The Courage behind “Congratulations”

Sometimes even good things hurt.

My husband always reminds me “perception is reality.”  This is something I’ve thought about a lot.  It helps me remember the world doesn’t revolve around me. And it encourages me to not assume I understand how other people feel, or why they do and say the things they do.  But it also helps me find peace in my anxiety, as I over-analyze and try to apply my own experiences to someone else’s.  In the end, our experiences are our own, only our own- even when shared.  They are perceived through our own lens- our own perspective.  And they become our truth. 

I don’t know if you’re aware- but we’re in standing in the middle of a very large, very pregnant, “Baby Wave”. 

A “Baby Wave” is what many people call a period of time when it seems like everyone and their mother, (forgive me…I couldn’t resist) is pregnant and/or having babies.  It’s remarkable really. And it’s beautiful.  This phenomenon (I believe it’s phenomenal anyway) has the potential to create an instant bond between women, as they symptom-swap and exchange battle stories of past pregnancies.  Then one by one, they give birth to their beautiful little ones, and the cycle resets.  Then all is calm, until the next wave.

“Don’t drink the water!” is a joke commonly heard during these wave-times, exchanged between individuals who are not looking to join the preggo-club for a variety of reasons.  It’s a happy time full of wonder, swollen bellies, and hope. 

But there are some women- who aren’t making jokes.  Who quietly smile on the sidelines through the “Oh my gosh! When are you due?!” conversations.  The women who would give anything to drink the water, no matter how bitter the taste.

It’s uncomfortable to acknowledge that there can be pain even in the most beautiful times.  Especially when that pain is selfish, and that pain is our own.

So, in the interest of being transparent, here is my perception/reality: 

(hold on folks- it’s going to be a long, bumpy ride!  Go ahead and take your phone with you if you need to take a potty break. I won’t judge.)

I was naïve, 21 years old, and about to begin completing my three required internships to become an elementary school teacher. (spoiler alert: I never actually ended up teaching elementary school.) My husband and I didn’t have a real “plan”- but we’d been married two years and deeply desired to start a family.  Summer seemed ideal timing for a having a baby within my teaching schedule.  And so our journey began!

“Aunt Flo” was late that very first month- and I took a test. It was negative.  I cried.  A lot.

The next day I came home to flowers brightening our, tiny, dingy (seriously disgusting… but cheap) apartment; and my husband telling me he would love me no matter what.  My period still hadn’t arrived, and he convinced me to take another test. I did so grudgingly- and left it on the bathroom counter to process while I laid on the couch in despair.  (I wish I could say I became less dramatic with age, but it would taste like a lie.)

The next thing I knew- my husband was whooping and hollering for joy as he came bounding out of the bathroom to come shower me in kisses.  It was positive! We were having a baby!  For the next nine months, I felt like I was glowing.  I felt set-apart. I have never known as much joy as I did in then.  There were a lot of tears, but far more smiles, and I walked on clouds.  I was so proud- and so excited.

Pregnant with our first baby!

Four days past our due-date in June, we delivered our oldest- (a boy!) via Cesarean Section at 9lbs 3oz.  I hadn’t progressed, 0cm dilated 0% effaced- without a single “real” contraction.  He was “sunny side up” (meaning his face was out toward the front of my belly instead of back toward my spine) and his head was lodged in my pelvis making progression unattainable. 

I didn’t handle the C-section well.  I was still only first-learning how to cope with the anxiety/depression cocktail that is my mental health, and had an anxiety attack on the operating table.  Technically, the surgery still went flawlessly, but emotionally, it sent me spiraling into a depressive state.  Because of my sensitivities, I struggled with the juxtaposition of pain and numbness that followed, and to hold my baby.  At times everything was dark, and I felt angry.  I was so tired.  I was in so much pain. And I just wanted it to end. 

Eventually I began to heal, and feel like my old self- but I was terrified to experience that feeling again. 

The pain faded, and my desire for a baby outweighed my fears.  When I was 23 (working as a Middle School Science teacher) my husband and I found ourselves planning for another baby!  We were aiming for May to maximize the amount of time I would be able to spend with the baby.  That first month I found myself in familiar circumstances.  My period was late, the test was negative.  I tried not to worry, because this had happened before, but the next day instead of flowers and a dance for joy like my first pregnancy- I broke into a new box of feminine products.  I wasn’t pregnant.

I braced myself for the storm.  There were tears- but I tried to put my circumstances into perspective. I realized it wasn’t realistic to expect a positive pregnancy test right away.  It was amazing that it happened the first time with my oldest, but I needed to practice patience. I knew better than to assume things would always go 100% according to plan. That particular lesson however was short-lived, as the following month found us reading two pink lines and expecting another June baby! 

Pregnant with baby number two!

My second pregnancy was a little more difficult than the first. I felt cautious.  I was happy- but I was also scared.  Over the last two years I had many friends who experienced miscarriages, birth defects, or other complications.  I felt convinced something was going to go wrong.  As the due-date came closer, I began to feel a little more calm, but still anxious about what was going to happen.  I walked and walked and walked, and two days before his official “due date”- I delivered our second little boy, 7lbs 4 oz, with a flawless VBAC delivery.  (Vaginal birth after cesarean.) 

It seemed my fears were unconfirmed, and I allowed myself to cling tightly to this new little life.

Two years later- I was feeling empowered after my positive VBAC experience. I had been feeling strongly about having another baby, and secretly hoping for a “surprise” pregnancy ever since my youngest self-weaned at 8 months.  I was just SO sure we had another little one ready to join our family, and I couldn’t wait to meet them.  So at the comfortable age of 25, my husband and I decided to aim for an April baby.  We joked that was how we would get another summer baby to compliment my teaching schedule. (Since it took 1 month with our first baby, 2 months with our second baby- it would probably take 3 months with our third baby, and we’d get all three of them in June!)

