Milestone Monday- Caps and Gowns

I was eighteen and cruising in the car with one of my best friends from high school- Andrea Gill.  Approximately T-2 hours until graduation.  I was wearing the light pink dress I had insisted I "needed" to wear under my cap and gown. (We were supposed to wear white but when Walmart proved unfruitful, light pink was the next best thing.  Because obviously wearing a white shirt and tan skirt or something practical from home that I already owned was not acceptable.)

I was sitting in the front seat painting my nails a light pink while Andrea glanced anxiously down- eyes darting between the bottle of polish in my hand to her car's (then) pristine interior.  I guess the nail painting wasn't entirely necessary, but they needed to match the dress that would ultimately basically remain unseen the two times I wore it (as it was covered by my forest-green graduation robe) and the rest of the time it hung in the back of my closet until it's relocation to Good Will.

In a few minutes my nails were done and we resorted to trying on our caps and dancing while "I'm Bringing Sexy Back" by Justin Timberlake blasted through the car.  Occassionally we'd pass another car full of almost-graduates and we'd laugh and point at each other from beneath our cardboard caps. We thought we were so cool.  We were on top of the world.

I remember high school fondly.  I had an amazing group of friends with similar standards and goals.  It was full of after-school clubs and performances, late nights on AIM, sleepovers with philosophical conversations where we all ultimately agreed and couldn't understand why no one else could see how life was so simple.  We had drama- both the Shakespeare kind and the regular teenage-brand; but the arguments were generally short-lived and our laughter was commonly heard both on and off campus.

Here some of my friends and I sit during lunch in the round concrete courtyard called "The Dogbowl" after our bull dog mascot.  We called this spot "The Wall".  I'm the one rocking the pink skirt and black high-tops.  P.S.  Yes that's an old-school flip-phone, but it isn't mine. I wasn't that cool.

Near the end of my senior year I remember some of my friends becoming anxious and withdrawn as college acceptance letters arrived and the countdown until graduation began.  I didn't understand what the big deal was.  What could possibly change?  These people were my life.  They knew me better than anyone else.

Yeah...that's us.  I'm the super immature one in the back climbing on Lindsey's back.  You can see my pink-shoed leg peeking through the front.  (Pink has never been my favorite color but this blog post sure makes it seem otherwise...lol)  I actually wore those pink converse to graduation- but someone caught me and made me switch with one of the spectators who was wearing white shoes.  I didn't even know the other girl and I had to wear her shoes... it was weird.  Then I had to go to the school the next day to pick up my shoes from one of the girls in choir who agreed to hold them for me.  I guess I drove home barefoot?  That doesn't make sense... I'm sure I was wearing shoes.  Maybe the white shoes belonged to the choir girl and we just traded? Man... it hasn't been long enough for me to forget so much has it?  Also this is way too long for a caption but oh well.

I met graduation warmly and excitedly.  I remember it in tidbits.  Andrea and I got there early because we had to sit in the front- since we were in the choir and would be singing the national anthem.  I graduated with honors- summa cum laude (Not to brag... ok maybe to brag a little.)  It seemed to last forever.  Going first means you get all the fun exciting parts over with right away and you spend the rest of the time clapping and acting happy for all the other people in your graduating class as they stomp across the stage.  Our school had placed little tiny rolls of crepe paper under our seats for us to throw when graduation was over.  I guess they didn't really explain it every well though because half the people had thrown their crepe paper before graduation was even officially over.  My friend Jeff was valedictorian but I don't remember his speech.  Andrea was dating him at the time.  I wonder if she remembers his speech?  The salutatorian mentioned cookies in his speech- but that's all I remember of that one too. hah

After graduation I couldn't find my family.  We were supposed to meet at Cracker Barrel but they had some car trouble and needed to go straight home.  I sat at Carrabas with Andrea and Jeff and their families instead and waited for one of my parents to swing back around and get me.  Sitting there with my friends- not hugging my family and posing for pictures with my diploma- things felt pretty normal.

There was no defining "moment" where I realized I was about to move onto the next phase of my life.  At some point... I just looked back and realized it had.

This picture was taken with some of my closest high school friends over the Christmas break after our graduation.  I remember it being such a bitter-sweet reunion.  My friend Alyssa made us all mix CD's and I listened to it in the minivan as my mom drove me back to college and I bawled my eyes out so sad to leave my friends.

I was only at college for a few months when I met my future husband.  I graduated high school in May 2007 and by November 2008 I was married.  My life was suddenly on fast-track.  The people had once known me so well quickly began to slip and fade out of my life as Brandon and I began our new life together.  It was a hard transition for me.  None of my friends were married.  They didn't quite know how to react.  I didn't quite know how to react either.

