^That picture was taken before I had kids. (See how cool I was?) Before I had any clue about what my body, mind, emotions, and very soul was about to go through as I made the transition from girl to mother.
With the new year starting, my Facebook and Pinterest feeds have flooded with New Year's Resolutions. As we stand on the edge of fresh beginnings and new horizons we find ourselves intoxicated with the sense of possibilities and a surge of good intentions.
Right about now you're probably starting to realize that running 30 minutes every morning before work may not be 100% realistic... and you're convincing yourself that your "no more soda EVER" resolution was really more of a guideline than an actual rule.
Coming down off the high of New Year's resolutions is expected. (Besides- we have all year long to get back "on-track" right?) We've spent the last month reminescing, gorging, and justifying in the anticipation of this "fresh start". It makes sense that we would set some unrealistic expectations.
But as women- we tend to be pros as setting unrealistic expectations. (...uhhh does the word "PINTEREST" mean anything to anyone?) I am GUILTY! For many of us- we spend a good part of our lives anticipating some of the sweetest milestones life has to offer; mainly marriage and motherhood. If you think about how much we can build ourselves up before making our New Year's resolutions each year- it may give you a better idea how so many of us find ourselves looking up from a pit of unrealistic expectations when we finally reach those momentous events. And the worst part: We dug ourselves into that pit ourselves.
I was no exception. Along with the typical list of wants, hopes, dreams, and expectations for my life as a parent- I also had a pretty extensive lists of "I will NEVER"'s. As an oldest child, teacher, and experienced babysitter- I felt like I had seen my fair share of "non-examples" and I was pretty sure there were some things that, when I became a mother myself, I would NEVER do.
But then I had a baby.
And then I had another one.
And then I realized...
1.) "I will never co-sleep with my baby."
Oh dear. I can already feel the evil glares pointed my way across the internet.
If you Google "co-sleeping dangers" (DON'T) you would be with me on putting this on my list of "NEVER"'s. However... you'd be surprised what measures you would take after only a few brief hours of cat-napping on the floor beneath your child's swing before they woke up and realized once again that no one is holding them and this is unacceptable.
I've come to accept that co-sleeping is an incredibly PERSONAL decision. I've discovered that it can be an amazing aide in making sure my baby and I both get enough sleep to function, and it encourages breast-feeding when I might otherwise be inclined to cozy-up under the blankets while Daddy fixed a bottle. It eases my mind when I can simply look over and see that my child is well and breathing rather than causing me to dash across the house and check in the crib when my "something is wrong!" mother-instincts kick in.
While co-sleeping is a personal decision,
it needs to be an informed one. There are a lot of things to consider. For instance- you should NEVER co-sleep if you are drunk or under medication that would not allow you to wake-up easily. You should refrain from extra-soft bedding such as large fluffy/heavy feather comforters, or multiple coverings/pillows. (Less is more when co-sleeping)
You should be aware of bed placement and make sure the bed isn't pushed against a wall where the baby could slip down and get stuck. You also need to consider your personal sleeping style. If you (or your partner) tend to be a heavy sleeper or thrash around a lot, you may want to consider an option other than co-sleeping.
Co-sleepers are also a great option. I made sure to research SAFE co-sleeping and for me- it was a surprisingly amazing option. Albeit something I
thought I would never do.
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| {Image Credit: Here} |
2.) "I will never keep my baby in the carseat."
After horror-stories of dented heads and obese children with minimal emotional attachment I vowed I would never be one of "those moms" that kept her baby in the carseat carrier. I used to look at mothers who toted their children to church in their carseats and think "How can they do that to their baby? He/she is getting so little stimulation! The poor little thing is trapped in its seat! How hard would it be for the mom or dad to just hold their baby instead of leaving them in the seat on the pew beside them?"
Apparently it would be pretty darn hard actually. We were pretty great about holding rather than "toting" our oldest son. The carseat generally stayed in the car unless he was sleeping or if it was a quick trip into the grocery story. But with the addition of a second child- my husband and I found ourselves significantly more stretched. Balancing a toddler AND a baby means both you and your spouse almost constantly have your hands/laps/arms full. Not to mention those families that have more than two children... single parents... or parents of multiples! I seriously do not know how they do it.
Something I hadn't considered was the fact that those times when I see those moms and their carseated-babies, is only a TINY fraction of the time those mothers and spending with their babies. 30 minutes in a carseat once a week is really not going to cause emotional trauma to your child. I had no idea how much time they spend cuddling, crawling, and exploring with their baby at home.