We played it cool, but after the third month irrational worry started to creep in.  I kept my fears to myself, because I knew with my anxiety I wasn’t being logical.  But as time passed- I started to internally panic, and it became harder to keep to myself.  I asked a few close friends and family members to pray for us, but still no baby.  I felt guilty for mourning each month.  I felt I didn't have a real right to complain after having it "easy" with my first two.  After 6 months we decided to take a break.  My niece had be diagnosed with Morquio (MPS IV-A), and my husband was going to have some genetic testing done before we continued trying to conceive.  We couldn't afford IVF, so I was terrified a positive result would mean postponing having another baby indefinitely.  Thankfully- his tests came back clear- so we resumed our baby-trying.  Everything always seemed to work out just right for us. Except, no baby.  I couldn't wrap my head around it.

I went to the doctor who ran some standard blood work, but assured me I was young, and because we had two successful pregnancies before “the plumbing worked”.  I offered an uncomfortable courtesy-laugh at his joke, but I didn’t feel like it was very funny.  He told me I shouldn’t be concerned.  It had been a year since we started “trying” for baby #3, but because we had taken a short break- I didn’t qualify for additional fertility tests, and he was confident I didn’t need them.  In fact, I was told that pursuing unnecessary tests could actually hurt my chances of conceiving so it was best to just keep trying and waiting.  “Next time I see you, you’ll be pregnant!” he told me.  I smiled hesitantly in my paper gown and waited for the room to clear so I could get dressed.

I was 26 by now.

And then I was 27.

I was struggling.

I watched the baby waves ebb and flow.  I told myself to relax.

Everyone told me to relax.

• “You have two beautiful boys, be grateful for them.”
• “It will happen as soon as you stop trying.”
• “You haven’t been trying that long- just be patient.”
• “It will happen when you least expect it.”
• “I had real infertility, you’re not infertile.”
• “You’re so young, don’t rush it.”
• “It took us X amount of time to get pregnant, everyone is different.”
• “Two is a good number.”
• “So many people have it much harder, they never have a baby at all.”
• “Are you really trying? If you haven’t done XY&Z for ___ amount of time you’re not infertile, you’re just not trying hard enough.”

Truth blurred with doubt and I was miserable.  I began to spiral.  I hated my job.  I pushed my husband away.  I felt like an awful and unworthy mother, like I was neglecting the blessings I had been given by wishing for something more.  There was nothing physically wrong, so it had to all be in my head- which meant it was all my fault.  I became angry with myself, frustrated at the cycle of worry I had both created & become trapped in.  I tried to remind myself that my children needed me.  I told myself I was being selfish.  I pushed myself to wake-up, get dressed, and do the things I was supposed to do.  I all-but invested in stock for home pregnancy tests, as month after month I peed on those stupid plastic sticks.  I'd forgive them quickly though, always convinced I was just testing too early, or that next month would be different.

I went to the baby showers.  I sat on the theoretical shore as a supportive, smiling face, for the passing baby waves- but I quietly hid the feeds of my pregnant Facebook friends.  Especially the ones who “Oh my gosh- we weren’t even trying!” 

It wasn’t their fault.  After all- I’d been there.  Both our previous babies were meticulously planned, but they had come so easily.  It can be surprising (and even scary!) when you get the news.  Surprising, scary, & exciting!  They wanted to share- and that was their right.

But here’s what I realized. 

Here’s where I remember that “perception is reality.”

That same beautiful moment, from a single pregnancy announcement, has been shared, copied, and even tainted.  While the emotion of happiness surrounding that experience is genuine & overwhelming, the ripples through perception are not uniform.  My lens of unfulfilled dreams took my ripple of joy and welcoming for this new life, and laced it with pain.  The news was full of light, but also shadows of bitterness. 

These moments aren’t fair.  But they are real.  They are individual, and they are all valid.

In the beginning of 2016, I decided to quit my teaching job, and work from home as a LuLaRoe consultant.  I wanted something flexible & low-key so I could focus on myself, and my little family.  I joined a gym- and began making time for the things I enjoyed.   I was making peace.  At the time I was preoccupied with the life-changes I was making, and to my surprise- just as everyone suggested of course- I finally got pregnant! A year and a half since our journey’s start to baby #3, but only one month after deciding to take this crazy leap of faith, we were finally expecting! 

My third pregnancy.  My three year old was the photographer- hence the cropped head.

“Expecting” is such an appropriate word for pregnancy.  Hopes and dreams are immediately whirled into action as quickly as those two pink lines appeared on the home pregnancy test.  I had expectations, and these particular expectations had been under construction for a long time.

Unfortunately, the foundation wasn’t quite set.  Our baby girl was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 (also known as Edwards Syndrome) and after 17 long, heart-wrenching weeks of pregnancy filled with tests, fear, and unanswered questions, we lost the heartbeat.  I delivered her tiny unfinished body on my oldest son’s 5^th birthday.

They say when you can talk about something without crying, you’ve healed. 

I’m not quite there yet, but it's happening slowly.  I’d like to write a post someday about everything that miscarriage has taught me, but not today.

That Fall, after a couple of familiar disappointing months, we experienced a “chemical pregnancy”.  The pregnancy test was positive on a Monday, and I began bleeding on Saturday.  I had two  LuLaRoe “pop-up” boutiques that day.  In the morning I prayed it was some kind of harmless spotting.  I pushed through the party, unwilling to believe that I could really be miscarrying again.  But the bleeding didn't stop. I took a pregnancy test on my lunch break, and it was negative, so I knew the pregnancy had not been viable long.  I smiled, and laughed and complimented ladies as they tried on clothes that made them feel beautiful while I was falling apart from the inside out. 

Every loss is significant, but to me, it just felt like one long, painful blur.  This would have been another summer baby.

It’s been almost 3 years since we first started trying for baby number 3.  Many of the ladies I surfed the “baby waves” with during my first two pregnancies have since had another little one.  Many of them had the sweetest most beautiful little girls. It's so strange to feel so happy for someone else while still feeling so sad for yourself.  Sometimes I worry my sadness is blemishing their happiness, but I'd like to think it has the opposite effect.  Seeing those little ones reminds me of hope- and that good things happen.  It stings to watch with empty arms- but my heart still feels full. I scoop up my own little ones and hold them a little tighter.

