Today I had a pregnant “mama” pause while reading a book to
my girls. Have you ever had one of those before? For me, it’s the lapse of time
between being awake and starting to dream before fully falling asleep. This usually
happens to me at least a dozen times throughout the course of my day as I read
the same books over and over and over to mini-me and my-girl. But today, I started to day dream about a few
of my favorite memoires with my amazing BBH.
In two weeks we celebrate 9 ½ years of marriage. Yes, the countdown to our 10th wedding anniversary has begun. It seems
like we blinked an eye and we’re 10 years in. As cliché as it may sound, I don’t
know where the time has gone. It made me
think about where we currently are in our lives and where we want to go in the future. After almost 10 years of marriage, I know two
things: First, there are no guarantees that things will go as we plan- in fact
we can count on some things NOT going as planned. Second, I’m ok with that.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, but in the end, if we’re doing our best, we
will find success…it just may look different than what we thought it success might have
looked like. Over the course of our marriage I have found four life-savers that
have helped us continue to find happiness and to perspective in our marriage.
1) Don’t
underestimate your short-term goals. When BBH and I were first married, we
read a marriage book that discussed the importance of talking about certain
things, like the number of kids you want, what your likes and dislikes were,
and that we should set long term goals. Having a desire to start our marriage
off on the right foot, we decided to make these long term goals together. Important long term goals like: “We’ll have “x” amount
of kids by the time we’re “x”-aged old”, buying a home, finding a cure for cancer, owning a Mercedes Benz… you know, the usual long-term
goals with a few superfluous ones. We were young: 23 and 24 to be exact. The world was our
oyster. We were ready for whatever curve ball came our way and were excited to
start our lives together, hand-in-hand. Even though we had our plans and
long-term goals, life wasn’t panning out the way we thought. Kids didn’t come
as fast as we wanted, we lost a couple of loved ones, etc. As we grew in our marriage, I realized it was
our short term goals that kept us going. For example, monthly budgeting goals, being
active in our church, daily praying and scripture study, and regular dates were
some shorter-term goals that made all the difference as we faced harder
challenges in life. Short term goals effects strengthened us and eventually made a
few of our long term goals successful.
2) Be
proactive about effective communication. I think one of the hardest things to do is to
effectively communicate with a friends and family. The best thing I’ve learned
about communication came from a Communication 101 college class I took 15 years
ago: A message is only fully communicated when both parties can effectively listen
to one another. When I pause to listen, process, and understand what BBH is
saying, I am a better communicator, willing to first understand his
perspective, then tactfully share my own feelings in a successful manner. In Victor B. Cline's book, How to Make a Good Marriage Great: Ten Keys to a Joyous Relationship, he says: "Effective communication is more than just
‘talking,’ it is the type of interaction that gets the job done: solves
problems, builds self-esteem, enhances the relationships, relays important
messages, reinforces mutual respect, and helps bond the couple together as an
effective unit.”
3) Be Positively
Positive. Sometimes when life’s problems or disagreements come we can
become discouraged. Discouragement can lead to negativity. Negativity in
marriage can be poisonous and can cloud perspective and reality. We may start
to attack the person instead of the situation. I found that when I think positive
about my husband, I’m choosing to remember the best parts of him and not a
silly misunderstanding we had over something. When I choose to be positive, I’m
also choosing the best part of myself, as well.
4) Eat.
Love. Pray. – Not in that particular order, although it sounds good. Take
time for one another. Get a babysitter, go out on a date and grab a bite to
eat. Cook together, or find other
hobbies you like to do together. Love is not just one verb; it’s made up of many
different verbs, many actions that show how we much care about one another. The
small things make all the difference. I can’t count the number of times BBH has
come home after working 12 long hours and has happily helped me bathe and dress
the girls at night. Or the times he gets up to make dinner without me having to
do a thing. He cherishes me by what he does on a daily basis. He loves me
through plural verbs. I hope that I can always follow his example of love and service. Lastly, pray aloud with one another and pray for each
other privately. We pray for patience, perspective, kindness, love and foresight.
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