In addition- while my first son was relatively mellow and content to roll around on the floor or cuddle in my arms, my second son is nothing short of a restless explorer. He is constantly pulling on things, sticking things in his mouth... you know the typical baby stuff. At home we can baby-proof, shut doors, etc... outside of our house is a different story. Sometimes I just don't have the energy to chase after my mobile minion and the carseat provides an incredible relief as a safe-alternative to running myself ragged.
So I've pretty much stuck with the new mindset of if he's happy- let him be. This doesn't mean I wait until he's screaming before I take him out, in fact I still think I'm pretty good about keeping him liberated from his carseat... but I'm not as high-and-mighty about it.
And I certainly don't judge other moms so quickly when they have a contained little-one in tow.
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| {Image Credit: Here} |
3.) "I will never give my child something just because he cries for it."
Yeah... this isn't one I'm proud of.
It's really important to me that I don't raise whiny entitled children... but it's also really important that I don't have a nervous breakdown because my eardrums just shattered into a million tiny pieces.
We encourage using our words to explain what we want and how we feel instead of crying (whining) when we want something. And I give myself a big pat on the back for having a toddler that usually does pretty darn good at it too. But as anyone who has ever had a toddler knows- sometimes logic is the joke of the day.
Choose your battles mama.
If I'm sick, if I'm tired, or if I'm just having a really lazy day- sometimes I do myself a favor and spare the house from the 30-minute compromise of "You need to tell me what you want so I can help you" and I resort to the guessing game. (Note: this can often back-fire and turn into a HUGE mess so always proceed with caution.)
"Do you want juice?"
NO! (Angry)
"Do you want cheese?"
No! (Frustrated but happy you are recognizing their unhappiness)
"Do you want bread?"
Noooooo.... (Still crying but open to negotiation)
"Do you want toasted bread?"
Yes. (Still sniffling)
"Ok here is some bread- lets toast it"
NOOOO!!!! (freak-out mode activated)
"Do you want this? Do you just want the bread?"
Yes. (Sniffling but relieved.)
"Ok here you go."
Thank you mommy. (Smile- note crocodile tears still streaming down face.)
Once the bread is gone and he starts whimpering again- you better bet I go straight for the bread bag and hand him another slice. Sometimes... it's in everyone's best interest.
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| {Image Credit: Here} |
4.) "I will never feed my child unhealthy food."
Cue laughter.
oh dear.... I really have nothing to say in my defense. Graham crackers will be my undoing.
And those darn cookies.
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| {Image Credit: Here} |
5.) "I will never ignore my child when they are crying."
No decent mother wants her child to cry. We just don't. It hurts our hearts. When my baby cries it's like every bone in my body starts screaming for me to DO SOMETHING! That's why if someone were to have told me 5 years ago that I would occasionally ignore my child when they were crying I would have voted for them to be sent to the looney-bin.
But if I'm being honest... there come some moments in every mother's life where she needs five seconds. And if you aren't a mother you may not realize how literally I mean that.
FIVE. SECONDS.
Time to yourself- without responsibility- is now a fantasy. It's like when people say you have a piece of your heart living outside your body. It's true. I don't know if I'll ever be 100% worry free EVER again. Even when my sons are grown with children of their own I'm sure I'll still wake up sometimes in the night and wonder where they are. (Maybe not... but it's seriously hard to imagine right now.)
This post has taken me almost a month to write- and I still won't get a chance to proof-read it because THAT is how precious time is when you've got little ones.
I remember a time after I had my first son when I was feeling particularly overwhelmed. I felt like he was constantly crying, never sleeping, and always needing me. I found myself becoming emotionally dramatic- crying, feeling so tired and angry. That anger was like a red flag. I certainly wasn't angry at my baby ( I wasn't angry *at* anything really) but I knew I needed to calm down.
A woman who came to bring a dinner (...yes I was having dinners delivered to me and still managed to get super overwhelmed- it happens.) saw how I was feeling and gave me some of the best mother advice I ever received.
Sometimes babies just cry.
This isn't exactly true... we all know that babies cry for a reason. Either their hungry, tired, cold, uncomfortable, poopy, etc...
But what she continued to explain was that after you've exhausted all the options you can think of- once you've rocked, swaddled, fed, changed, rocked swaddled, burped, checked their toes twice for hairs, and fed, rocked, and swaddled again... sometimes you just need to set them down safe in their crib, shut the door, and take five seconds.
literally five seconds.
Enough time for some deep breaths. Some visualizing. A reset.
It's something I never thought I'd do. It's something I never thought I'd need.
But mamas are human too.
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And that's ok.
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