This week I went to Walmart with my youngest to search for some coordinating clothing for my men-folk because we had family pictures coming up.  I decided to do some light grocery shopping while I was there, and I was in the bread aisle when the modern marvels of technology delivered the news that another one of my friends was pregnant by surprise, one of the friends who had two children the same ages as mine, but also already had a gorgeous little girl since. I kept my composure & continued shopping for about ten minutes before breaking down in front of the Oreos.

The right thing is to say “Congratulations!” when something good happens to someone else. 

But what do you say when your heart aches, and the words feel hollow?  What do you do when their something good is your nothing?

You sob in the middle of Walmart like a crazy person while an old man awkwardly tries to get to the Nilla Wafers behind you.  You take a deep breath and let yourself feel everything for just that moment.  You wipe your tears and realize that there’s an appropriate time and an inappropriate time to share your heart.  You remember the times when good things have happened to you too.  You remember life isn’t fair, and that’s ok.  You choose to make room for happiness right beside the sadness in your heart.  There’s room for both.  You acknowledge that this is their moment, and you will have your own turn in your own way to interpret those ripples and process your own residual experience.  Even if it isn’t when, or how you thought it would or “should” be.

You take courage, and find strength in the face of grief.

You say “Congratulations!”

My sweet boys playing at Grandma's house this weekend. 

Mom Confessions- "I will NEVER"

^That picture was taken before I had kids. (See how cool I was?)  Before I had any clue about what my body, mind, emotions, and very soul was about to go through as I made the transition from girl to mother.

With the new year starting, my Facebook and Pinterest feeds have flooded with New Year's Resolutions.  As we stand on the edge of fresh beginnings and new horizons we find ourselves intoxicated with the sense of possibilities and a surge of good intentions.

Right about now you're probably starting to realize that running 30 minutes every morning before work may not be 100% realistic... and you're convincing yourself that your "no more soda EVER" resolution was really more of a guideline than an actual rule.

Coming down off the high of New Year's resolutions is expected.  (Besides- we have all year long to get back "on-track" right?) We've spent the last month reminescing, gorging, and justifying in the anticipation of this "fresh start".  It makes sense that we would set some unrealistic expectations.

But as women- we tend to be pros as setting unrealistic expectations. (...uhhh does the word "PINTEREST" mean anything to anyone?)  I am GUILTY!  For many of us- we spend a good part of our lives anticipating some of the sweetest milestones life has to offer; mainly marriage and motherhood.  If you think about how much we can build ourselves up before making our New Year's resolutions each year- it may give you a better idea how so many of us find ourselves looking up from a pit of unrealistic expectations when we finally reach those momentous events.  And the worst part: We dug ourselves into that pit ourselves.

I was no exception.  Along with the typical list of wants, hopes, dreams, and expectations for my life as a parent- I also had a pretty extensive lists of "I will NEVER"'s.  As an oldest child, teacher, and experienced babysitter- I felt like I had seen my fair share of "non-examples" and I was pretty sure there were some things that, when I became a mother myself, I would NEVER do.

But then I had a baby.

And then I had another one.

And then I realized...

1.) "I will never co-sleep with my baby."

Oh dear. I can already feel the evil glares pointed my way across the internet.
If you Google "co-sleeping dangers" (DON'T) you would be with me on putting this on my list of "NEVER"'s.  However...  you'd be surprised what measures you would take after only a few brief hours of cat-napping on the floor beneath your child's swing before they woke up and realized once again that no one is holding them and this is unacceptable.

I've come to accept that co-sleeping is an incredibly PERSONAL decision.  I've discovered that it can be an amazing aide in making sure my baby and I both get enough sleep to function, and it encourages breast-feeding when I might otherwise be inclined to cozy-up under the blankets while Daddy fixed a bottle.  It eases my mind when I can simply look over and see that my child is well and breathing rather than causing me to dash across the house and check in the crib when my "something is wrong!" mother-instincts kick in.

While co-sleeping is a personal decision, it needs to be an informed one.  There are a lot of things to consider.  For instance- you should NEVER co-sleep if you are drunk or under medication that would not allow you to wake-up easily.  You should refrain from extra-soft bedding such as large fluffy/heavy feather comforters, or multiple coverings/pillows.  (Less is more when co-sleeping)
You should be aware of bed placement and make sure the bed isn't pushed against a wall where the baby could slip down and get stuck.  You also need to consider your personal sleeping style.  If you (or your partner) tend to be a heavy sleeper or thrash around a lot, you may want to consider an option other than co-sleeping.

Co-sleepers are also a great option.  I made sure to research SAFE co-sleeping and for me- it was a surprisingly amazing option.  Albeit something I thought I would never do.

{Image Credit: Here}

2.) "I will never keep my baby in the carseat."

After horror-stories of dented heads and obese children with minimal emotional attachment I vowed I would never be one of "those moms" that kept her baby in the carseat carrier.  I used to look at mothers who toted their children to church in their carseats and think "How can they do that to their baby? He/she is getting so little stimulation! The poor little thing is trapped in its seat! How hard would it be for the mom or dad to just hold their baby instead of leaving them in the seat on the pew beside them?"

Apparently it would be pretty darn hard actually.  We were pretty great about holding rather than "toting" our oldest son.  The carseat generally stayed in the car unless he was sleeping or if it was a quick trip into the grocery story. But with the addition of a second child- my husband and I found ourselves significantly more stretched.  Balancing a toddler AND a baby means both you and your spouse almost constantly have your hands/laps/arms full.  Not to mention those families that have more than two children... single parents... or parents of multiples!  I seriously do not know how they do it.

Something I hadn't considered was the fact that those times when I see those moms and their carseated-babies, is only a TINY fraction of the time those mothers and spending with their babies.  30 minutes in a carseat once a week is really not going to cause emotional trauma to your child.  I had no idea how much time they spend cuddling, crawling, and exploring with their baby at home.

