I know I am suppose to post on Wednesdays, but due to some technical difficulties Jess and I are switching our days this week!
Believe it or not, I was the one that came up with the theme this week.
Gulp.
And I still don’t know exactly what to write. The topic
(Me Behind the Mom) is something I have been pondering for years.
See, the thing is, I got married young. I had kids young.
Many have implied, or flat out said, that by doing so I never “found” myself.
In some ways, they are right. But as Jenny wrote earlier this week, by having kids I became me. I too believe I was meant to be a Mama. And even though I constantly have circles under my eyes and split ends from a newborn who uses my hair as his own personal Lovey, at the end of the day I wouldn’t change my role of being a stay-at-home mom...
In some ways, they are right. But as Jenny wrote earlier this week, by having kids I became me. I too believe I was meant to be a Mama. And even though I constantly have circles under my eyes and split ends from a newborn who uses my hair as his own personal Lovey, at the end of the day I wouldn’t change my role of being a stay-at-home mom...
my first born, who made me a "teen mom" because he came a month early thanks for that merit badge. |
But let’s be real. Motherhood can be boring, tedious, redundant, and hard.
About a year ago I moved to Texas. It was a big move for
our little family, and I dreaded those first few months with the standard, “so
what do you like to do?” type questions. Umm, what do I like to do, or what do I do?
Because I spend a whole lot of time cleaning dishes, wiping butts, and breaking
up fights, and the things I like to
do are often forgotten about.
I take the question of “what do you like to do” kind of
personally. I shouldn’t, but I see it as “what are you good at?” Well, dang, I am good at changing diapers (cloth
diapers to boot!) and I can clean a toilet like no one’s biznass. But who
wants to know that?
I used to be
good at playing the flute and piano (got burnt out and quit), journalism
(former major), and…well, geez, see mom brain strikes again and I can’t even
think of some of my former hobbies/habits/talents.
And this is where it gets tricky. My inner me (which is
not a very nice little person) starts saying things like, “well, who the H-E-doublehockeysticks
are you? You aren’t talented, attractive, or interesting!”
Insert downward spiral.
Let's regroup...
Who am I really?
I am a Mom. But
am I only a mom? Some days, yes, I am
only a mom. In case you didn’t know, it’s pretty dang time consuming. I am my
kids’ world. I’m not a perfect Mama, but we do the best we can (with a little
help each day from Pixar) and I know I’m not screwing them up too, too badly.
But how do I get there? I’m a little busy holding the 12
week old, wrestling the disobedient 2 year old, and trying to teach the 4 year
old his ABCs. Not to mention my health is a mess. You know, not so little things.
don't let the momentary look of "angel" fool you. |
However, I can’t neglect me any longer. But I don’t have money (or
time) for weekly pedicures, shoe shopping, and trips to Barnes and Noble (ahh
the smell of books and coffee!).
With (what started out as gentle and turned to firm) nudging
from Brandon, my husband, I have really tried to figure out what I like to do
while still being realistic.
Recently (like five days ago recently) I figured something out:
I like to cook. I like to study nutrition. I like creating new flavors
and seeing my kids try my concoctions. I love to entertain. The inner voice still
gives me crap when my recipes flop, and many a nights I sit at the dinner table
in tears with apologies falling from my mouth. But when I do succeed in the
kitchen I am happy and my self-esteem soars (at least briefly. Still working on conquering that whole negative inner voice thing).
As you all know, since having our newest edition I was diagnosed
again with thyroid cancer. Life is what you would call hectic. Meals (if we even eat at home!) go like this: open freezer, stand on tip toes (I’m only
five feet tall), remove a box, read back of box, turn on oven, put food in
oven, set timer, listen for timer, remove food, eat with baby attached to the boob if no one is bleeding
or screaming.
That line up has fit our needs for three months. Some
days I kicked myself for not trying harder to be nutritious, but something had
to give for a few weeks. Slowly, I am now regaining my strength and, by george,
if I have to put Aaron in my Ergo and give him a bottle to get dinner fixed I’m going to do it. Why? Because I really like to cook. Other
things can now “give” (like cloth diapers) and I can take the little time I
have to make a meal plan, go grocery shopping (kid free, please? Pretty
please?), and cook...oh and, Brandon, before you get too excited about my new revelation,
I’m not doing the dishes. I gotta draw the line in the sand somewhere.
Cooking. It’s my revelation. It’s my focus outside of mommy-hood (which, ironically coincides with taking came of my family!).
Sarah, this post was lovely. I wish we lived closer together so that you could practice your cooking talent on me.
ReplyDeleteYou have a real gift with words and I love the way that you choose to focus on the positives in life. That is a goal of mine. :)
Thanks for another fantastic post!
Thanks, Jenny! I must say that YOUR writing style always has be laughing. Makes my Mondays brighter!
DeleteI'd eat your food in a heartbeat. And if you're cooking, I'm watching the kids so you can shop. You will come home right? Don't want you to get too addicted to the freedom of grocery shopping!
ReplyDeletewahhh! Karen this makes me miss you so very, very much. Can't I be a millionaire and fly in every other weekend?!
DeleteFYI...you are still a daughter, a sister, and a trusted friend. You go to church, thereby setting a good example for your boys, and bake yummy cookies to boot. You've got a big heart in your five foot frame, and loads of people who love you dearly. I'm excited about your desire to further your passion with food! May I suggest you watch the movie Julie and Julia. I think you'll find it both heartwarming, and inspiring.
ReplyDeleteSarah you constantly amaze me with your positive attitude and outlook on life. I truly feel that when life throws you lemons you NEVER FAIL to make lemonade. Good luck with your cooking endeavors! Your boys are so lucky to have you for their momma!
ReplyDeleteSarah, thanks for your great post. I am so amazed at everything you accomplish while having to undergo surgery and health issues. You are wonderful and I wish we could meet! I'm learning so much from everyone on this blog!
ReplyDelete