Every Party Has a Pooper

I want to preface this post by saying that I actually really do enjoy being a mother. I also, believe it or not, am a pretty happy person...usually. No, really. I don't scare children walking down side walks. I don't drown any kittens (admittedly, I will make life miserable and eventually non existent for any cockroach that dares to enter my domain or a twenty-foot radius thereof). I smile. I sing. I appreciate a good rainbow. Please keep that in mind while you read this post, which happens to be on one of my least favorite aspects of parenting...potty training.

I detest potty training. I believe that, if Dante had ever potty trained a toddler, there would be ten levels of hell in "Divine Comedy".  Yes, I think it's that bad.

Potty training is one of those things in parenting that has a million books about it, a million different theories and methods, a million "fool-proof" ways to make it happen overnight, while you sleep. Do you know what I would say, if I wrote a book about potty training? It would be really simple. "Stop wasting your time reading this book and just go ahead and accept the fact that there is nothing that I, or anyone else, can say to save help you. Nothing works, except what works. The end."

This would save everyone a lot of time and valuable Barnes & Noble money. Seriously. Everyone within the sound of my voice, step away from the potty training books and go buy yourself a nice vampire romance novel.

Now please don't think that I am saying that potty training is going to be awful and torturous no matter what you do. I mean, it's a very good possibility, but not an absolute. There are some people who have really good experiences with potty training. Some kids really do care about aiming for a cheerio in the toilet. Some kids really do drink twenty-six sippy cups of water in an hour and pee three times and it just sinks in. Some kids really do just wake up and say, "I am now mature enough to handle my bladder and bowel emptying methods. Please give me a M&M and let's call it a day." Some kids really are so impressed with the Mickey Mouse in green suspenders on their new underwear that they instantly will sacrifice life, limb and the convenience of peeing wherever they are at the time, just to don them. Some kids really are easy to potty train. I even had one.

Then there are the other kids, and I believe most kids, who don't give an ats rass about potty training. They are not impressed with the cheerios. They are terrified of sitting on the potty and Mickey Mouse is cute and all, but he is lousy at keeping pee off of legs.

Honestly, who can blame them? Changing your potty habits is a hard thing to do. After number four was born, my epidural wouldn't wear off. I couldn't walk and thus, couldn't get up to empty my bladder. This is a problem after delivery because your uterus needs to contract and clamp down to control your bleeding. If you bladder is super full and pushing against it, this process is inhibited. Peeing? It's a big deal. So in an attempt to avoid another catheter, the nurse brought me a bed pan. I sat on the edge of the bed on the bed pan for about thirty minutes. We stuck my fingers in water, put ice on my feet, talked about waterfalls...everything. But 20+ years of telling your body not to pee anywhere but a toilet is a hard thing to undo. So I feel pretty sure that the reverse is true as well. For their whole lives, they've been able to do their business wherever and whenever they want, without thought. Now you are asking a two to three-year-old to stop what they're doing, think about things and decide that it is better to go sit on a hard, cold seat to pee, rather than do it right where they are, as they always have. I mean, if you are sitting comfortably on the couch, and your husband offers to grab you a drink, do you really say, "No, no. I would like to get up and miss 'The Bachelor' so I can go get my own drink."? Humans gravitate toward convenience. Diapers are convenient.

When people ask me about potty training, I give them the only advice that I find useful (you may find it useless). Here it is:

First, don't try too early. Seriously, I know potty training feels like a right of passage and we are all eager to get out of diapers but trust me when I say that changing a diaper is about seven thousand times more pleasant than cleaning out dirty underwear. Before you start, seriously consider whether or not your child is really ready, or if you just want them to be ready. Just because your eighteen-month-old pointed to the toilet and grunted, does not mean he/she is ready to potty train. Don't rush it. It's not a race. If your child is potty trained before Kindergarten, you're doing fine.

Second, do what works for you. If pull ups are your game, and it's working, stick with it. If the kid likes to pee in a small child potty in the living room, and it's working, more power to you. Most importantly, if nothing is working for you, and it's just really, really hard...that is normal. It's okay mama. You aren't doing anything wrong. Sometimes it's just hard. Some kids take months to potty train. Some take years to be really consistent. It is OKAY.

Third, keep chocolate on hand. Not for your kids, that's the dumbest thing I've ever read, that whole M&M theory. I think a kid wrote that book. (Please note, if this method works or has worked for you...cool. Stick with it.) In my experience, it results in a lot of chocolate being eaten and very little pottying. So the chocolate is not for the kids, it's for you. When you feel like banging your head against the wall, eat some chocolate. This method might not help potty training, but I promise it has saved lives.

Lastly, be patient. Potty training can be a long process and it all depends on the child. One of my kids potty trained in two days and had two total accidents. One of my kids potty trained in a week. One of my kids took six weeks and one took six months. It really is a new experience each time. Don't let yourself get hung up on how it's "supposed" to go. If your first was really hard to train, don't think that means that your second experience will be equally taxing. If your sister's child trained overnight, don't think that means that there is something wrong with you or your child if they take longer. Be patient with yourself. Be patient with your child. Eat your chocolate. Breathe. Repeat.


"May the odds be ever in your favor."