In addition- while my first son was relatively mellow and content to roll around on the floor or cuddle in my arms, my second son is nothing short of a restless explorer.  He is constantly pulling on things, sticking things in his mouth... you know the typical baby stuff.  At home we can baby-proof, shut doors, etc... outside of our house is a different story.  Sometimes I just don't have the energy to chase after my mobile minion and the carseat provides an incredible relief as a safe-alternative to running myself ragged.

So I've pretty much stuck with the new mindset of if he's happy- let him be. This doesn't mean I wait until he's screaming before I take him out, in fact I still think I'm pretty good about keeping him liberated from his carseat... but I'm not as high-and-mighty about it.

And I certainly don't judge other moms so quickly when they have a contained little-one in tow.

{Image Credit: Here}

3.) "I will never give my child something just because he cries for it."

Yeah... this isn't one I'm proud of.

It's really important to me that I don't raise whiny entitled children... but it's also really important that I don't have a nervous breakdown because my eardrums just shattered into a million tiny pieces.

We encourage using our words to explain what we want and how we feel instead of crying (whining) when we want something.   And I give myself a big pat on the back for having a toddler that usually does pretty darn good at it too.  But as anyone who has ever had a toddler knows- sometimes logic is the joke of the day.

Choose your battles mama.

If I'm sick, if I'm tired, or if I'm just having a really lazy day- sometimes I do myself a favor and spare the house from the 30-minute compromise of "You need to tell me what you want so I can help you" and I resort to the guessing game. (Note: this can often back-fire and turn into a HUGE mess so always proceed with caution.)

"Do you want juice?"
NO! (Angry)

"Do you want cheese?"
No! (Frustrated but happy you are recognizing their unhappiness)

"Do you want bread?"
Noooooo.... (Still crying but open to negotiation)

"Do you want toasted bread?"
Yes. (Still sniffling)

"Ok here is some bread- lets toast it"
NOOOO!!!! (freak-out mode activated)

"Do you want this? Do you just want the bread?"
Yes. (Sniffling but relieved.)

"Ok here you go."
Thank you mommy.  (Smile- note crocodile tears still streaming down face.)

Once the bread is gone and he starts whimpering again- you better bet I go straight for the bread bag and hand him another slice.  Sometimes... it's in everyone's best interest.

{Image Credit: Here}

4.) "I will never feed my child unhealthy food."

Cue laughter.

oh dear....  I really have nothing to say in my defense.  Graham crackers will be my undoing.

And those darn cookies.

{Image Credit: Here}

5.) "I will never ignore my child when they are crying."

No decent mother wants her child to cry.  We just don't.  It hurts our hearts. When my baby cries it's like every bone in my body starts screaming for me to DO SOMETHING!  That's why if someone were to have told me 5 years ago that I would occasionally ignore my child when they were crying I would have voted for them to be sent to the looney-bin.

But if I'm being honest... there come some moments in every mother's life where she needs five seconds.  And if you aren't a mother you may not realize how literally I mean that.

FIVE. SECONDS.

Time to yourself- without responsibility- is now a fantasy.  It's like when people say you have a piece of your heart living outside your body.  It's true.  I don't know if I'll ever be 100% worry free EVER again.  Even when my sons are grown with children of their own I'm sure I'll still wake up sometimes in the night and wonder where they are. (Maybe not... but it's seriously hard to imagine right now.)

This post has taken me almost a month to write- and I still won't get a chance to proof-read it because THAT is how precious time is when you've got little ones.

I remember a time after I had my first son when I was feeling particularly overwhelmed.  I felt like he was constantly crying, never sleeping, and always needing me.  I found myself becoming emotionally dramatic- crying, feeling so tired and angry.  That anger was like a red flag.  I certainly wasn't angry at my baby ( I wasn't angry *at* anything really) but I knew I needed to calm down.

A woman who came to bring a dinner (...yes I was having dinners delivered to me and still managed to get super overwhelmed- it happens.) saw how I was feeling and gave me some of the best mother advice I ever received.

Sometimes babies just cry.

This isn't exactly true... we all know that babies cry for a reason.  Either their hungry, tired, cold, uncomfortable, poopy, etc...

But what she continued to explain was that after you've exhausted all the options you can think of- once you've rocked, swaddled, fed, changed, rocked swaddled, burped, checked their toes twice for hairs, and fed, rocked, and swaddled again... sometimes you just need to set them down safe in their crib, shut the door, and take five seconds.

literally five seconds.

Enough time for some deep breaths.  Some visualizing.  A reset.

It's something I never thought I'd do.  It's something I never thought I'd need.


But mamas are human too.

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And that's ok.
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Mom's Point of View on Potty Training

Hi my name is Terri and I am a mom of 4 that home-schools. My friend Jenny contacted me on Facebook to ask me if I would do a post on potty training for the To Each Their Own blog. I told her sure, but then I started thinking: how will I go about picking a potty training topic. There are soooo many ways to write about potty training. There are the horror stories, tips and tricks, old wives tales...the list goes on and on. There really is an endless supply of potty how-to material out there. There are also many reasons why we as parents start potty training. Either a new little one is to be born, preschool says your kid can't go there if they are not potty trained, pressure from loved ones, etc. I am going to give a quick overview of my experiences potty training my four kiddos and touch on a few different things mentioned above.

Child #1 the only little girl. Our little princess who will soon be turning 10 was 2 years old when we started potty training her. Hard to believe that it has been that long ago when our sneaky little girl would hide behind a curtain or chair to poop. Our reason for starting with her was we were preggo with child #2 and I did not want two in diapers. That was how I felt at that time anyway...Feelings change they really do! We were given some of those thick training underwear and plastic ones to use on her. Those plastic ones do not keep the pee from leaking out down their legs. They just do not work...or at least the ones I was given didn't work. Over all, child #1 was pretty easy to train. Sure she would sometimes sneak off and poo in a secret spot but she usually went on her Dora potty seat on the big potty. It took about a month for her to potty train and she was potty trained before #2 came along.

