a necessity. (Call it the wisdom of age.)

Now, if I am being perfectly honest I was a little reluctant to write for T.E.T.O., especially after taking a look at the other contributors. I wasn’t sure I would exactly fit in. I have worked very hard in my life to surround myself with people that fit the labels placed on me. I’m not sure if this was out of a desire to seek comfort or if it was solely out of fear… probably both. Even now, as an adult, I still let my fear and past experiences keep me from living a life that is wholly true to myself. 

One part of my identity that has caused me a great amount shame and fear over the course of my years is my sexual orientation. I am Bisexual. This was something I have always known, even before elementary school, but wasn’t ready to admit to myself until around high school. Even then, I treated it as a novelty because that is how I saw it portrayed in the world around me. My sexual identity seemed other, out of place, and if I tried to embrace it as anything real I worried about a backlash. So I dated boys. This was not to say I didn’t care for them, far from it in fact, but there always seemed to be something missing. 

I remember a weekend trip to Disney World with my Mom, my Nana, and one of my best friends. We stayed at the Grand Floridian and it just happened to be the first weekend in June. Now if you have ever been to Walt Disney World the first weekend of June you may remember the sea of red shirts and rainbows announcing it to be the annual Gay Days meet-up. We had been frequent Disney-goers in my childhood so this was far from our first time at Gay Days, although it had never been anything more than coincidence or just enjoying the festive atmosphere that always seemed to accompany that weekend. Well, anyways, the friend and I after a long day at the parks and with the adults back at the room decided to enjoy a nice evening swim. In an entirely un-serious manner, at one point we kissed. I know I was never anything more than a friend to her, but in that moment something felt so very right. Kissing a beautiful girl in the hotel pool during Gay Days at Disney just felt right. 

One of my first shows with the Rich Weirdoes.

That was when I started to take my still-shaky identity more seriously. It was around college that I began to find my place. Between acting in/directing The Vagina Monologues at Stetson, getting a job at Disney and finding myself amongst queer peers, and eventually getting up the courage to join The Rich Weirdoes (a Rocky Horror shadow cast) I began to meet others who made it okay to be queer. I was no longer other, and that meant the world to me. I remember evenings spent dancing or watching friends perform their drag at Pulse nightclub and the butterflies in my stomach when I went with my first girlfriend to see The Hunger Games on opening night. 

As time goes on and I shift away from the lifestyle that seems to fit so well with what I wanted to be I find myself questioning again, only this time it is not my sexual orientation so much as it is my identification with the community I once belonged to. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I’m not a great dancer. Loud noises and crowded spaces make me incredibly anxious. My desire to participate is overwhelmingly trumped by my desire for comfort, and so once again I feel my otherness taking over. Part of it also comes from fear, although I am more willing to push through the fear than the discomfort because I know fear is something that doesn’t affect only myself. The fear comes from memories of nasty looks while I held my girlfriend’s hand in public, it comes from being run off the road and screamed at to “Go to hell you f***ing f**got!”, it comes from the emptiness in my gut when I think of the events of June 12th and waking up that morning praying that my friends weren’t dead. 

I am not trying to bring these events up to be divisive, but in the hope that someone who has never experienced this particular type of fear can be a little more understanding of why “coming out” is such a big deal for those on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum and why it is a choice every day to simply be yourself. I bring these up because it is difficult for me to embrace that part of my identity when I don’t feel like a part of the community in the way that I used to. I know there is not just one correct way to be queer, but every day is a struggle to remind myself of that very fact and to live truthfully. 

       I have always been a fan of the Bard so I will leave you all with this fitting quotation as I am running late for work and in desperate need to wrap things up.

“This above all: to thine own self be true”  Hamlet, Act-I, Scene-III