Suddenly I wasn't coming "home" every break.  We weren't having sleepovers or talking for hours late at night on the phone.  I was more concerned with figuring out how exactly you cook a casserole and how to be more responsible when washing my loads of white laundry because now they were "our" loads of white laundry and my husband was slightly more affected by a pink-tinged wardrobe than I would be.

Eventually I began to make new friends.  Friends with the people in my classes, friends with other young married couples at church.  The hurtful comments many of my high school friends had made when hearing about my young engagement began to fade and I focused on getting my degree- and in a couple of years starting a family.

Soon... sooner than I think I had expected- it was time to graduate again.  This time I had earned a Bachelors of Science degree in Elementary Education.  I was graduating with honors again- (only cum laude this time... lol) but this time I wasn't jumping at the bit to find the perfect outfit for under my graduation robe.  In fact I had considered not even walking at all.  I had so many other things on my mind.  (The fact that I was 8 months pregnant with my first child was one of them) But my husband Brandon pushed for me to go ahead and walk.

As I think back to that time- I consulted a blog entry I had written about the experience.  Below I've recounted parts of that post with a couple of additions.

I met the evening of Cinco de Mayo by putting on some nice church clothes, and gingerly placing my black cap and gown over top of them.  I had only tried them on for the first time the night before, despite the fact that I'd had them for an entire week.  I think part of me was afraid they wouldn't fit over my protruding belly.  lol I seriously felt in a daze.  When we got to the St. Pete Forum (the USF Sundome where graduations are usually held is under construction.) I was immediately surrounded by a feeling of excitement and joy.

But those feelings weren't my own.  I wasn't feeling excitement or joy.  I was in a daze.  So much had happened in the past four years.After all that hard work, all the confusion, all the cramming before tests, all the classmates I'd worked with, and all the late-night tears as I tried to figure out how in the world I was going to not only register for all the classes I needed, but PASS them as well....it was over.

I couldn't find any pictures from my actual college graduation- but this is the week before at the graduation ceremony for the honors teacher-training program I was in at the university.  My belly seems deceivingly small front-on like this but let me assure you it was pretty big at this point.

It couldn't be over.  I was about to have a baby!  I needed to get a job!  I'd been going crazy trying to make it there... what do you mean I actually did it? My entire life I've been snug inside some sort of "safety net"- whether it was my parents house, high school, a dorm room, or even just a four year college program.  And here they were handing me a pair of golden scissors, telling me it was time to snip a hole in that safety net.  Snip snip.

Slip through and join the "real world".  I wasn't ready... but ready or not- my college experience was officially over.

The ceremony didn't take too long- something I wasn't expecting after remembering the high school graduation that had seemed to drag on and on.  The speakers were brief and they went through names like Speedy Gonzalez on fast forward.  I chatted a little with my classmates, but mostly I just stared blankly around at everyone.  At the stage. At my peers.  At my lap.  The St. Pete Forum is where they play Tampa Bay hockey games, so they had covered the ice with some kind of thick foam flooring just for our graduation.  I took off my shoes and put my swollen pregnant lady feet on the ground and I could feel the cold seeping through.

When it was my turn to go on stage, I know I walked quickly.  I smiled- I shook hands- I posed for pictures.  (The pictures didn't trn out very good... lol I'm big and shiny and blinking.)

And at the end, after we turned our tassels to the other side- I threw my hate.  Just like in the movies.  Only like three people did-and I have to admit I almost knocked one of the deans in the head but I caught it just as she was walking by.  Smooth.  I think she understood because she just smiled and said "nice catch".  I quickly put it back on my head and pinned it back in place.  (one size fits all? really?) I felt like I needed to throw my cap.  As long as things were so surreal- why not add another little touch of "cliche" in there?

I had more than one person tell me that if they were as pregnant as I was they wouldn't have walked.  I don't know why.  Like I said before- I had considered not walking but it had nothing to do with being pregnant.  I just wasn't sure it was that big of a deal- but I knew I'd regret it if I didn't.  Just like I knew I'd regret it if I didn't throw my hat.  It was important to me that I go through the motions, to make it a little more real.  I went through my last semester and a half of college and two internships pregnant- I sure as heck wasn't going to let it stop me from walking across a stage.

I'm glad Brandon convinced me to walk.  I'm glad Graham (my oldest son) was "there" with me.  It was nice to have a little (well...big) reminder that I wasn't alone.  I couldn't see Brandon and his mom from where I was sitting, and my family and extended family were watching the graduation stream life online from their homes.  But it's nice to know that no matter where I go in this life... no matter what happens now that I've outgrown my "safety net"- I'm not alone.