Child #2 my first boy and my sweetest child. He is now 7 years old. Oh my there are so many things that drove me crazy with this kid. I love him to death but he was so stubborn. He was about 3 ½ before he potty trained. He pushed every button I had when potty training. They say boys are the hardest to train...yes this boy was making me believe that saying. The reason I started with him was because I was getting pressured by other moms to do it. He was in preschool just before he turned 3. Other moms would say how they potty trained their kids because they were told they had to or their child would not be allowed to go to preschool. I was never told that by my child's teacher but it made me feel guilty so I took him out of preschool and decided to teach him at home and also started potty training. Please moms never let other moms make you feel that way about your child. You do what is best for them because you really do know what is best even if the world does not agree. Once I showed him what was in his diaper a few times, he decided that he didn't want poo stuck to his butt and he did really well.

Child #3 my second little boy was so easy to potty train. He is now 4 years old. It kinda floored me how easy he was. I did not start potty training because child number #4 was on the way and I did not potty train him because others wanted me to. It was just time and I wanted him to do it. I have now had 2 in diapers twice. Child #2 and #3 were in diapers at the same time and child #3 and #4 were in diapers together. I had given up the I need to not ever have 2 in diapers at the same time mentality. It was just not going to happen. I had all of them 3 years apart except for the last 2 because they are about 21 months apart. I didn't space them out like that on purpose either (but that is another story.) Child #3 was such a breeze. He was almost 3 years old. I decided to put him on the potty while he screamed at me that he did not want to go. I did that all week long with him fussing and fighting me. I do give out rewards...with him it was M&Ms that did the trick. He stopped fighting me by day 6 and he was telling me that he had to potty. From that day on he was potty trained! Yes it was that easy. I guess with some kids it just clicks.

Child #4 my last baby boy. Yes he is 2 ½ now but he will always be my baby. Well, they will all always be called my babies. Anyway, I had no intentions of starting with him any time soon. I was fine with changing one kid's diaper and wasn't really wanting to train him yet. I was told by my mother-in-law that another grandchild who was younger was going to the potty. I told her that he was my son and I would potty train him when we were both ready. So one weekend my mom had my kids and when we go to pick them up my mom tells me that child #4 was going on the potty for her. I was shocked! The little booger wouldn't go for me. He even gave me the excuse the next day when I asked him to potty that he would only go for his Nanny. I told him “no way boy I know you can potty so get on that potty.” He actually went for me and just started going from then on. Sure he still had accidents and still wears a pull up at night just to be safe but the boy is sure enough potty trained thanks to my mom for starting it for me.

[Child 2,1, and 4 now]

So there you have my adventures in potty training. I have learned that every child is different and they will go potty when they want to. Never feel like you are failing when you potty train. I have some horror stories I could share but that is not the route I wanted to take with the post. I wanted you to see how different each child is, to know the truth behind girls potty training faster is not always true and to never let someone make you ever feel like you need to potty train your child. You are their parent and really truly you do know what is best.

[Me and Child #3]

I want to thank To Each Their Own for letting me do a guest post for them.

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We Thank Terri for sharing her awesome insights/experiences on potty training for our guest post this week!  To read more from Terri, check out her blog "Mom's Point of View" at http://mompointofview.com/ !

Potty Training Pain

My first Daughter decided one day she wanted to potty train, and three days later she was done. Even through the night, she very rarely wet herself. Like once every six months rarely. It was amazing. How did I do it? I have no idea. She's just one of those awesome kids that pretty much potty trains themselves.

My second daughter is still young enough that she has interest, but isn't ready to actually potty train. My most helpful advice is: Wait until they are ready! I tried to get my oldest to do it a few times, it always ended badly. But once she decided it was her idea, it was easier than I could have ever imagined.

Seriously, you can't force your child into it. It won't end well for either of you. They will be screaming, you'll want to sneak into your closet with a chocolate bar and have a good cry yourself. It's just no fun. If there's one thing pretty much all kids are, it's stubborn. Therefore, I don't have anything that I can guarantee will work for you. But, here are a few things that seemed to help us:

1- Let your Child watch you use the restroom. It will make it seem cool and totally normal. Put a baby potty in there so they can sit on it while you use the big potty.

2- Let them pick out their own underwear. My daughter loved that, and tried really hard not to get her new princess panties messy.

3- Act like it's a huge deal. I mean HUGE. Like you just won the lottery big. When my daughter went in the potty I would clap, tell her what a good girl she was and dance around with her yelling "YAY!" It made her want to do it again.

4- Accidents happen. Don't shame them for it, they'll probably be upset enough as it is. Just tell them it's ok, it happens to everyone and eventually they won't have accidents anymore.

5- It's ok to give up and try again later. Kids may be interested but not totally ready. Don't compare your child to others. They all get there eventually. :)

Poop. There it is!

Freedom is a wonderful thing. The first time I felt true freedom was on a glorious day in the summer of 1996. I had just passed my driver’s license test and later that day, remember driving around in beautiful, sunny California, windows down, the wind blowing through my hair, while belting out the lyrics to the ever-so-popular Tag Team’s “Whoop...there it is”! Fast forward 17 years…my definition of freedom has slightly been altered. While I still love carelessly belting some of my fave songs of the 90’s, becoming a mom has changed up life’s lyrics a bit and I have become someone who now gets excited over shall we say, some of life’s simplest pleasures. Like, the first day my child “cooed”, or smiled, or gave me wet, sloppy kiss and of course, when she successfully used the potty.

It might sound silly to some, but for me, potty training is just another one of those laborious battles of parenthood, a battle that my little sweet pea and I have fought long and hard to overcome. And like my predecessor mamas who have bravely endured and successfully fought this battle, we can all harmoniously nod our heads in agreement that nothing smells sweeter than joining one other in a diaper-free utopia.

For those of you who have yet to embark upon this delightful adventure or who are perhaps struggling with it still, I say unto you all: There is hope, there IS light at the end of the tunnel and by golly, if you haven’t seen the potty-training light yet, there is always a new day called tomorrow.  And while I am no potty-training Yoda, I do have a few potty training tips from my Jedi-mama-in-potty-training days:

1) Be prepared for the worst… or the best. Whatever you think potty training may be, it’s probably not. It might be easy for you and your child or it might be rocket-science difficult. Mental and physical preparation is the key. Be prepared for your child to pee (or the alternative) in the middle of the day or night, maybe on the floor, in their undies, in their beds, etc., until they get it right. Be prepared with how you will react to it, too (it can be upsetting for the little ones when they make mistakes and they need to feel support). Like any new skill we are trying to teach or learn, practice makes perfect and preparation prior to that practice can make all the difference in alleviating more stress.

2)  A bribe (or two) is ok. I can almost see and hear moms giving me a look of horror and tsk-tsk-tsking at the word “bribe”. Some of you may call it “incentive”. I like to think of it as positive reinforcement. I’d be lying if I said I only “bribed” my child once or twice to get her to use the potty. Hey, I’m teaching creative negotiating 101 over here.  Am I guilty of encouraging an early chocolate or sticker addiction? Perhaps…but in the end, whether it’s the M&Ms or a sticker incentive, I definitely believe that rewarding my child and using positive reinforcement for good behavior and actions, like potty training, is ok in my book. Most importantly though, find out what works best for you and your child and use it.

3) The early bird doesn’t always get the worm. I don’t know why some of us feel the need to have “that” child. You know, the one who reads first, uses the potty first, the child who never ever has a tantrum, who eats all of his/her food at the dinner table, the child who has to be the “best”, etc.. Some of us feel the need  to rush our children to grow up fast and be ready for tasks that they might just not be ready for. Truth-be-told, I realized that no matter how much prodding, my daughter was ready when she was ready (what a novel idea)! For example, we started potty-training Mini-me when she was 18 months old, took a break, re-started, took another break, re-started and just when I wondered if there would ever be a day when she would be fully potty-trained, that wonderful, glorious day came. She was ready…and was a little over 2 ½ years old. And I was thrilled.

 4) Entertain them and learn to laugh about it. Ok, I have a confession. My home can sometimes be like a rock concert or like an episode of Glee. BBH and I are like wannabe rock/rap stars in our house. We are known for turning our normal conversations with each other or with our children into full-fledged musicals or raps. Odd, you say? I am telling you: It works. I don’t know if our daughters think we’re nuts, but they will stop whining about having to go to the potty, quit squirming though a diaper change and just stare at us and laugh. This comical havoc sidetracks them long enough to re-motivate the potty training or re-direct them to anything you want them to do. Aside from accepting the fact that we must look like utter lunatics, we’ve learned that being entertaining and learning to laugh about potty-training and other things in life, makes a house truly a home sweet home.

5) Relax and make peace with it. I think one of the hardest things for me, especially in the early stages of training my oldest daughter, was how easy it was to get caught up in the mind-set of “well, so-in-so’s child was potty-trained at 18 months, what are we doing wrong?” The valuable lesson I learned here? When I turned the focus away from my sweet daughter and focused on the negative or on others, I began to compare myself and mini-me and not appreciate where she came from and all of the progress she and I had made along the way. Taking a mommy time-out to relax, breathe, and re-assess the potty-training situation can really help remember these things.

All-in-all (and like their mama), my daughters dance to the beat of their own drum.  My job as their mom is to help them make sense of the notes, make some music, and dance along with them. And when your potty training battle is looking kind of poopy, take a deep breath, have a good laugh, pop an M&M, and just remember Tag Team’s song…There's a party over here, a party over there, wave your hands in the air, Shake your deriere! These three words when you're gettin' busy: POOP- there it is!

1,2,3,4.....keep your poo off the floor!

I have four "don'ts of potty training" that I wanted to share. I'm sure you've heard some of these before, but just like in the scriptures. God tells us the same story multiple times, by different people, because, well.....we just don't get it the first time. Also, you'll hear these things from more than one person, because, well.....its truth.

#1. Don’t rush it. Diapers are expensive, but cheaper than a trip to the therapist.

My first pregnancy was twins. When they were 19 ½ months old I had our third child. Yes. That is three “babies” under the age of 2 years and they were ALL in diapers. Every time I changed one diaper I ended up changing ALL of their diapers. I always had an assembly line. Everyone who had the opportunity to see would laugh. I had a system. It was great. I wish I had a picture to share with you of my diaper storage system. All three babies were in three different sizes. I used a bottom shelf in our pantry that stored all the diapers. I had three black bins (perfectly sized for a package of diapers) side by side with each diaper size, plus one that had the creams and wipes. I rocked out that diaper organization. With three in diapers.....I had too!

The twins are now 3 ½ years old and our youngest will be 2 years old in August. Our 3 ½ year old son is FINALLY potty trained, however, his twin sister refuses and our almost 2 year old is still in diapers....and I'm expecting another baby at the end of January (insert picture of crazy lady).

Before our youngest was born I contemplated potty training the twins, but there was no way I could potty train them while I was 7 or 8 months pregnant. So to preserve my sanity I didn’t push the issue. Remember, diapers are cheaper than a trip to the spa or a therapist…plus, they just weren’t ready. Kids really and truly have to be ready to potty train or it just won’t work. So relax. It will happen.

#2. Don’t try potty training in a certain time frame. Can you break a habit in three days?

I don’t know about you, but I bit my nails as a child and continued to do so until I was 18 yrs old. It took me a month to finally quit. Have you ever tried to break a habit? How long did it take you? Children will grasp the idea of using the potty in about three days, but they will have MANY accidents and won’t master their new skill in three days. And if they do, well, you have my permission to call them a child prodigy.

#3. Don’t berate your child for having an accident. Children thrive on encouragement. This needs to be a positive experience so they will actually WANT to use the potty.

Would you want to try something new if someone was yelling at you every time you failed at it?

#4. Don’t give in to peer pressure or judgments from family, friends….or yourself!

This is the one thing that I personally struggled with the most. I am a very self-conscious parent anyways so I am constantly comparing myself to other moms and how amazing they are. Also, friends and family always have advice to share whether welcomed or unwelcomed and while they mean well it can sometimes come across as being judgmental….or at least we can take it that way and end up being really hard on ourselves.  I always feel that if my kids aren’t able to do something yet that it’s my fault and I have somehow failed them. Well, I know I’m not the only parent out there that feels like this and I have one thing to say to you. Stop it. Stop it right now. This is about your child. Not you.

I hope my perspective will empower some moms and also help you to remember that you are not alone and many have done this before and you can do it too!

Also, this will be my last post for To Each Their Own. Bianca will be coming back next week! Hopefully I will be able to guest post again in the future! This has been a wonderful experience for me and I am grateful that I was asked to participate on this blog for a few weeks. Thank you all for the feedback and comments!

5 "Must Haves" When Potty Training

I’ve potty trained one boy and am in the midst of potty training another. They are taking two entirely different approaches (one was completely self-motivated, the other has needed a million M&Ms + a fire truck sticker chart as motivation). However, I’ve found that the following five things are necessary when it’s time to get down to business regardless of what playbook you are using:

1. Sani Wipes- Look I am pretty much a cheap, “all natural” type of girl (vinegar, water, and spray bottle), but when it comes to potty training, especially little boys, buy the Sani Wipes in bulk (heck, you should probably buy stock in Sani Wipes). You won’t regret it.

2. Stool- Not only does your wee one need to reach the sink to wash his/her hands, but I have found that I need somewhere to sit while waiting and waiting and waiting for the Littles to do their thing. Also, my kids have a hard time learning to poop on the toilet without being able to push their feet against something (we use a seat that sits on top of our toilet). So, when it’s time for #2 I get my lazy bum off the stool and slide it under their feet. Counter pressure does wonders.

3. Elastic Pants- Zippers? Snaps? Buttons? No way. Speed is everything when potty training. Stick with elastic easy on/easy off bottoms

4. Hand Sanitizer- duh.

5. Flushable Wipes (or if you’re lucky like me and your toilet handles it, regular baby wipes)- The first few weeks of constant toileting those bums still need soft wipes! They've never been exposed to coarse toilet paper, so without the usage of wipes things get a little red. Happy bum = happy toddler = happy mom.

Good luck! 

Out of The Poop Loop

They say write what you know.

So this week- with the topic of “potty training”, I was really tempted to not write at all.  I sincerely thought about seeing if I could find someone to fill-in for me with a guest post.   Surely there are a bajillion moms better qualified than my novice self.  Good experiences, bad experiences, ANY experience has to be better than NO experience. Right?

I mean aside from being a successful toilet-user myself, I have absolutely zero potty-training experience.

Of course I've seen the pins on Pinterest.  I've skimmed through “From Diapers to Undies in Under a Week” articles.  I've seen the plastic potties and child-sized toilet seats in my friend’s bathrooms.  I've heard legends of sticker charts and all kinds of bribes incentives from dolls to dump trucks. But when it comes to the real deal, I’m a deer in the headlights.

You mean one day my sons will need to use the bathroom instead of their pants?  And you mean that I, as their mother, have a responsibility to make sure they eventually cross that threshold?  ….uhhhhhh

But after some encouraging words from one of my fellow TETO authors, here I am to put a voice to all the mamas out there who have yet to “slay the beast” of potty-training. 

[Base Image Credit: http://th02.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/f/2011/162/b/e/dragon_slaying____by_pixelcharlie-d3in4jm.jpg]

Fact of the matter is- “Opinions are like…” well they are like something that everyone has.  And everyone has an opinion on potty training- whether they realize it or not.  With all the "do's" and "don'ts" the process can be really intimidating.  Add that to the fact that some children (like your sister in law's) potty-train instantly, other children (like yours) seem content to crouch around in a pull-up cave-man-style surviving off Cheetos they found under the couch and ignoring the perfectly good incentive-snacks/stickers/underwear etc... you bought specifically for this purpose. 

And you're bound to feel like you're doing something wrong.  Even if that something is simply birthing a child who is happy to urinate anywhere OTHER than the perfectly good toilet you scrubbed extra well just for this special occasion. (And in the occasion that company may come over and you need something to distract them from the patches of hair missing all over your head so that they think you haven't completely lost it.)

[Disclaimer!!!  While I may or may not have discarded Cheetos under my couch- these events are NOT based on actual events...at my house...yet.  Except maybe the toilet.  Wait... no. Don't look at my toilet. ]

It seems like successfully getting your child to go to the bathroom consistently when/where they are supposed to is almost like a rite of passage into full-fledged motherhood.  When your little one is in diapers, you have a baby.  When they are in undies- you have a child.  And somehow that is a completely different ball game.  It means your “baby”  is now old enough to be aware of their own bodily functions.  That means they can communicate, they can make choices, and to the bittersweet realization of their mothers- they are slowly growing up.

It seems ironic to me that “motherhood” really begins with the first sign that your child’s dependence on you is ending.

Last month, my oldest son, Graham turned two.  Throughout my pregnancy with my younger son (Xander, one month now!) Graham started showing more and more interest with the potty.  He began associating us going into the bathroom with using the toilet, and what we did in the toilet with what he did in his diaper. 

There were even a few golden moments when Brandon held our bare-bummed-babe up to the toilet so Graham could tinkle big-boy style.  Graham has started telling us when his diaper is dirty, or if he’s going to the bathroom.  I read somewhere (probably on pinterest) that making potty-going a social event will make eventual potty-training easier.  So that’s what we do.  If he starts making a face like he’s trying to go to the bathroom we ask him.  If he says yes we hold him and comfort him and tell him to push.  That probably seems really weird, but I’m not really concerned with what other people think is “weird”.   I’m concerned that when we finally decide it’s “go” time and start the potty training process- that Graham will be as comfortable as someone being watched as they go to the bathroom can be. 

Now… while I’m making all these grand plans for the future- our present situation begs attention.  They say not to attempt potty training immediately before, during, or after a big change.  So far this summer Graham has experienced both a move and becoming an older brother.  I’d say those are pretty “big” changes for a toddler.  (…or for anyone!)  So- we will not be attempting potty training this summer.

I was somewhat disappointed in this decision.  He seemed so enthusiastic! But- as Graham sees me changing Xander’s diaper and he brings me the diaper changing supplies and lays down next to his baby brother for his turn- I feel incredibly validated in our choice.  Any potty training we would have accomplished would surely have been set-back by the need for Graham to feel he is receiving the same (or more) attention as the baby; or by the fact that we are just completely exhausted and do not have the energy needed to really dedicate ourselves to the potty-training process. 

It will happen eventually.  And while I will be happy to wave goodbye to those stinky bundles of wadded-up poo… I will miss being able to make it through and entire Target run without having to worry about whether anyone other than myself has to go potty. 

Once again I find myself enjoying the moment and not wishing my time with my babies away.  The grass is always greener… but my grass is still pretty green.  

Pea-soup colored diaper green. 

Every Party Has a Pooper

I want to preface this post by saying that I actually really do enjoy being a mother. I also, believe it or not, am a pretty happy person...usually. No, really. I don't scare children walking down side walks. I don't drown any kittens (admittedly, I will make life miserable and eventually non existent for any cockroach that dares to enter my domain or a twenty-foot radius thereof). I smile. I sing. I appreciate a good rainbow. Please keep that in mind while you read this post, which happens to be on one of my least favorite aspects of parenting...potty training.

I detest potty training. I believe that, if Dante had ever potty trained a toddler, there would be ten levels of hell in "Divine Comedy".  Yes, I think it's that bad.

Potty training is one of those things in parenting that has a million books about it, a million different theories and methods, a million "fool-proof" ways to make it happen overnight, while you sleep. Do you know what I would say, if I wrote a book about potty training? It would be really simple. "Stop wasting your time reading this book and just go ahead and accept the fact that there is nothing that I, or anyone else, can say to save help you. Nothing works, except what works. The end."

This would save everyone a lot of time and valuable Barnes & Noble money. Seriously. Everyone within the sound of my voice, step away from the potty training books and go buy yourself a nice vampire romance novel.

Now please don't think that I am saying that potty training is going to be awful and torturous no matter what you do. I mean, it's a very good possibility, but not an absolute. There are some people who have really good experiences with potty training. Some kids really do care about aiming for a cheerio in the toilet. Some kids really do drink twenty-six sippy cups of water in an hour and pee three times and it just sinks in. Some kids really do just wake up and say, "I am now mature enough to handle my bladder and bowel emptying methods. Please give me a M&M and let's call it a day." Some kids really are so impressed with the Mickey Mouse in green suspenders on their new underwear that they instantly will sacrifice life, limb and the convenience of peeing wherever they are at the time, just to don them. Some kids really are easy to potty train. I even had one.

Then there are the other kids, and I believe most kids, who don't give an ats rass about potty training. They are not impressed with the cheerios. They are terrified of sitting on the potty and Mickey Mouse is cute and all, but he is lousy at keeping pee off of legs.

Honestly, who can blame them? Changing your potty habits is a hard thing to do. After number four was born, my epidural wouldn't wear off. I couldn't walk and thus, couldn't get up to empty my bladder. This is a problem after delivery because your uterus needs to contract and clamp down to control your bleeding. If you bladder is super full and pushing against it, this process is inhibited. Peeing? It's a big deal. So in an attempt to avoid another catheter, the nurse brought me a bed pan. I sat on the edge of the bed on the bed pan for about thirty minutes. We stuck my fingers in water, put ice on my feet, talked about waterfalls...everything. But 20+ years of telling your body not to pee anywhere but a toilet is a hard thing to undo. So I feel pretty sure that the reverse is true as well. For their whole lives, they've been able to do their business wherever and whenever they want, without thought. Now you are asking a two to three-year-old to stop what they're doing, think about things and decide that it is better to go sit on a hard, cold seat to pee, rather than do it right where they are, as they always have. I mean, if you are sitting comfortably on the couch, and your husband offers to grab you a drink, do you really say, "No, no. I would like to get up and miss 'The Bachelor' so I can go get my own drink."? Humans gravitate toward convenience. Diapers are convenient.

When people ask me about potty training, I give them the only advice that I find useful (you may find it useless). Here it is:

First, don't try too early. Seriously, I know potty training feels like a right of passage and we are all eager to get out of diapers but trust me when I say that changing a diaper is about seven thousand times more pleasant than cleaning out dirty underwear. Before you start, seriously consider whether or not your child is really ready, or if you just want them to be ready. Just because your eighteen-month-old pointed to the toilet and grunted, does not mean he/she is ready to potty train. Don't rush it. It's not a race. If your child is potty trained before Kindergarten, you're doing fine.

Second, do what works for you. If pull ups are your game, and it's working, stick with it. If the kid likes to pee in a small child potty in the living room, and it's working, more power to you. Most importantly, if nothing is working for you, and it's just really, really hard...that is normal. It's okay mama. You aren't doing anything wrong. Sometimes it's just hard. Some kids take months to potty train. Some take years to be really consistent. It is OKAY.

Third, keep chocolate on hand. Not for your kids, that's the dumbest thing I've ever read, that whole M&M theory. I think a kid wrote that book. (Please note, if this method works or has worked for you...cool. Stick with it.) In my experience, it results in a lot of chocolate being eaten and very little pottying. So the chocolate is not for the kids, it's for you. When you feel like banging your head against the wall, eat some chocolate. This method might not help potty training, but I promise it has saved lives.

Lastly, be patient. Potty training can be a long process and it all depends on the child. One of my kids potty trained in two days and had two total accidents. One of my kids potty trained in a week. One of my kids took six weeks and one took six months. It really is a new experience each time. Don't let yourself get hung up on how it's "supposed" to go. If your first was really hard to train, don't think that means that your second experience will be equally taxing. If your sister's child trained overnight, don't think that means that there is something wrong with you or your child if they take longer. Be patient with yourself. Be patient with your child. Eat your chocolate. Breathe. Repeat.


"May the odds be ever in your favor."